Tune OUT Tuesday

Yeah, I almost hesitate to even write this, because it's going to come across as one of the most mean-spirited posts I've ever written, but I'm a blogger and we're all shitty mean assholes. But okay, so out today on DVD and BluRay, Burlesque. Show of hands... does anyone like Christina Aguilera? Yeah, didn't think so. I mean, don't get me wrong! I'm not talking about her talent at all. She has a phenomenal voice! She has an amazing range, but it's not as pristine and overdone as Mariah Carey's. Christina has a nice rasp in her voice and I totally LOVE a lot of her songs. So I'm not talking about that exactly, but does anyone like HER. As a person? See.

I mean, from the very beginning, back when she was a Genie In A Bottle wanting us to rub her the right way, word got out reeeeeeaaaaal quick about what a bitch she was. And don't give me any of that "why is it a woman can't be assertive and express her opinions without being called a bitch?" If I call a woman a bitch, it's the same thing as calling a man an asshole and sometimes a woman is just a bitch, so don't try and use feminism to make yourself the victim here! Being assertive and expressing your opinion doesn't make you a bitch. See Lady Gaga. Or Katy Perry. Or Beyonce. Being sour, humorless, rude and disrespectful does. Maybe if I just starting using asshole as a unisex term that would avoid the whole argument.

She was so desperate to not be part of the whole teen pop boom of the time. Every article I read about her, she went out of her way to talk about how edgy she was and how different she was from the other acts that were big at the time. Like in one she made a point to talk about how she had blue and red streaks in her hair in the "Come On Over" video. Yeah, that's pretty badass. Wait... no it's not.

Then she did that thing that I just HATE where she completely dissed her first album as being too poppy and not representative of her as an artist and just plain bad. Oh really? So what are you saying about the MILLIONS of fans who liked it and bought it and made you rich and famous off of it? That they're a bunch of knuckle-dragging morons?

Dirrty.

(This is the real douchey part, on my end.) And she's a NATURALLY beautiful woman, but she does everything she can to make herself unappealing! Her hair is a disaster. It makes my scalp burn just looking at that horrific flat, one-note bleach job! Fake blonde can be done right, but it needs to be a color that occurs in nature and have some highlights AND lowlights and depth and tone! Her hair always just looks fried. Like if it could scream, it totally would and it would hit a higher note than her voice ever has. She's always crazy Snooki tan. (That doesn't look good, every girl in Anderson!) She wears too much makeup and it always looks like shit, the hooker red lips, the tarantula mascaraed eyelashes and... whatever she puts on her face that makes it look like she's always moist and sticky.

I WILL say this! She's taken some heat for gaining weight, but considering she was always such a twig, she could use a few extra pounds and it's not like she's Aretha Franklin or anything! If she gets a lot heavier, it could be a problem, but as of right now, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

But then there's her behavior. She was so desperate to be a bad girl, she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and partying like Tommy Lee. Britney Spears once said that she ran into her at a club after not seeing her in years and the first thing she did was try ramming her tongue down Brit's throat. Recently, she crashed Jeremy Renner's birthday party at his house and got so trashed she passed out in his bed! His reaction, "Who does that?!"

This comes after a lot of career setbacks. Her Bionic album was panned across the board and flopped. Subsequently, she scrapped plans to tour. Then Burlesque was also savaged by critics and bombed at the box office (to be fair, audience reaction was considerably higher). Then she flubbed the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl and was raked over the coals for it.

So... yeah, I mean the talent is there. She has made a number of excellent singles. But she's just soooooo unlikeable in so many other ways! It makes it hard to root for you, if you're a totally out-of-control bitch asshole.

REEEEEEEEEEEE-MIX! Guess who got arrested last night! Xtina and her bf! Bf for DUI WITH Xtina in the car, her for public intoxication. Apparently, she was completely out of it and unable to take care of herself. SAD!!! Get yo'self together, girl! Too much talent to piss away like that!

Throwback Thursday 06-24-10 Ferosh Gay Pride Props Edition!

June is National Gay Pride Month... so of course Cincinnati's Gay Pride Weekend isn't until July. At least we have one. I'm pretty sure Mobile's Gay Pride festival is on Neverary Eleventy-Seventh. Anyway, in honor of Gay Pride, first of all, I'm gaying it up to some Kylie as I write this. Second, it's time to pay homage to some of the gay icons of my youth.
My earliest gay icons were these two pessimistic yellow bitches (is there some subtext there?), each paired with chipper, friendly partners... so that's why I'm always the "mean" one in the relationship.
C3PO minced and Mother Henned his "masters" proving firmly that gays are never the stars of anything, but they're the best supportive friends in the UNIVERSE!

Gays tended to be portrayed very poorly in older movies. I mean even C3PO got chopped to pieces and had to be schlepped around by Chewbacca... which frighteningly mirrors my entire 20s. Ahem. BUT, two sassy bitches rose up and threw off that negative image, by feroshing it up unapologetically! First was Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds:
You'll remember his dreadful rap at the talent show:

Revenge of the Nerds Song
"Clap your hands everybody! Everybody clap your hands!" Guess Eminem wasn't the first gay rapper after all. HEY-OOOOOO!!!
Also, who could ever forget his performance at the track and field tournament, where he utilized a special javelin that complimented his "limp-wristed throwing style"?

This picture really is worth a thousand words:However, the Queen Bee of terrible 80s gay movie stereotypes is, the TRUE STAR of the epic Mannequin saga, my hero (or heroine) Hollywoooooood!

FIERCE!Playing opposite two wooden dummies (wah waaaah!), Meshach Taylor CARRIED that movie as delicious, finger-snapping, sashaying Hollywood Montrose. "Hollywoooooood! Hollywoooood! Come and get me, Hollywoood!" "Look out Albert!" Snap! "Because Hollywood is on your case!"

"Bad Girl!" Then skip ahead to approx. 6:20. "Two things I love to do! That's fight and kiss men!" "Mine's bigger than yours is!"

I'm just including this clip for the awesomely terrible Starship song which kicks in at 2:50. Man, remember that Grace Slick was in Jefferson Airplane?!:

And how magnificent that Hollywooooood completely steals the wedding scene!
Meshach Taylor reprised the role of Hollywoooood in Mannequin Too: On The Move, once again, opposite two more dummies.

He then went on to play the ethnic Designing Woman.
Although the producers TRIED convincing us that he had a girlfriend on the show. Uh huh.

PROPS, Meshach Taylor! PROPS!

The Spring Supplement

This is kind of like on Bravo at the end of each series' season, they do a reunion show hosted by that talentless dick-weasel Andy Cohen, a recap/follow-up blog to some older things I've posted, with some new stuff thrown in. 1. No sooner do "insiders" reveal that John Krazinski basically has the role of Captain America locked up, than word surfaces that Channing Tatum is now in the lead. What exactly happened to this guy? One second he's lean and ripped, the next... it's not even that he gained that much weight, it's more that he kinda now looks like one of those microfiber smooshy pillows that were so popular five years ago. Whatever the cause, I think it happened to Luke Wilson too.
Except Channing Tatum just looks like he cut back on working out and maybe over indulged over the holidays. And maybe some cocaine. Possibly. Luke Wilson looks like he just gave up on life. Remember when Owen was the funny one and Luke was the cute one, then Owen tried to commit suicide (decidedly un-funny) and Luke... did this, whatever "this" is (decidedly un-cute). Someone help the Wilson brothers! Please! It's one thing to see certain trashy celebs fall from grace, but these two are too talented to let slide into that cesspool. Maybe someone could call Dr. Drew.
You know what, though? (Back on-topic) Even when Channing Tatum looked like this (above), he still didn't strike me as Captain America-esque. There's always been something I didn't like about him. He's obviously good-looking, but kinda... thuggy. Like he doesn't just know the lyrics to every Eminem song, he feels them. I'm sticking with Chris Pine as my numero uno selection.

2. Dear Jesse James, Way to turn the biggest event in your wife's entire professional life into complete shit!

In case you haven't heard, recent Academy Award-winner (and hottie-maker-outer-er) Sandra Bullock has moved out after learning that her bridge troll of a husband had an ongoing affair with a tattoo model. (That's a job?!)

Oh, btw Jesse, apparently you were unclear in the whole, she's the one that's out of YOUR league, set up.

Obviously this goon CAN'T do better than Sandra Bullock, but come on, at least TRY! That's like that time that Tiger Woods slept with that Waffle House waitress (or was it Denny's? What's Tiger Woods doing eating at either?). Not to condone cheating, but it's one thing to cheat-up with hot models or model-lookalikes, but regardless of how small a celebrity you are, you shouldn't settle for a Last Call Skank! Ooooh. Funny thought: wouldn't it be fun to live in Beverly Hills, just to see the Walks-of-Shame every morning and see who settled for whom the night before. You could even take bets on which house Lindsay leaves this time!

Also, I'd never noticed this, but there DOES seem to be a Best Actress curse. After winning this award, several actresses have had their marriages end: Kate Winslet, Hillary Swank, Helen Hunt, Reese Witherspoon and Halle Berry. Dang, ladies! Gwyneth Paltrow was listed in the article I read, but I'm pretty sure Chris Martin was her only spouse. Maybe her prior relationship ended, but I could swear she wasn't married.

3. I found a Disco Wanda on eBay! As you can see from the above image, it's a DIFFERENT Disco Wanda than the one I'd seen previously. The face looks to be the same, but this doll is wearing a turquoise Dress Barn close-out with ugly green belt, decidedly LESS spectacular than the delightful pants outfit on the previously discovered doll. And who wears a turban?!

Anyway, if you click on the eBay link, you'll see that this lovely doll is going for the low, low bargain basement price of just $229.95! Wow, that's a whole five cents less than $230! What a steal! And steal is what I'd have to do, if I wanted any chance of owning this little treasure. But one day, my dear, one day...

4. I found the above image of Black Canary which I used in my BC tribute blog, on another comic-themed blog. He had loads of neat pictures of the DC super heroes similar to this one... then I realized that most of the others were the images on various tee shirts, like the ones I found on MyTeeSpot.com, the place that had ALL those amazingly obscure super hero tees I blogged about. But... I didn't see a Black Canary tee on there, because TRUST ME, you'd have heard about that! Not only was there this image of Black Canary, but this image of Zatanna:
(Zatanna, pronounced Zuh-tan-uh, i.e. does not rhyme with Carlos Santana... there is no N before the T in her name, is the resident sorceress of the Justice League. She currently looks like this:
which is why everyone I know refers to her as "Who's that girl in the top hat?" I prefer the 80s version in the first illo with bell sleeves and white cape, but that's just me. I should also point out that Zatanna works as a stage magician... but is in fact REALLY magical, so isn't that cheating? Also, in a world where super heroes and villains actually exist and everyone knows this, why would anyone be interested in a stage magician in the first place?)

So wait a second... if every other image on this other blog were illustrations from tee shirts, shouldn't that mean that these were too? I double checked MyTeeSpot, as well as StylinOnline.com and 80sTees.com (both of which as also super amazing btw) and didn't find anything. Then I tried Amazon... and BINGO! I found both through one of their independent dealers. I ordered them, however, I am a tad concerned because according to the vendor, they were Men's sized shirts. Logically, I'd have assumed these were Juniors. So now I just need to wait for them to arrive. I'm really hoping I don't have to exchange them. But I mean, there's no way I can squeeze into a Juniors' size Small but I didn't want to order an XL and have a Men's XL arrive, because that would have looked like a sack dress on me. We'll see...

5. Thank god THAT madness is over with! Saltare FINALLY got kicked off America's Best DANCE Crew last night. To be honest, I fast forward through each show and just watch the dances (and often re-watch them just so I catch everything), but I did manage to hear a snippet of one of the lame assholes in this Crew saying something like, "We know no one likes us and thinks we shouldn't be on this show..." FUCK YEAH! How is that even in question? Is it too much to think that a group appearing on a DANCE show actually fucking DANCE?! Why is that an unreasonable demand?! They shouldn't have even made it onto the show, much less lasted to this point! And screw JC Chasez and his excuses, "What you do is set to music, it's timed, there's rhythm. That's dancing." Um, except wrong! PLUS, and this is what really galls me... they have one gimmick, jumping rope, and they don't even do THAT well! I've seen ten year-old girls doing double dutch and it kicks Saltre's asses! So they don't even do their ONE gimmick well! They have no grace whatsoever. They flail and thump around, while swinging their stupid ropes. The other Crews' routines are seamless and flow from one move to the next, but at least twice, if not more, in every Saltare routine, there's that second or two where they have to pause to get their ropes in sync or whatever.

H-A-T-E THEM!!!

6. I forgot what instigated this, but I was thinking, "Wow, I'm really lucky that geek chic is en vogue. I'm gonna be royally screwed when it goes out of style." Then I realized that maybe it already has! See... I kinda thought people liked the Jersey Shore and other shows like Tool Academy and... every other VH1 reality show, because they were making fun of the idiots on it. But then, I saw an article in a magazine that had a poll for which of the Jersey Shore neanderdouches women thought was the hottest! Um, the only acceptable answer is NONE!!! (Which doesn't appear to have been an option.) HOT?! Those inarticulate, brain-dead, metrogay slabs of beef?! If you're not a stripper or porn star, you shouldn't be attracted to ANY of them! And that pretty much goes for the ladi... er, females on the show. Dear god, is that where we're headed? Are there people that actually RESPECT these kinds of people? Are there actually people that ASPIRE to be like that? Horrific!

And finally, a funny toy review video! Enjoy!

Disco Wanda: Because I Need More Stuff To Collect

After discovering the existence of Shindana Toys last week, I've been doing some research. (If only cancer were an obscure toy line, I'd have cured that by now.) I was surprised to discover that I had, in fact, owned a Shindana product as a child, the Michael Jackson doll:
I even owned the outfit he's wearing in the photo on the box, the yellow sweater vest/bow tie combo, called "Human Nature" (the same photo appeared on the 45 of that single).
I was stunned to find out that, along the lines of the Flip Wilson doll I mentioned, Shindana also produced a talking doll based on foul-mouthed comedian Redd Foxx! How the BEEP do you BEEP make a BEEP doll out of BEEP Redd BEEP Foxx?! That doll alone is probably responsible for the birth rap music. Sadly, there is very little information about Shindana to be had on teh internets. There's a Wikipedia page, but it just has a listing of some high-lights and a few products they made. There are a few items on eBay, mostly their celebrity dolls, and most of those... ESPECIALLY OJ Simpson are quite $$$. Still no sign of Slade the Super Agent, but rest assured, he WILL be mine.Mattel first introduced a black "friend" for Barbie in 1967, "Black Francie" which was the Caucasian Francie doll (Barbie's MOD British cousin) cast in brown plastic. The following year, Mattel introduced Christy, and gave her true African American features, and she remained a constant part of the line for years.

Shindana countered with Wanda, an African American gal who was her own headliner. (Sadly, I don't believe Shindana issued any friends or a boyfriend for her.) Here is Wanda as a TWA flight attendant.
And as a nurse:I'm sure "A Special Person" sounded nicer at the time. Seeing as the doll was 9", it wasn't compatible with the Barbie line, which is probably why I've never heard of it before. It's probably not highly sought-after. And honestly, these two versions of Wanda are rather drab. However, I did discover a MUST-HAVE... Disco Wanda:
Well, first thing, that illustration on the box bears a strong resemblance to this Donna Summer album cover:Also, the difference between Disco Wanda and the Career Girl Wandas is HUGE! She has longer, more glamorous hair. Her outfit is vastly more colorful and eye-catching. (Minus that unfortunate crotch in those pants! That is NOT the area where you want to go wrong on an outfit!) How fierce is that top and matching head wrap? Also, possibly a sign of the times, she is rocking that plunging V-neck with NO BRA underneath! Gloria Steinham would have been proud.
The best part, however, is that facial mold!
The first two Wanda dolls have such neutral expressions, but look how DELIGHTED Disco Wanda seems! (She must know she will one day belong to ME!) Magnificent! I am especially impressed with the open mouth smile, with teeth apart. I don't believe I have EVER seen a doll with that expression! She is having the BEST time a doll ever has!

So the hunt continues... hmmm, I wonder if I could only choose one, Disco Wanda or Slade the Super Agent, which I would pick? Hmmmm...

Random McRandomness

It's a tad too little too late, but I CANNOT believe what little bitches people were being about the Olympics! First that snowboarder got in trouble for his "racy" photos.Then the Canadian Women's Hockey team got in trouble for partying too hard.(Women's Hockey? That's a real thing?!) Big deal! They're OLYMPIC MEDALISTS! They bust their asses, maintaining these GRUELING training schedules, year-round for this dog and pony show for everyone's entertainment and for their countries' glory! And they're kids! Remember YOUR twenties?! Jesus, I'm STILL hungover from mine! And you call those pics racy? You see worse on EVERY VH1 reality show! (Plus, if I had abs like that, I'd show you RACY! He shouldn't even be allowed to WEAR a shirt!) People are so hypocritical and puritanical! How SHOULD they celebrate? With a prayer meeting? Geez, line up the coke and whores on ME if that's what they want! They deserve it!

And in terrible music news, another Pussy has left the Cat House.(Classy.) Um, so like are there any left? How many were there to start with? And, where do you even go from there? It would be like if Chris, Joey and Lance from *NSYNC had tried to go it alone without JC and Justin. It's would be like *NSY*. (Does anyone get that?)

Gossip Girl Leighton Meester has decided to put her music "career" on hold.
Yeah, I can see how that 1 1/2 singles could REALLY take it out of you. You deserve a break, Leighton! All that shimmying and pointing... it's right up their with Madonna and her 12,000 stops on this last tour.

You'd think she only did it to fool around with Robin Thicke in the video... which if that's the case, someone get me a producer RIGHT! NOW!!!

And the worst singer ever, Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta is now a LESBIAN! Gurrrrl, you better clip those press on nails, if you know what I mean! Publicity whore. Because that worked so well for Lindsay Lohan.



(Sorry it cuts off.) Keeyum is pioneering a new form of entertainment. (Ahem, "entertainment.") She's not lipsynching, she's really singing, but at the same time the recording is playing, so she's really singing along with it. Okay... that's what I do in my CAR! Can I have a hit song? Pass on the lesbian thing though, thanks, I'm good.

This last bit is just for Cathy, because we watched Fame the other night, which starred one of the kids from V Factory and I was saying how I saw a clip of them lipsynching and dancing on Wendy Williams and was like, "Aw, how cute that they think holding microphones is fooling anyone. Boys, we know you're not really singing. You don't have to pretend."



I love Wendy's intro, "Our next guests are very five cute guys..." Such a master of her craft. Also, if you're going to lipsynch, microphones are bad news. Remember this:


You don't want everyone to know your pussies are hanging out, do you, V Factory? Also, she doesn't seem at all concerned that her ASS is hanging out the whole time... by design! Besides, who cares if your pussy's hanging out? We all saw it that time you got outta that car, anyway! (P.S.-Remember when Britney was a GOOD dancer? Now she's treading in Leighton Meester territory!) Good thing she didn't have an Olympic Medal. They'd make her give it back! Zing!

Toysplotation

Plaid Stallions, one of my absolute favorite blogs, ran this yesterday: http://www.plaidstallions.com/shindana/1976.html. It's about a toy company I previously knew nothing about called Shindana, that specialized in toys for the African American market. According to this story, they were the first company to make African American dolls that accurately reflected ethnic facial features, rather than simply recasting existing Caucasian dolls in brown plastic. Unknowingly, I did purchase one of their products in the past, a "doll" (it was more like a pillow, honestly) based on 70s comedian Flip Wilson, which depicted Flip on one side and his alter ego Geraldine on the other.Jesus, what is it about black comedians and drag?! Also, that looks TOTALLY like Loni Love! P.S. I heard on like Access Hollywood or something along those lines, that Tyler Perry will be presenting at the Academy Awards and my immediate reaction was, "Wonder what his gown will look like." Also, Tyler Perry really ought to be the host of RuPaul's Drag Race. Medea is WAY more successful than RuPaul who had one hit on the Club charts back in 1993!
Okay, so I don't really know who Flip Wilson OR Geraldine is. It was a present for Richard. Apparently, he had one as a kid and talked about it all the time. It originally talked, but I think most talking dolls from the 60s and 70s no longer function. Something about the plastic they used degraded over time. (Seriously, you get more useless information from this blog than one of those "random fact" books people keep in their bathrooms!)
They did, however make a doll based on J.J. Evans from Good Times and I remember the shit out of that show! ("Damn! DAMN! DAMN!")

STRONGEST! BLACK WOMAN!! EVER!!! (Screw J.J.! I want a Florida Evans doll!)

So anyway, I thought I'd share some of my reactions to the Shindana toy catalog from 1976. It's a damn shame this baby will grow up with Mo'Nique as her abusive mother and have two babies by her own father. (Topical!)I want the one in the belly tee! All baby girls should wear belly tees! Way awesomer than Raggedy Ann!Who wants to come over for Game Night? We're playing the great new board game, Feel The Soul! I can't imagine how that translates to a board game. Is the winner determined by whoever can make the white person next to them the most nervous? Do you win if they get up and cross to the other side of the game table? And, I shouldn't have to ask but I assume dancing is involved, right?So THAT'S how my Barbie got dismembered.

Ladies and gentlemen... the most BAD ASS TOY EVER!!!Holy shit! I need that RIGHT NOW!!! Apparently, they didn't want to pony up the cash for the rights to make an actual Shaft doll, so instead the COMPLETELY RIPPED IT OFF!!! Who's the black, hunk of plastic who's a sex machine to all the chicks? SLADE! Damn right. (In the parallel universe of AWESOME, that was the actual toy jingle.) HOWEVER, way to totally ruin the Bad Ass-itude with that ridiculous Baked Potato foil outfit! What the hell is that even supposed to be? Are those shoulder-length opera gloves?! UGH! Foul, Shindana! FOUL!!! Even so... I think I'm in love!

Somehow Captain America Got Even Hotter

There are certain super heroes that gays seem to instinctively lust after. Aquaman, although I will go on the record as stating that this is NOT the reason he's my favorite male hero. I think I just like his orange shirt.

There's also Green Lantern (Hal Jordan):And Nightwing (formerly the first Robin, Dick Grayson):
And joining the ranks most recently, as rendered by Nicola Scott, former Z-List super villain-turned-antihero Catman:

He's the bulge on the right.

I, on the other hand, prefer more wholesome, slightly square but still beefy do-gooders, so my dream hero is none other than Captain America.
Who, it just so happens, is slated to get his own movie in a couple of years. Now sadly, this movie is being made NOW, so the one man perfect for the role, the most beautiful man ever is... well, deceased. R.I.P. Paul Newman.Plus, he makes the yummiest pasta sauce you can buy, Sockerooni. Look for it at your local grocery store.

Alas, opportunity missed. The latest casting rumor is that Chris "Captain Kirk" Pine is in negotiations to play the Star-Spangled Avenger.

Judging by that underwear scene, he'd "fill" the role of Cap perfectly! Note:

Yup, looks about right.

It's funny, because Chris Pine is a little bit all-American, but slightly quirky. He's not an Adonis like Kellan Lutz, but he's sexier. He has a certain swagger and raffish charm. I am giving this casting rumor my stamp of approval, now hurry up and make it happen, Hollywood, so I can see Chris Pine in tights!

Interestingly, Chris Hemsworth has been cast as Thor.Chris Hemsworth played George Kirk, James T. Kirk's father in the opening scene of Star Trek. So that would be a funny coincidence, when they get around to combining all of Marvel's heroes in the planned Avengers movie, you'd have both father and son playing opposite each other. Chris Pine + Chris Hemsworth = a whole lotta yummy man candy.

Zexi!

Most people aren't aware of this, but this will be the THIRD live-action Captain America. Reb Brown starred in two made-for-TV movies as Cap in the 70s. That costume is... certainly... something.
Most people are also unaware that there was a live-action Captain America movie made, shortly after the 1989 Michael Keaton/Tim Burton Batman movie. It was so terrible that they didn't even release it in theaters. It went straight to VHS.
This version of Cap was played by Matt Salinger, son of J.D.! Seriously! The movie was a turd, but the suit doesn't look bad at all, and Matt's got the requisite blond/blue eyed all-American look.

So, well see what happens with Chris Pine, but I'm rooting for him! Let's make this happen, Marvel!