Sears Wish Book 1975

I have this record album downstairs, but don't have a turntable to play it just now. I sold one of my two at the yard sale this summer and the other expensive ass one that hooks up to the computer so you can convert albums to digital is either with Cathy or Beth, because the process of converting vinyl to digital turned out to be a giant pain in the ass, so I never even bothered converting one single file. Once again, money well spent. Beth's brother apparently wanted to buy this device but I said no, just because at some point, I'll want to listen to the vinyl I have and need SOMETHING to play them on.

But anyway, when I was a kid, the Super Heroes were constantly celebrating the holidays. They did albums like this one, and appeared on gift wrap and all kinds of merchandised items. Cathy has some co-worker who doesn't understand Hallmark (or other) ornaments that are based on Super Heroes (or Star Wars, Star Trek, Wizard of Oz, Barbie etc). "What does that have to do with Christmas?!" Um, only EVERYTHING?! Because that's what I GOT for Christmas, Super Hero toys and Star wars and all that stuff. So THERE! Plus, this hypocrite apparently collects those carousel animal ornaments... what does THAT have to do with Christmas, sir?! That is completely devoid of any holiday content, unless you celebrated every Christmas by riding a freakin' carousel, and I highly doubt that. So there, argument-with-person-I-don't-even-know won!

When I was a kid, there were basically three big stores where you bought everything, Sears, Montgomery Wards and JC Penney. None of them even remotely resembles the still-existent versions today. Back then, a Sears (etc.) was like Walmart, Target and Best Buy all rolled into one. Seriously, people bought everything from riding lawn mowers to clothes to family portraits there. And it wasn't Christmas until you received each store's "Wish Book" a 1/4 of a phone book-sized, glossy presentation of EVERYTHING you could possibly ever want for Christmas in one place. I recently discovered a website devoted to these marvelous books, www.wishbookweb.com. This site has posted many of these books in their 600-odd page entirety, some going back as far as 1933! Astounding! I've decided to... um, borrow, some of their pages and have a little stroll down memory lane... and drag you along with me! Cheers! You may have need to click on some of the pictures to view them in enough detail to see some of the items I will be discussing.
I'm starting with the Sears 1975 volume. I would only have been a year old at the time, so obviously I never actually viewed this book, but back then a lot of toys were perennials, offered year after year after year, unlike today when things tend to come out once and never again, or if they are re-released, they are changed. So a lot of the items shown in this book later went on to appear in books that I actually did flip through. Another delight of viewing a book this old is that I get to see a lot of neat things that I JUST missed out on, that weren't available in my time. Sometimes, it's enough for me to wish I was slightly older to have experienced these things.
There appears to have been a big ventriloquists dummy craze in the 1970s. These were definitely repeated in catalogs for many many years. Some of these were based on actual famous dummies... yes, there were such things! In the middle is Lester of Willie Tyler & Lester, whom I remember seeing on TV a lot in the late '70s. Next to him is Charlie McCarthy of Edgar Bergen & Charlie McCarthy, whom I saw in a bunch of black and white movies growing up. (PS-Edgar Bergen is the father of Murphy Brown star Candice Bergen. Viva obscurity!)

Of course, you should recognize Bozo of The... Show, featuring everyone's favorite the Grand Prize Game. I was late to elementary school on many an occassion, because I HAD to see how far the contestants got in the GPG. I also remember Show Biz Pizza having an arcade version of the GPG you could play, but you didn't win the Prang Markers or the Archway Cookies, so there was really no point in playing it. Even so, I won. It was fairly simply, you just had to aim and toss slowly. I never understood why the idiots on the show never figured that out. They'd always chuck it full force and miss or the ball would bounce out... morons, I say.

Also, at the very bottom of the page is one of the creepiest toys I have ever seen, called Hugo... creepy name for a creepy toy.
Did these weird circular kitchen consoles actually exist? I've never seen one, but it looks kinda neat.
That grocery store playset is mighty ornate! All of those pieces of produce look removable, which is a fancy way of saying "they'd be lost within a week of a child getting this." But as an adult I can appreciate the detail.

Also, my brother had that Mod Hair Ken... they probably changed the name by then... in fact, I'm pretty sure Mod was out-of-date in 1975! But like I was saying, my brother wasn't born until 1978, so obviously they kept that doll in production for quite some time.
GROWING UP SKIPPER!!! I gave that to Cathy last year or the year before! You turn her arm and she goes through puberty! Her torso expands and she grows boobies! NO REALLY! This toy was protested and therefore is pretty rare these days.
Man, those matching couples outfits are HIDEOUS!
I've never heard of the Sunshine or Happy Families. I kinda dig the groovy Happy Family. They look ready for a night at the discotheque. And to get there, they could take that insanely elaborate tandem bicycle, complete with "trunk" basket and... ROOF! A bicycle with a roof?! Did those really exist? How luxurious! I kinda want one now! Also, I guess tandem bikes were kind of a seventies fad, too. I think the Double Mint Twins rode one, if memory serves.
Old Fashioned Friends... I don't quite get it, but like old timey, prairie, pastoral crap was really big in the '70s. Gingham and Calico galore.
Colonial Girls? Now that's REAL old timey! Who the hell would even want those? "Mommy, my dolly has small pox!"

The real appeal of this page are the Mego Wizard of Oz dolls. I was unaware of these as a child, but I would have loved to have had them. And The Witch's Castle playset is INCREDIBLY rare. I think it was only available through this catalog!
I must say, The Love Notes are actually pretty cute. And Raggedy Ann and Andy were all over the place back then... not sure why, but they were really huge. And look, another appearance by Bozo.
DYNOMITE! Yep, there was a doll based on JJ Evans from the ghetto-based sitcom Good Times! Isn't that... something.

Also, Holly Hobby appears. As a kid, I saw girls with Holly Hobby lunchboxes and such, but I never knew what Holly Hobby actually was. I'd never seen the dolls. I still don't know if she was originally a doll or if she was from a book or something.

The Little Urchins dolls are awesomely '70s cute, but SERIOUSLY?! Dolls based on homeless children?! Whose idea was that?!
The dog in the middle of the lower row looks like Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski.

Also at the bottom, more prairie goodness.
I SO had that Mickey Mouse phone! I had another one too, either Sesame Street or Loony Tunes, don't remember which. What was kind of odd about the Disney one was you could call Mickey and all his friends, like Minnie, Donald and Goofy, but you could also call Snow White. I know she's a Disney character, but you didn't often see the "fairy tale" characters mingling with the mascots like that.
It's not Christmas without A Charlie Brown Christmas or without licensed Peanuts memorabilia. I am impressed with the Schroeder piano, because it's one of those instances where the licensed item actually makes sense. usually, they just slap a character's image or logo on any old thing, but Schroeder played the piano and thus... Also, I notice Peppermint Patty is included in this set, making this one of the earliest kids' playthings to feature a lesbian.
Weebles wobble but the won't fall down! I didn't know they made Winnie The Pooh Weebles, but I had Disney ones, Mickey and Minnie, etc. I think I had that airplane too!
And the train! Not the badass pirate ship though! I didn't even know that existed. I'm tempted to check eBay.
You may have to click to enlarge this, but at the very bottom is THE TINY TOT'S TREE HOUSE! I LOVED that! It had an elevator in the trunk, a dog house/shrub and even a little car! I LOVED this playset, but eventually the mechanism that allowed the top part of the tree to lift up to expose the "living area" broke and... then it was just a tree. Boo.
I've never heard of Escape The Casbah, but how glamorous and exciting does that sound! Like a Sean Connery Bond flick! Also, to the day, it irritates me that a Ouija board is considered a "game." Lame.
Cat In The Bag?! Since when is animal cruelty fun for kids of all ages?! On the next page is a listing for the "make your own cosmetics animal testing kit."
The McDonald's Game... first coronary wins!
Oh my gawd, how AWESOME is that ghost pirate ship?! I want one now!
MEGOS!!! Best toys EV-ER!!! They recently reissued the Star Trek series, complete with the Bridge playset and even filled in the characters like Sulu and Chekov that weren't in the original Mego collection!

But that Batcave is stunning! I never even knew they made playsets and vehicles for Megos as a kid, until my best friend Dave McIntosh showed me his Batmobile. Sooooo awesome! I love them! And the best part, is they are starting to reissue the Super Heroes like they did the Star Trek characters (and Planet of the Apes)... maybe they'll make that sweet Batcave with real light up Bat Signal! One can dream!
Of course, as a kid, I had those little solid plastic army men, cowboys and Indians, etc. but NEVER did I have such elaborate playsets for them! Wouldja look at that desert canyon with cliffs and caves and such?! How amazing! And that Planet of the Apes set with a rope bridge?! Gah! Why didn't some genius just create generic play environments like these for bigger action figures?! Can you imagine?! If only I could go back in time!

The closest I cam was my fiend Dave's backyard that had a clay pit that worked nicely andmy next-door neighbor Skip's, where his father was building on an addition to their house, which for whatever reason required a giant bound of sand, which doubled nicely as Ice Planet Hoth. Sigh!
And on the flip side, who the hell wanted to play Farm with figurines? "Let's load Bessie up to take to the slaughter house, kids."
While I hated toy cars and trucks, look how detailed these are. There's even an injured victim on the gurney! In honesty, I was okay with vehicle toys if they had working doors and such and figures to play with. These are just so detailed and nice. You really don't see that, these days.
Once again, vehicle playsets, but so detailed and elaborate! I mean look at that parking garage at the top... then again, why the hell would you want to play "Parking Garage?" It may be fun if you had a Jason action figure to wander up and down the ramp grumbling, "Where the fuck did I leave my car?!" and then once "he" finds it, he drives too close to a cement column and leaves a giant yellow streaked dent in the side, and maybe knocks off a mirror. Just sayin'.

Oh and look, a gas station playset! I don't understand why so many play things are based on drudgery. Why not a Dry Cleaner Drive-Thru or a "Escape From The PTA Meeting" board game? Yay. Or not.

That's it for this time. I will leave you with the all-time best toy commercial of all time. And I SWEAR, this is 100% REAL!!!

Visions of Sugar Plums

Sigh. First, a few weeks ago, I went to put on my skinny jeans and... let's just say they were too skinny. Grrr. Second, I bought new underwear, from Aussie Bum, a brand I already own numerous pairs by, but when I put them on, "Oh, guess what, bitch? You ain't a size XS anymore!" And they were hella cute too! Here they are NOT modeled by me:

Rudolph:

Frosty:I realized a long time ago that no matter how cute the undies, they're never AS cute when I put them on as they looked on the model advertising them. Even so, how KEWT are these?! Normally, I am not on board with seasonal novelty drawers, but I HAD to make an exception this time, don't you agree?

Anyway, this blog is a tribute to delicious holiday treats. Whereas Halloween can be marred by a wide range of terrible candy, I really can only find two problems with Christmas candy:
Ribbon Candy. It's fine if you like stuff like Rock Candy, which I do not. This is JUST sugar. I like a bit more complexity.
And Cherry Cordials... Chocolate? Yum. Cherries? Yum. Together... yuck! I blame that gooey filling, which I think is just corn syrup or something like that. Chocolate and cherries alone would probably rock, but that extra sugary punch in the mouth spoils the fun.
'Twouldn't be Christmas without Candy Canes. I like peppermint, but I never really cared about these things. I especially disliked the giant foot-long candy canes. I don't understand oversized sweets in general, like the HUGE Hershey Kiss. Who wants that?! As everyone knows, treats are better the smaller they are. Therefore, cupcakes>regular cake. Snickers bite-sized>Snickers Fun-Sized>Full-Sized Snickers.

The one really fun thing to do with a Candy Cane, which also works with stick candies, the kind you can get from Cracker Barrel, is twirl them round and round in your mouth until the point is sharpened to a fine point and then poke someone with it. Tee hee, cheeky!
Preferable to hard Candy Canes and small Starlight Mints, are Soft Peppermints, available in balls and sticks. ... Nah, too easy. I like how the while powdery part dissolves before the red stripey part. I don't know why, but I do.

Mint lends itself so well to sweets... Like Candy Canes, it wouldn't be Christmas without...
Peppermint Bark! We sold out of the Ghirardelli brand in like two days! YUM!
I like anything chocolatey and minty! Including...
Starbucks' Chocolate Peppermint Mocha! I had one by chance yeeeeaaaaarrrs ago at TPCC and was hooked ever since. (Although now, apparently Fatty McFatFat needs to switch to the Low Fat, Sugar Free version.) Also, I tried the Peppermint WHITE Chocolate Mocha and it is equally nummy. I leave off the whipped cream though. It's sweet enough without.
New this year is the Caramel Brulee Latte, topped with caramelized sugar! (Once again, leave off the whipped... or don't depending on your palette.) Sadly, the Starbucks at Target ran out of the Caramel Brulee syrup and won't be getting it back in. Darn you seasonal deliciousness! But the Peppermint Mochas can be ordered year-round.
Speaking of seasonal flavors, years ago, I fell in love with Graeter's Cinnamon Ice Cream (made with cinnamon imported from Saigon! Really?!), available only in December. Fabulous on its own, but throw on some warm apple topping and caramel and get ready to die from pleasure! (So that's what was in the big machine in Barbarella. Anyone? Anyone?)

I did not like so much the Peppermint Candy ice cream, loaded with huge chunks of peppermint candies (i.e. Starlight Mints). Maybe if the chunks were smaller, it would be better, but eventually, I just started spitting the candy out and wound up with a pile big enough to fill a candy dish. NO ONE wants to eat that many mints! Just imagine, taking a candy dish full of Starlight Mints and just consuming them one by one! Completely unappealing, isn't it?

There are lots of yummy types of Christmas cookies, but strangely, as simple as they are, I will always love plain ol' Danish Butter Cookies in the blue metal tin:
I don't know why they even make different kinds. They all taste the same... yummy! Must be the "butter." I will also add, though not holiday related, the best Pepperidge Farm cookie is also the most simplistic, Chessmen. I love Mint Milanos and a bunch of their other types, but Chessmen as so simple yet so delightful! Big up to Chessmen!
My second favorite are Thumbprint Cookies. I made these a couple years ago, but they didn't look this pretty. Regardless, I love these! Grape or Strawberry are probably the best. Cherry would probably be good too. Apricot, eh.

Regular readers should realize I do like complex flavors, so it's no surprise that the idea of sweet mixed with salty is just heavenly to me. Best exemplified by...
Chocolate Covered Pretzels! Available by the rod (once again, too easy)...
or in twists. I think I like the twists better, in keeping with my smaller portions are better mentality. That one at the very top covered with pastel mints is, I promise you, the best tasting thing ever, although I have never had one. I mean just look at it! (I LOVE pastel mints! I think it's the butter, once again!)

As yummy as Chocolate Covered Pretzels are, and how popular they are, everyone balks when I mention...
Chocolate Covered Potato Chips! Trust me, they are great! They're better with just a bit of chocolate. I want the chocolate to chip ratio to be as equal as possible. Too often, I get them and it's basically a piece of chocolate with something crunchy in it. I could've just had a Nestle's Crunch if that's all I wanted. I want it all balanced, crunchy, sweet and salty. Mmmmmm!

Grrr... so much for fitting into my skinny jeans and cute undies.

Why Isn't Every Girl In America More Mentally Unbalanced?

This blog is dedicated to everyone that gave Cathy and I shit for collecting Bratz. SUCK! IT!!

I have one major phobia, frogs, as most know. However, working at Target at Christmas time, I am starting to develop a new one... baby dolls. SWEET JESUS!!! These are the most hideous abominations I have ever known to be gobbled up willingly by an audience. Well... besides the Transformers franchise. I don't comprehend these at all... "Hey babies are cute. Let's remove all the cuteness and replace it with crazed evil!"
The worst offense is Baby Alive! WHAT an ironic name for this glazed-eyed monstrosity! Available in Caucasian, Latina and African American... so hideous I don't even want the black one! It's all in those horrendous glassy eyes that just leer into your soul and rekindle that memory of that time your aunt's sleazy boyfriend inappropriately touched your jujus.

"I will eat your soul. Tee Hee!" (Also, she appears to have already murdered one of Dora's little siblings in the back ground. This madness must be stopped! Check under your bed tonight! This little creep out-crazies Chucky!

Also flying off the shelves are the "Our Generation" dolls, which, like Baby Alive are HUGE! Remember when baby dolls were a. cute and b. could actually be cradled in a child's arms? Nope, these three foot amazons are definitely not compatible with Barbie. They could go on a rampage and demolish Barbie's dream house, corvette and all her pets and horses. Or date a Rolloff. Seriously, these are potentially larger than the child receiving them.

While not as glassy-eyes as Baby Alive, these are more dead-eyed, like... well, like a corpse's I suppose. Lights on, no one home. Contrary to my earlier pofussion of love for Black girl dolls, the black Our Generation doll is the most frightening... She! Will!! Cut!!! A Bitch!!!!
I think the biggest problem with these is... they look like men. Like the most frumpaliscious drag queens ever. Where most drag queens look like Vegas showgirls X 100, these look like Mayberry drag queens who dress like librarians and Sunday School teachers. UN-Fierce! And lipsynch Amy Grant songs. Snap! UGH! Who wears a printed turtle neck over an embroidered cardigan OR a doily collar? They should just each come with 27 cats and be done with it. Hags!
These are astonishingly, HUGELY popular. They are the Liv dolls. Their outfits are cute, but they ALSO have this dead, glassy stare, very Stepford Wife. They're like Village of the Damned dolls, that could make your head explode just by staring hard enough. What's worse is Target is very heavily promoting them, so they have a plexiglass display with all of them inside, GLARING at you every time you walk past. Worse than those paintings in haunted houses, where the secret criminal mastermind looks through the eye cut outs and follows your every movement. Like Zoinks!

"You WILL buy this doll."
I... will... buy... this... doll.

YIKES! Is that supposed to be a baby or a scary alien? Scary alien? Oh, okay then, it's perfect.
Usually, the fatter a baby, the cuter... Uhhhhh... not this time.
Is this baby STONED? Looks like she spit out her pacifier and is looking for Doritos that she will dip in catsup and chocolate sauce and then text her friends about how great they taste.

It's all in the eyes. The eyes can make or break a doll.
YOWZA! Lay off the cocaine, lady!
WHAT the hell is wrong with this thing?! Is it a zombie?! Where the hell are it's pupils and irises?! They didn't give it proper eyes but they made sure to give it NOSTRILS?! "Braaaaaiiiins!"
On the flip side, are the Only Hearts Club dolls...

Where are the WHITES of their eyes?! What is wrong with their faces?! They're all distorted and deformed... AND they're all the same, even the ethnic ones! And even creepier, their "pets" are plush toys, but the dolls look crazy enough that they "think" they're real animals... you know what I mean? Like, they'd be like, "You want to pet my cat?" and you'd be too afraid to do anything else, so you do it to humor them, while thinking "Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me..."

Even WORSE! Nope, dressing like a fairy doesn't make you un-creepy! It makes you worse! It would have been LESS creepy had she dressed as a circus clown. And put that unicorn down, they're endangered!
Okay, finally, we have the Moxie Girls. These are made by the company that made Bratz, but who had to stop making Bratz because Mattel sued them and won. They're WAY toned down, but still, their faces are cute. They look like Selena Gomez... much more so than the real Selena Gomez doll by Mattel.
The only real problem with the Moxies is they are wearing the UGLIEST CLOTHES EVER!!!Did someone actually design these outfits?! They look like something a five year old girl would wear if her parents allowed her to dress herself!
What was I JUST saying about circus clowns?! Is the black girl wearing WRESTLING BOOTS?! And who wears a tutu? I mean, okay, Carrie Bradshaw... but that was like a decade ago! And in the first pic, the blonde girl's entire outfit is clearly Ed Hardy... glad to see Douche-Wear has invaded the world of children's playthings. Someone should buy these for the Gosselin girls! They could hug it every time they miss their scummy dad... IF they miss him, which I wouldn't, but whatever.

Now I need to go take a Silkwood steel-wool shower to clean the skeeziness I'm feeling off. Damn, dirty dolls!

I will leave you with this little nugget... twice now, I have had women come up to me at work asking for a toy vacuum cleaner. After I show them the one we have...
... they reply "Oh, it's for a boy. Do you have one that isn't pink?" To which it takes every fiber of my being to NOT say, "Lady, if your little boy wants a toy vacuum cleaner, trust me, just go with the pink. He'll love it." That and a black girl doll. Just not one in wrestling boots.