Random McRandomness

It's a tad too little too late, but I CANNOT believe what little bitches people were being about the Olympics! First that snowboarder got in trouble for his "racy" photos.Then the Canadian Women's Hockey team got in trouble for partying too hard.(Women's Hockey? That's a real thing?!) Big deal! They're OLYMPIC MEDALISTS! They bust their asses, maintaining these GRUELING training schedules, year-round for this dog and pony show for everyone's entertainment and for their countries' glory! And they're kids! Remember YOUR twenties?! Jesus, I'm STILL hungover from mine! And you call those pics racy? You see worse on EVERY VH1 reality show! (Plus, if I had abs like that, I'd show you RACY! He shouldn't even be allowed to WEAR a shirt!) People are so hypocritical and puritanical! How SHOULD they celebrate? With a prayer meeting? Geez, line up the coke and whores on ME if that's what they want! They deserve it!

And in terrible music news, another Pussy has left the Cat House.(Classy.) Um, so like are there any left? How many were there to start with? And, where do you even go from there? It would be like if Chris, Joey and Lance from *NSYNC had tried to go it alone without JC and Justin. It's would be like *NSY*. (Does anyone get that?)

Gossip Girl Leighton Meester has decided to put her music "career" on hold.
Yeah, I can see how that 1 1/2 singles could REALLY take it out of you. You deserve a break, Leighton! All that shimmying and pointing... it's right up their with Madonna and her 12,000 stops on this last tour.

You'd think she only did it to fool around with Robin Thicke in the video... which if that's the case, someone get me a producer RIGHT! NOW!!!

And the worst singer ever, Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta is now a LESBIAN! Gurrrrl, you better clip those press on nails, if you know what I mean! Publicity whore. Because that worked so well for Lindsay Lohan.



(Sorry it cuts off.) Keeyum is pioneering a new form of entertainment. (Ahem, "entertainment.") She's not lipsynching, she's really singing, but at the same time the recording is playing, so she's really singing along with it. Okay... that's what I do in my CAR! Can I have a hit song? Pass on the lesbian thing though, thanks, I'm good.

This last bit is just for Cathy, because we watched Fame the other night, which starred one of the kids from V Factory and I was saying how I saw a clip of them lipsynching and dancing on Wendy Williams and was like, "Aw, how cute that they think holding microphones is fooling anyone. Boys, we know you're not really singing. You don't have to pretend."



I love Wendy's intro, "Our next guests are very five cute guys..." Such a master of her craft. Also, if you're going to lipsynch, microphones are bad news. Remember this:


You don't want everyone to know your pussies are hanging out, do you, V Factory? Also, she doesn't seem at all concerned that her ASS is hanging out the whole time... by design! Besides, who cares if your pussy's hanging out? We all saw it that time you got outta that car, anyway! (P.S.-Remember when Britney was a GOOD dancer? Now she's treading in Leighton Meester territory!) Good thing she didn't have an Olympic Medal. They'd make her give it back! Zing!

Post Thanksgiving Reflections PLUS How To Dance Like Leighton Meester!

This is a tad late, but... I suppose first of all, I'm not sure how often I should update my blog, seeing as how I am not a celebrity and therefore don't have a lot going on in my life. I mean, does anyone want to know what I'm doing every single day? I don't even want to know that. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and ask someone to wake me up when something interesting happens. Not that I don't LIKE my life, it's just that it's fairly ordinary.

As for work, I was speaking with a stranger the other day and they said something like, "Do you have any education?" Ouch. Then when they found out that I have an English degree, they incredulously asked, "Can't you teach? You should look into that. That's better than working at Target. It would pay a lot more." To which I superiorly chortled, "Oh ha ha, I don't have to support myself. And I hate kids and especially teenagers. So yeah, I'll stick to straightening stuff on shelves for 5 hours a day 4 days a week. Plus, that gives me time to keep up with what the cast of Twilight does in their spare time." (Answer: Sulk.) Okay, I didn't really say all that, but that was the gist. Why does everyone act like working at Target is some punishment? I mean, everyone loves Target! I was there like five days a week anyway, I just figured out a way to get paid for it, rather than put up with dirty brats and snotty punks. Looks like I'm the one with the keys to the kingdom, sir. Ha! And at least I have a job. Not everyone is so fortunate these days. AND it's across the street from my house. I don't even have to commute. So take your teaching suggestion and shove it up your ass.

Since last week was Thanksgiving, I was thinking about things to be grateful for, for a change, since I spend so much of my time bitching about things I hate. I'm pretty grateful for everything. Even rotten stuff, because you can learn from it. Like I said, at least I have a job... and not to keep harping on it, I can NOT believe how much shit I put up with from Palomino all that time. Jesus! That job SUUUUUUUUCKED! Possibly the worst one I've ever had! I can't believe I put up with it for so long! UGH!

Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure this is the real reason anyone reads this blog, me talking smack about celebs. This is kind of a follow up to the Shakira post last week. Perez Hilton posted this video of Leighton Meester performing "Somebody To Love" on MTV. I love this song, but the performance is awesome... -ly bad! Ha ha!
http://perezhilton.com/2009-11-25-leighton-live
Okay, although I like the song, I must take issue with the opening lines, "Paris, France to Michigan. London Town and through Berlin. I can't believe this place I'm in. Everywhere and back again." Ahem. Allow me to illustrate:

"Paris, France...

"to Michigan...

"London Town...

"and through Berlin..."
Did you catch which of these isn't like the others? Let's try it again...

"Paris, France...

"to MICHIGAN...

"London Town...

"and through Berlin..."

MICHIGAN?! Ew! Leighton is just the latest teen idol who has been given a record contract despite having no actual music ability. Thank heavens for Auto Tune, I suppose. Her vocals certainly aren't "Tardy For The Party" bad. They're not even Heidi Montague bad. They're perfectly serviceable. If she were at karaoke, I'd clap. But that does not warrant a record contract.

BUT, lack of singing ability never stopped anyone before. In fact, I tend to find the best technical singers to be the worst entertainers... ahem, Celine. Cough, Mariah. But look at J. Lo. Not the best voice, but decent enough and when she isn't falling on her ass, a decent entertainer. But J. Lo can dance... Leighton, not so much.

She's kinda doing what little girls (and me) do in their bedrooms when listening to music, so now I present to you, How To Dance Like Leighton Meester:

Step 1. Walk back and forth (slowly... that indicates that you are sexy)
Step 2. Shimmy your shoulders
Step 3. Point everytime the word "you" appears in a song
Step 4. Touch your chest everytime "me" or "I" appears
Step 5. When not saying "you," "me" or "I" hold your hand up and pivot your wrist (slowly) as if saying "this and that" without really saying it. (I know, who knew choreography was so complicated?!)
Step 6. Bob your hips up and down
Step 7. Every couple of lines, shift your weight from one leg to the other.

Ta dah! Now you can dance like a real professional singer!

I also love that when she says "Wait!" she does the "Stop In The Name Of Love"/"Talk To The Hand" gesture (slowly). Then, look out, because then the chorus kicks in and... booty sway, booty sway, step right, right, left, left. Whoo! Working up a sweat! Then in the second verse, you can tell she's really feeling it because then she crouches down. Slowly. Then back up. Then more walking. Then second chorus, same as the first. Then bridge, "Turn around..." (which she doesn't) "Strike a pose..." (which she... kinda does... kinda...) Then suddenly, the song speeds up, yet she doesn't. I'm fairly certain, I worked up more of a sweat typing all this than she did in that entire performance. I probably used more muscles, too. What a work out! I need to go replenish my fluids.

I was talking about coffee, thank you! Smart ass!