That was (half of) a performance by new artist Miss Lawrence, best... only known as one of the gay sidekicks on The Real Housewives of HOTlanta. Guuuuurrrrrrl, that was one sad vogue, bb! But the track, now on iTunes is actually pretty hot! We got another "Tardy For The Party" on our hands, ya'll! Here is the full-length song:
This is that best dressed! That female figure! That butch queen up in pumps! That butch queen just don't stop!
This week's Real Housewives of ATL was a CLASSIC!!! One of the best of any season! First, Keeyum decided to resume her music career and once again didn't actually want to sing. And then when she did, it was shitteous as usual! In fact, it may have been even WORSE than I have ever heard her squawk! Khandi tried to "challenge" her, but giiiiiiiiiiiirl, you know that bitch can't sing! Keeyum and NeNe also decided they didn't LIKE the song. Bitchez, be thankful she was even willing to waste time on your talent-free ass! The break-out new cast member is that "bourgetto" (bourgeois + ghetto) nut job, Phaedra! I mean, I freakin' hate her, but at the same time, she brings SO MUCH DRAMA to the show, which it is sorely lacking lately. Sheree's storyline is a total snore and she almost never shares the screen with the other wives. And poor Cynthia, the other new girl, seems like a cool chick, but her storyline with her older fiance is soooooo boring. Even NeNe is suffering a tad, because she and her husband are in the process of splitting up. Dooooowwwwwneeeerrrr! I miss fun and sassy NeNe! But girl, keep ya chin up!
But Phaedra! What a hoity-toity bitch! She's so smug and pretentious, I just want to slap her! But she is SOOOOO tacky and ghetto! Over-the-top ostentatiousness (not a word) is NOTHING to be stuck up about. Just look at the Jersey Wives! Man, I loved her silly, dog and pony show of a baby shower. Ballet dancers and flowers and her gaudy entrance with eyelid crystals and flowers in her hair. Oh and did I mention, she's having a boy?!
What's also hilarious is how in denial she is about her baby! She alleges that she is seven months pregnant, when she is clearly beyond that! I think the implication is that Miss Stuck Up got knocked up before she was married and possibly that the father isn't even her husband/ex-con Apollo. Oh, did I mention, she's a lawyer?! SO FUNNY!!! But surprisingly, who knew, but Top Chef Just Desserts is also bringing the MAD DRAMA!!! It makes that whole season of regular Top Chef with Marcel PALE in comparison! FIRST, in the beginning we meet Seth Caro... professional PSYCHO!!! He was such a drama queen little bitch, but things went to lightspeed when during a challenge, they had to create a dessert using Breyer's ice cream. He flipped the fuck out, when he found out he couldn't make his own ice cream. Then it was revealed that rather than have some paper pastry cups he brought from home be placed in the Top Chef Pantry for all to use, he threw them away. Then he FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT AGAIN, because he was demanding that the producers replace them... the ones he, himself, threw away... out of SPITE!!! So then... he fucking gives himself a panic attack and collapses and has to be rushed to the hospital! NUT JOB!!! Good riddance! He is the TOP CRAZIEST contestant I have ever seen on a competition show! And there have been some DOOZIES!!! So now, the big dramz is the rivalry between alpha male douche bag, Morgan......and nice, but-you-can-tell-he's-still-kinda-cocky, Yigit.Yigit has won himself quite a following with his rosy apple cheeks and boyish looks, but I dunno, there's something about the way his neck and head are the same width that makes me think of... ...and once I saw the resemblance I can't NOT see it. These two haaaaaaaaate each other. Morgan's such a giant prick, I'm sure they all hate him, but I must admit, he ain't hard on the eyes. But the way they fucking singled each other out and the way they squabble, I'm just waiting for them to rip each other's clothes off and have the roughest, angriest, filthiest grudge sex EVER!!! (Let's hope the Bravo film crews capture THAT!) Once again, once I came to this conclusion, I can't not think it, so every time they get into one of their altercations, I'm just TOTALLY waiting for it to happen! It HAS to happen now!
I FREAKING LOVE THIS VERSION OF TEENAGE DREAM FROM TONIGHT'S GLEE!!! I've watched the video like a dozen times and d.l.'ed the full-length version (along with the rest of the new songs from tonight's episode, which oddly number only four). (I prefer the album version, because I felt the way they chopped it up in the video is a bit awkward.) Welcome aboard, Darren Criss! He has a really lovely, smooth tone to his voice and I love that this actually sounds like a real choir song, not a slavish recreation of the original radio version, which is something that happens too often on this show. You are a welcome addition, sir! Glee is getting it right with the "extra" characters this season, unlike fucking Bitchface from the last. What was all that hype about Cherise/"Sunshine" joining the cast? She appeared ONCE and I nearly forgot she was even on it! Darren is cute but producers are being elusive as to whether or not there will be anything romantic between him and Kurt. Plus, I still suspect that Sam may still wind up in that role, so we'll see. He'd better, because Sam + Quinn = snooooooze!!! Could there be a more boring pairing?! Unfortunately, I kinda hate the other three new songs. FUCK REGGAE!!! I fucking haaaaaaate reggae!!! And I can tell this is going to be the last song of the show. It sounds like they are ripping off their own idea and recreating the Girls vs. Boys Mashup Duel from last season. As much as I love a good mashup, at this point, if I could travel back in time and kill the person who invented them, I SO would, just because Glee doesn't know well enough to LET IT DIE!!! The first two they did kicked ass, but that was enough! STOP DOING THEM! Just sing ONE song and do it well! And these are BAD! The girls do "Livin' On A Prayer"/"Start Me Up" while the boys massacre "Stop In The Name Of Love"/"Free Your Mind."
I know a lot of people hated the Rocky Horror episode, but I didn't mind it at all. The criticisms I read, I agreed with, it's just that the weak points didn't bother me as much as they did others. And I TOTALLY dug the songs! Mercedes' "Sweet Transvestite" was my favorite performance of the show, even though on the TV version, they had Will and Emma fuck up the "Antici.... pation" line. Oh well, I still put it on my Halloween mix!
Okay, so first off, I'm not sure how or when I became a fan of the Real Housewives franchise. Sometime around Jersey and Atlanta. Actually, those are the only two I watch. Orange County and NY are boring. (If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me.) These bitches are so RIDICULOUS! Atlanta is THE!! BEST!!! What with Nene and Kee-yum and She By Sheree... FABOOSH! I heard Lisa is leaving the show, which... I mean yeah, she's kinda "the boring one" but you NEED at least one NORMAL one to balance out the krazay of the others! Even though I don't watch whichever one The Countess is on, I have been avidly following her music career. 1st Single - Money Can't Buy You Class
2nd Single - Chic, C'Est La Vie
Such a BROAD repertoire! Those don't sound like THE EXACT SAME SONG AT ALL!!! I mean, it's no "Tardy For The Party." NOTHING is "Tardy For The Party." I love the part at the end, when she talks about having a lipsync contest on her website! I need to do that shizz! Except I like to sing that out loud, even though I can't sing it as deeply as she does. Guess her balls are bigger than mine.
Also, now PROSTITUTION WHORE has a single out too.
Surprisingly, not as entertaining as the others' songs. But those are kinda awesomely terrible. Danielle's is just boring. WORST! DANCERS!! EVER!!! though.
The first part of the Jersey reunion show started out AWESOME!!! It was like The Jerry Springer Show multiplied by PROSTITUTION WHORE!!! But it kinda went downhill after that. I hate listening to Danielle lie and try to act all composed. The second half looks to be entertaining at times, though, so we'll see...
Onto the current batch, the Housewives of DC: SPOILER ALERT!!! I L-O-V-E it! It didn't look like it was going to be that good... well, I mean, it's not GOOD but you know what I mean. There are a few boring nice ones, but the two batshit crazy ones are EXTREMELY batshit crazy, so SCORE! Of course the MAIN reason to tune in is to see the shenanigans of the White House Party Crashers, the Salahis. GOLDMINE! See, I was worried there'd be some rational explanation for the party crash (which will be in the final episode of the season), but NOPE! They're just THAT STUPID! They appear to do it all the time. That Tariq is one prize bullshit artist. One of those "can sell ice to eskimos" types and he's gooooooood at it. Thus far, we've seen them crash the Congregational Black Caucus Dinner by showing up with an invitation for one AND BRINGING FRIENDS and still somehow getting in, getting kicked out (by the SECRET SERVICE) and then getting BACK in... INTO THE V.I.P. AREA!!! WHAT?!?! Later, nice girl Stacie asks Michaele what she thinks of Obama and the string of bullshit and nonsense that comes out of her mouth is PRICELESS! It was just a bunch of words that didn't fit together in ANY logical manner. I wish Bravo would just make one of the awesome gay men on their shows OFFICIAL Housewives. This season's unofficial housewife is Paul. The Salahis throw him a birthday bash... correction, they "sponsored" his birthday bash and then contacted Paul's colleague THE DAY OF and said that they needed IN WRITING a document stating that they would not be responsible to pay for ANY of the party! THE DAY OF!!! Okay, so then, they own a winery, right? So they were going to provide wine from their winery, only at the party, they show up with ONE bottle of champagne that Tariq HAS to open with a sword, because any other way would simply be preposterous. THAT'S IT! Drink up, everyone! There's NO MORE where that came from!
Speaking of the winery, they seem hesitant to allow anyone to sample any of the wine. In one episode, he comes out with some "chardonnay" only it's actually BEER! Then they are supposed to have a grape stomp only the grapes (the few that are there) are CLEARLY grocery store table grapes! The women are supposed to produce like a pint of juice are something and there are only enough grapes that they produce like two drops! Oh and let's not forget that Tariq's MOM has spent two years trying to force him out of the family business! Like what kinda shit do you have to pull that your MOM wants nothing to do with you?!
Here's the real shockerino... THEY'RE NOT EVEN THE WORST ONES! At least they like to have a good time. That "honor" belongs to world class CUNT Cat! I'm not even joking, she might be the most repugnant of ALL the Housewives from ANY of the series! I HATE HER! I want to PUNCH HER REPEATEDLY! She's just a complete and total BITCH at all times to EVERYONE! She claims not to be racist, but... you coulda fooled me, by some of her behavior. Nothing like a little racism to knock it out of the park in the game of Dislikeability! Having her and the Silahis on the same show makes for MUST WATCH TV for me! Awful, awful, awful! But DELICIOUS!
It's a tad too little too late, but I CANNOT believe what little bitches people were being about the Olympics! First that snowboarder got in trouble for his "racy" photos.Then the Canadian Women's Hockey team got in trouble for partying too hard.(Women's Hockey? That's a real thing?!) Big deal! They're OLYMPIC MEDALISTS! They bust their asses, maintaining these GRUELING training schedules, year-round for this dog and pony show for everyone's entertainment and for their countries' glory! And they're kids! Remember YOUR twenties?! Jesus, I'm STILL hungover from mine! And you call those pics racy? You see worse on EVERY VH1 reality show! (Plus, if I had abs like that, I'd show you RACY! He shouldn't even be allowed to WEAR a shirt!) People are so hypocritical and puritanical! How SHOULD they celebrate? With a prayer meeting? Geez, line up the coke and whores on ME if that's what they want! They deserve it!
And in terrible music news, another Pussy has left the Cat House.(Classy.) Um, so like are there any left? How many were there to start with? And, where do you even go from there? It would be like if Chris, Joey and Lance from *NSYNC had tried to go it alone without JC and Justin. It's would be like *NSY*. (Does anyone get that?)
Gossip Girl Leighton Meester has decided to put her music "career" on hold. Yeah, I can see how that 1 1/2 singles could REALLY take it out of you. You deserve a break, Leighton! All that shimmying and pointing... it's right up their with Madonna and her 12,000 stops on this last tour.
You'd think she only did it to fool around with Robin Thicke in the video... which if that's the case, someone get me a producer RIGHT! NOW!!!
And the worst singer ever, Kim Zolciak from the Real Housewives of Atlanta is now a LESBIAN! Gurrrrl, you better clip those press on nails, if you know what I mean! Publicity whore. Because that worked so well for Lindsay Lohan.
(Sorry it cuts off.) Keeyum is pioneering a new form of entertainment. (Ahem, "entertainment.") She's not lipsynching, she's really singing, but at the same time the recording is playing, so she's really singing along with it. Okay... that's what I do in my CAR! Can I have a hit song? Pass on the lesbian thing though, thanks, I'm good.
This last bit is just for Cathy, because we watched Fame the other night, which starred one of the kids from V Factory and I was saying how I saw a clip of them lipsynching and dancing on Wendy Williams and was like, "Aw, how cute that they think holding microphones is fooling anyone. Boys, we know you're not really singing. You don't have to pretend."
I love Wendy's intro, "Our next guests are very five cute guys..." Such a master of her craft. Also, if you're going to lipsynch, microphones are bad news. Remember this:
You don't want everyone to know your pussies are hanging out, do you, V Factory? Also, she doesn't seem at all concerned that her ASS is hanging out the whole time... by design! Besides, who cares if your pussy's hanging out? We all saw it that time you got outta that car, anyway! (P.S.-Remember when Britney was a GOOD dancer? Now she's treading in Leighton Meester territory!) Good thing she didn't have an Olympic Medal. They'd make her give it back! Zing!
I know The Real Housewives of Atlanta is over and they've moved on to Orange Count... zzzzzzzzzzz... oh sorry, fell asleep typing that. Lame. How could anyone compete with Nene, Kim (or as Nene pronounces it, "Keeyum") and Sheree? (Oh and those other two, less bitchy ones.) But, even though the season's over, we still have God's gift to terrible-yet-undeniably-catchy music, the masterpiece of crap known as "Tardy For The Party." Dammit, Bravo... I swear, they used every opportunity to stick that song in the background of every promo, ad, whatever they aired. I think they aired Schindler's List one night and snuck it into the background a couple of times. (Not really.) And that's all it took... just one snippet of "Don-don't be tardy for the party..." and it was stuck in your head for DAYS! I considered trephining.
Sadly, I can't find Keeyum's tone deaf caterwauling performance from the Reunion Show on Youtube. I still have it on my DVR though, so I can enjoy it over and over until my spleen pops! I haven't cackled that hard at something on TV since the David Bowie episode of Flight of the Conchords! The best I could find were a "video" with the studio version and a short clip from some entertainment... show? Something I've never heard of. It gives you a sampling of the entire wretched performance, but it doesn't come close to the real deal.
At least now we know who Heidi Montague's real mother is. They should do a skanktacular duet!
I probably should have posted this next bit before Halloween, because it's kind of fitting, but the new "Tardy For The Party" is definitely Shakira's "She Wolf" (or en espanol, "Loba"). First off... she yodels. I mean, Britney might lipsynch, but... she can't really sing, so at least the recording is in tune... and she isn't yodelling!
But besides the rotten vocals, the LYRICS are the WORST I have ever heard... EVER! "A domesticated girl that's all you ask of me Darling, it is no joke. This is lycanthropy."
LYCANTHROPY?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! That has to be the first usage of that word in a song ever! I mean EV-ER! I'm kind of impressed, actually.
But the real cake comes with: "I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office." REALLY?!?! THAT is the best simile you could come up with for "abused?" A coffee machine in an office?! I hope that when she yodels this song in concert she takes a Mr. Coffee and smashes it on the ground! That would be amusing. And draw attention to her clever bon mot.
I first heard this song on SNL. I hate how they make you sit through the first crap song by the musical guest to get to Weekend Update which is the only reason to even watch the show in the first place. Speaking of horrible infectious music, this past week, I sat through the goddamn Black Eyed Peas only to find the Weekend Update basically sucked! I sat through the BLACK! EYED!! PEAS!!! and all I got was a mediocre Weekend Update?! REALLY?! (Burn!)
Anyhoo, so I saw "She Wolf" on SNL and was impressed with the crappiness. First of all, I love that she had two live violinists... but no DRUMMER! But the real gold in the entire song is that hilariously stupid wolf howl! "There's a she wolf in the closet, open up and set her free... AWOOOOOOOOO!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Best HORRIBLE song ever! It's like a black velvet painting of a warrior woman, riding a dolphin, jumping out of the water, in front of a sunset, whilst battling a dragon and a pegasus unicorn... with a dream catcher ghosted in the dusk sky above them... and the words "Wazzzzzuuuuuuuppppp!" underneath... and it's all inside a thought bubble of a sad clown with a tear trickling down his grease-painted face!
TAKE THAT, SHAKIRA! THERE'S A SIMILE FOR YOUR ASS!!!
That was (half of) a performance by new artist Miss Lawrence, best... only known as one of the gay sidekicks on The Real Housewives of HOTlanta. Guuuuurrrrrrl, that was one sad vogue, bb! But the track, now on iTunes is actually pretty hot! We got another "Tardy For The Party" on our hands, ya'll!
Here is the full-length song:
