March Sanity

God I hate basketball. It's like people just HAVE to have some sport going on for their lives to be fulfilled. Football's over. Baseball hasn't started. "What EVER shall we do with ourselves?! We MUST have some excuse to eat chips and drink beer and ignore reality!" With baseball, I don't like it or anything, but overall it doesn't really bother me. It's kinda like those homeless people downtown that sell Street Vibes. You can say no and they still tell you to have a nice day. Baseball is the somewhat employed, genial homeless person of sports. (Metaphor!) Football... has hot guys. That's all I got. With basketball... ugh! I hate it! The only thing I want to see enormous black men doing is dressing like enormous black women.I love how on RuPaul's Drag Race, she says, in the most dire and serious tone ever, "It's time... to lipsynch... FOR YOUR LIFE." Which is a fallacy, since the eliminated drag queen is never actually put down. Though I don't normally risk death, I think it might be worth it to find an actual situation where lipsynching really could save your life. Like I'm so close to a hungry, pissed off grizzly bear that it's breath is fogging up my glasses... and then, "All the single ladies! (All the single ladies!) All the single ladies! (All the single ladies!) Put'cha hands up!" And death averted!
Foolproof. Suck it MacGuyver!

Well, speaking of nothing interesting going on in March, as everyone knows, I am decidedly PRO-teen idol. Even the ones like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner, who are just kinda popular because they're pretty. (And HOW pretty they are!) In fact, I realized today, after navigating around the huge Twilight kiosk at work all day, that I'm fairly certain Taylor Lautner is screwed. He's famous for being in Twilight and having killer abs. Where do you go from there? No straight guy can ever go to one of his movies without seeming gay. Taylor could probably actually turn a few guys if he wanted. But I digress. Most male actors might be attractive, but they still have SOME guy-appeal, but I'm pretty sure Taylor does not. Poor Button!
Though I might be pro-teen idol in general, I am decidedly anti-Justin Bieber. Sorry, humanity, you lost me. That squeaky, pre-pubescent voice worked well all of thrice, Michael Jackson, Ralph Tresvant from New Edition and Joey MacIntyre. No more! Yuck! I don't get that at all. At least Taylor Hanson sounded vaguely like a guy. Kinda. JB just sounds to be shrieking... except like through his nose. This is coming from me and I listen to some SHITTY singers! (Don-don't be tardy for the party.)

Also, NOT THAT I'M LOOKING, but he's not even cute. Not ugly, but not cute. Cathy used to hate the Jonas Brothers' hair, but Bieber's is worse to me. It's just flat and boring and unkempt.

He kinda creeps me out a tad. Like the way clowns creep some people... er, everybody... out. Don't know what it is. He's like some reptile or something. Not diggin' it, folks!

Disco Wanda: Because I Need More Stuff To Collect

After discovering the existence of Shindana Toys last week, I've been doing some research. (If only cancer were an obscure toy line, I'd have cured that by now.) I was surprised to discover that I had, in fact, owned a Shindana product as a child, the Michael Jackson doll:
I even owned the outfit he's wearing in the photo on the box, the yellow sweater vest/bow tie combo, called "Human Nature" (the same photo appeared on the 45 of that single).
I was stunned to find out that, along the lines of the Flip Wilson doll I mentioned, Shindana also produced a talking doll based on foul-mouthed comedian Redd Foxx! How the BEEP do you BEEP make a BEEP doll out of BEEP Redd BEEP Foxx?! That doll alone is probably responsible for the birth rap music. Sadly, there is very little information about Shindana to be had on teh internets. There's a Wikipedia page, but it just has a listing of some high-lights and a few products they made. There are a few items on eBay, mostly their celebrity dolls, and most of those... ESPECIALLY OJ Simpson are quite $$$. Still no sign of Slade the Super Agent, but rest assured, he WILL be mine.Mattel first introduced a black "friend" for Barbie in 1967, "Black Francie" which was the Caucasian Francie doll (Barbie's MOD British cousin) cast in brown plastic. The following year, Mattel introduced Christy, and gave her true African American features, and she remained a constant part of the line for years.

Shindana countered with Wanda, an African American gal who was her own headliner. (Sadly, I don't believe Shindana issued any friends or a boyfriend for her.) Here is Wanda as a TWA flight attendant.
And as a nurse:I'm sure "A Special Person" sounded nicer at the time. Seeing as the doll was 9", it wasn't compatible with the Barbie line, which is probably why I've never heard of it before. It's probably not highly sought-after. And honestly, these two versions of Wanda are rather drab. However, I did discover a MUST-HAVE... Disco Wanda:
Well, first thing, that illustration on the box bears a strong resemblance to this Donna Summer album cover:Also, the difference between Disco Wanda and the Career Girl Wandas is HUGE! She has longer, more glamorous hair. Her outfit is vastly more colorful and eye-catching. (Minus that unfortunate crotch in those pants! That is NOT the area where you want to go wrong on an outfit!) How fierce is that top and matching head wrap? Also, possibly a sign of the times, she is rocking that plunging V-neck with NO BRA underneath! Gloria Steinham would have been proud.
The best part, however, is that facial mold!
The first two Wanda dolls have such neutral expressions, but look how DELIGHTED Disco Wanda seems! (She must know she will one day belong to ME!) Magnificent! I am especially impressed with the open mouth smile, with teeth apart. I don't believe I have EVER seen a doll with that expression! She is having the BEST time a doll ever has!

So the hunt continues... hmmm, I wonder if I could only choose one, Disco Wanda or Slade the Super Agent, which I would pick? Hmmmm...

Hey! Remember Me?

I found this article stating that Jennifer Lopez and her record company, Sony, had "parted ways." (I.e. Get lost, bitch!) It claims that it was a "mutual decision." Uh huh. You may or may not be aware of this, but she's actually released two "come back" singles since last fall, "Fresh Out The Oven":


Followed by "Louboutins.":


(You lipsynch the shit outta that, gurrrl!) Okay, so first of all, J-Lo has been gone "from the block" for a long ass time. What was her last hit? One of those (numerous) collaborations with Ja Rule? (Coincidentally, probably also his last hit.) So, really, she and Sony needed to buckle down and really work to make this comeback a success, but "Fresh Out The Oven" is straight out the BORING and I had no idea what "Louboutins" even were or how to pronounce it... Oh trust me, I figured it out after she said it a trillion times in the song. Gah! That is one of the most annoying songs ever... and that includes "Thong Song!"

Okay now dig this, not just are these two singles pretty weak, she (or they) didn't release them as being BY "Jennifer Lopez" or even "J-Lo!" They were released by... "LoLa!" LoLa?! You already had one nickname! And nicknames are fine (e.g. Mimi, Sasha Fierce... also am I the only one who can only say "Sasha Fierce" in a whisper?) but you DON'T GIVE THEM CREDIT ON YOUR COMEBACK SINGLE!!! Seriously, THIS is the artwork:
Strike two: It's a closeup of her LIPS! Girl, you're one of the most gorgeous and famous women in the world! Put your WHOLE face on that! Or better yet, that AZZ!

Anyway, I can't hate on Jenny too hard. After all, we share a common "greatest hit." (Waiting for tonight... oh oooh oh!) The article also mentions: “Sony Music execs aren’t sure who her audience is anymore. Where once she had little girls, she’s been supplanted by Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna.” Look asshole, just because I play with dolls and like cute boys doesn't give you the right... Oh, you were talking about real little girls? Nurhmind.

It got me thinking, though, why do pop stars just fall off? Is there really only so much room in our collective consciences to like so much pop music and do we really only care about the latest and greatest? I really wondered that with Janet Jackson. Once upon a time, she was second only to Madonna as the biggest pop star in the world. Now it's like nothing she does manages to generate ANY attention. Her last few albums and singles have all tanked. And a lot of them aren't bad! Check out her most recent, "Make Me":

See? Not bad! Maybe it sounded too much like her old stuff? My friend Tee thinks people still haven't forgiven her for flashing her tittay at the Super Bowl, but I mean... if he hadn't brought that up, I'd have forgotten all about it, and I can't imagine America with its short attention span still holds a grudge over that. Besides, don't act like you don't like looking at tittayz! There's a Hooters down the street from my house, right by a Buffalo Wild Wings and Buffalo Wings & Rings and Hooters doesn't hold a buffalo candle to either one of those, so there's some reason people still go there! (Two, actually.)

And it's not just long-time artists. Britney's "comeback" two years ago mirrored Madonna's recent successes. One comeback single ("Womanizer"), followed by another hit ("Circus") followed by flop, flop, flop. Shakira's latest album almost didn't get released. (Maybe the public got over its acceptance of yodeling on pop songs.) Timbaland has released FOUR singles in the past couple months, none of which has done squat, so they keep pushing his next album back as well. And in the past month(ish) they've fired three Pussycat Dolls!

Okay, quick aside, have you seen that shitwreck "We Are The World" remake? Oh my gawd, so damn bad! HOW the hell did that lead Pussycat get such a big part! (Guess Lionel Ritchie likes Billie Joes.) But I mean, we all know how MJ felt about pussy... cats. Justin Bieber kicking things off makes sense (OH YES I DID!!!), but not Pussy #1. I imagine MJ's ghost popping up shrieking in that high-pitched voice, "What the hell ya'll doing? Get my dead ass out of this mess!"

And I wanted to mention something else. A couple years ago, I went APE SHIT over Mika. (Most of you will certainly recall this, as I started every conversation for like six months with, "Did you buy the Mika album YET?!") I mean I was over the moon for that album. He put out a new album a few months ago and... I mean, I totally bought it and listened to it. Every time he puts out a new single, I put it in my "Current" iMix, but... it's just not doing it for me, for whatever reason. Maybe I was so enchanted by Mika because he was NEW, but now, not only isn't he, but his sound has been... er, homaged by others, like Sliimy. I can't explain it. I mean, it's not like I don't still love Mika, but I'm just not jumping up and down like I was before. So maybe we all just DO move on constantly to the newest and shiniest thing to come along. Or like, in the case of Ke$ha, newest and filthiest. "Got any druuuuuuugs?" PS, shoes with no socks, equals STANK feet. But then, who'd notice over the other assorted reek that I assume she exudes? (This is progress?)

Halloween Memories Part 3: Zombiepocalypse!

So, confession. I don't like "Thriller." Not even the video. It's not especially scary... except for the lead lady's leggings and jheri curl. But upon it's debut, it became the unofficial "Halloween Carol" and I, in general, have a great distaste for "Carols" of any holiday variety. First of all, in terms of simple song quality, "Thriller" is no "Billie Jean." In fact, "Thriller" is no "Somebody's Watching Me" and MJ only sang the hook to that song. I was delighted last year, when Rihanna put out the vastly superior "Disturbia" which I'd hoped would bump "Thriller" and become the next great Halloween Carol but then... well, we all know what happened.

Somehow, I can't help but wonder if MJ did it on purpose, just to prevent "Disturbia" from overtaking "Thriller." He would, that asshole. So definitely looks like I won't be NOT hearing "Thriller" this Halloween.
So the real reason I called you here today, zombies. I just woke up from a night's sleep filled with nothing but dreams about zombies. Seriously! That's all I dreampt of last night! I'm not even sure why. I haven't seen Zombieland yet. I haven't been watching or reading anything pertaining to zombies. And yet, EVERY. SINGLE. DREAM. Cathy had the same experience the other night but she has an excuse. She has both seen Zombieland and was in the process of devouring volumes one thru nine of The Walking Dead. (More on that in a bit.) I suppose, I have been discussing The Walking Dead with her, but that's about it. Also, a bit frightening, and feel free to consider me full of shit, but when I was younger I used to have those weird precognitive dreams that would actually come true. Like I said, I was a lot younger (like 12) but it really happened.

I probably have spent in inordinant amount of time musing about the possibility of a zombie infestation and the proper course of action to be taken in such a case. In fact, I am fairly certain that I am most prepared for a zombie infestation out of all the monster-invasion scenarios. I certainly wouldn't be prepared for Frankenstein's Monster, seeing as how I own, neither a torch nor a pitchfork. Nor know enough people to form an angry mob. Back to zombies, however, unfortunately, in my secret identity, I am a pacifist and do not own nor know how to operate firearms, nor do I believe that private individuals should own or know how to operate firearms. Take that, right-wing, militia, gun-nuts! However, should a zombie infestation occur, cruel irony will once again grace my life, as the closest approximation to a firearm I will be able to locate nearby will be an aluminum baseball bat and, once again, ironically, I could probably adapt to a gun quicker than I could to a piece of sporting equipment.

I'm not even of that calibre of dork that I own movie replica weapons. I don't even have a samurai sword or pair of nunchuks lying around! Not even a lightsabre! And somehow I doubt cutting that tube of cardboard in the center of a toilet paper roll lengthwise so that I fits around my wrists, a la Wonder Woman's deflective bracelets (speaking from experience), will help much. (Then again, it certainly couldn't hurt.)

I don't normally like "scary" movies. And I ABSOLUTELY don't like the Scary Movies. Somebody put In Living Color back on TV so the Wayans brothers will stop cranking out these terrible "parodies." Anyway, though I may not be lining up for Saw 9: The Sawiest!, I will go see a zombie movie with the minimalest of coaxing. I don't know why that is, but I love zombie movies and the thought of "what would I do if this really happened?" I think it might be the notion that in this apocalyptic scenario, I could actually survive due to my wits. I mean, I can't outsmart a bomb, earthquake or deranged chainsaw killer. But zombies? They're really dumb! Like people that enjoy the Transformers movies! (Or the Scary Movies!) I relish the thought of taking one of their heads off and delivering my quippy one-liner "Check your brain at the door!" ZING!!! BURN!!!

While I used to buy into that whole Day of the Dead scenario of setting up shop in the local mall... I mean, refuge from the undead AND Orange Julius?! DONE! However, from reading The Walking Dead, I think it makes more sense to vacate highly populated metropolitan areas (now populated by the brain-jonesing undead), for the idylic country life. That would, of course, be the ONLY reason I'd ever want to vacate the city for the country. (Where the hell is the nearest Target?!) But... it's one helluva reason.

I love The Walking Dead. I had heard it was good, so I picked up the first two volumes at Borders one day. I read them straight through and drove back to Borders to get the rest, but they had every volume EXCEPT three! So I drove all the way to Barnes & Nobel in Kenwood to get that. It's a definite page-turner. Reading the first two, I was getting annoyed because there were like 20-something characters! Plus, it's in black & white, so there isn't even the luxery of using color to differentiate them all. I thought, "Why are there so many freakin' characters?" and then realized, "Oh, right... zombies." When I gave them to Cathy to read, I made sure to offer the caveat, "Don't get attached to ANY of the characters." (Spoiler: They pretty much all die!) It isn't the best-written graphic novel, but sometimes things don't have to be great to be addicting.

One recurring theme is the cast settling into a particular home base and someone saying "Why can't we just stay here? We could have a normal life here!" and then something happening to screw that all to hell. But the idea of finding like a farm and fencing it off and growing produce and delicious un-zombiefied animals to eat... that would totally work! And here's another tip... do NOT offer up your base of refuge to other humans. Humans SUCK! They will just come in, eat your un-zombiefied food, rape your women and children and somehow your once-safe haven will be overrun with zombies. Never fails.

So speaking of things not having to be great to be entertaining (and sucking, for that matter), how about that new fall TV season?
I am totally hooked on Stefan's Creek... I mean The Vampire Diaries. I haven't read the books. I didn't even know there were books. But I know a lot of people are turned off because Twilight so desperately sucks and everyone thinks this is the TV version of that, but it's not. It's just what I called it, Stefan's Creek. Straight up, CW teen soap opera... with some blood sucking thrown in. I mean, if you like ANY teen soap operas, you'll like this one. And unlike Twilight, the underlying theme isn't "Girls, it doesn't matter if he bruises the shit out of you! He's totally dreamy! That's worth the pain, right?"
And another show that has me hooked, Eastwick. So cheesy, but still addictive! It's one part Charmed, one part Desperate Housewives (season one only)... all cheesy, prime time soap opera goodness. Plus, Matt Dallas is in it and is shirtless like 90% of the time.
Gah! I hate Rebecca Romijn! Not only does she get to be married to Jerry O'Connel in real life, but she gets to go to work and make out with sexy, shirtless Matt Dallas and get paid for it?! My career counseller and I need to have words. I very clearly put down on my career aptitude test that I would be more than willing to make out with Matt Dallas as frequently and for as long as necessary! For FREE! Consider it an internship!
(Gratuitous second pic... just cuz!)

My favorite character though is the mousey reporter. My least favorite is the abused wife, just because I'm kinda sick of abused wives on TV shows. (Dexter.) Just kill off the abusive husband, already! We already know it's coming!

Last note for this blog... as Mean Girls pointed out, Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress like total sluts and get away with it. The idea of "sexy" versions of things that aren't normally sexy has gotten way out of hand, as evidenced by...
Sexy Freddie Krueger. That makes complete and total sense. Wait, WHAT?!?! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Why not a sexy John Wayne Gacey clown costume? SO stupid!