Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Hey! Remember Me?

I found this article stating that Jennifer Lopez and her record company, Sony, had "parted ways." (I.e. Get lost, bitch!) It claims that it was a "mutual decision." Uh huh. You may or may not be aware of this, but she's actually released two "come back" singles since last fall, "Fresh Out The Oven":

Followed by "Louboutins.":

(You lipsynch the shit outta that, gurrrl!) Okay, so first of all, J-Lo has been gone "from the block" for a long ass time. What was her last hit? One of those (numerous) collaborations with Ja Rule? (Coincidentally, probably also his last hit.) So, really, she and Sony needed to buckle down and really work to make this comeback a success, but "Fresh Out The Oven" is straight out the BORING and I had no idea what "Louboutins" even were or how to pronounce it... Oh trust me, I figured it out after she said it a trillion times in the song. Gah! That is one of the most annoying songs ever... and that includes "Thong Song!"

Okay now dig this, not just are these two singles pretty weak, she (or they) didn't release them as being BY "Jennifer Lopez" or even "J-Lo!" They were released by... "LoLa!" LoLa?! You already had one nickname! And nicknames are fine (e.g. Mimi, Sasha Fierce... also am I the only one who can only say "Sasha Fierce" in a whisper?) but you DON'T GIVE THEM CREDIT ON YOUR COMEBACK SINGLE!!! Seriously, THIS is the artwork:
Strike two: It's a closeup of her LIPS! Girl, you're one of the most gorgeous and famous women in the world! Put your WHOLE face on that! Or better yet, that AZZ!

Anyway, I can't hate on Jenny too hard. After all, we share a common "greatest hit." (Waiting for tonight... oh oooh oh!) The article also mentions: “Sony Music execs aren’t sure who her audience is anymore. Where once she had little girls, she’s been supplanted by Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna.” Look asshole, just because I play with dolls and like cute boys doesn't give you the right... Oh, you were talking about real little girls? Nurhmind.

It got me thinking, though, why do pop stars just fall off? Is there really only so much room in our collective consciences to like so much pop music and do we really only care about the latest and greatest? I really wondered that with Janet Jackson. Once upon a time, she was second only to Madonna as the biggest pop star in the world. Now it's like nothing she does manages to generate ANY attention. Her last few albums and singles have all tanked. And a lot of them aren't bad! Check out her most recent, "Make Me":

See? Not bad! Maybe it sounded too much like her old stuff? My friend Tee thinks people still haven't forgiven her for flashing her tittay at the Super Bowl, but I mean... if he hadn't brought that up, I'd have forgotten all about it, and I can't imagine America with its short attention span still holds a grudge over that. Besides, don't act like you don't like looking at tittayz! There's a Hooters down the street from my house, right by a Buffalo Wild Wings and Buffalo Wings & Rings and Hooters doesn't hold a buffalo candle to either one of those, so there's some reason people still go there! (Two, actually.)

And it's not just long-time artists. Britney's "comeback" two years ago mirrored Madonna's recent successes. One comeback single ("Womanizer"), followed by another hit ("Circus") followed by flop, flop, flop. Shakira's latest album almost didn't get released. (Maybe the public got over its acceptance of yodeling on pop songs.) Timbaland has released FOUR singles in the past couple months, none of which has done squat, so they keep pushing his next album back as well. And in the past month(ish) they've fired three Pussycat Dolls!

Okay, quick aside, have you seen that shitwreck "We Are The World" remake? Oh my gawd, so damn bad! HOW the hell did that lead Pussycat get such a big part! (Guess Lionel Ritchie likes Billie Joes.) But I mean, we all know how MJ felt about pussy... cats. Justin Bieber kicking things off makes sense (OH YES I DID!!!), but not Pussy #1. I imagine MJ's ghost popping up shrieking in that high-pitched voice, "What the hell ya'll doing? Get my dead ass out of this mess!"

And I wanted to mention something else. A couple years ago, I went APE SHIT over Mika. (Most of you will certainly recall this, as I started every conversation for like six months with, "Did you buy the Mika album YET?!") I mean I was over the moon for that album. He put out a new album a few months ago and... I mean, I totally bought it and listened to it. Every time he puts out a new single, I put it in my "Current" iMix, but... it's just not doing it for me, for whatever reason. Maybe I was so enchanted by Mika because he was NEW, but now, not only isn't he, but his sound has been... er, homaged by others, like Sliimy. I can't explain it. I mean, it's not like I don't still love Mika, but I'm just not jumping up and down like I was before. So maybe we all just DO move on constantly to the newest and shiniest thing to come along. Or like, in the case of Ke$ha, newest and filthiest. "Got any druuuuuuugs?" PS, shoes with no socks, equals STANK feet. But then, who'd notice over the other assorted reek that I assume she exudes? (This is progress?)

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