Thursday, February 11, 2010

Team Jacob Is SO Yesterday

Dear Taylor,
It's not you, it's me. Yes, you are the hottest 17 year-old slice on the planet, even if you did get dumped for *Blech* John Mayer (what was that chick thinking?!) . Feel free to continue taking off your shirt for magazine covers, as I will continue to enjoy gazing at them, but there's someone else. Sorry!

Okay, as far as Twilight stars, even Taylor cannot compare to sexy Kellan Lutz, whose movie name I do not know, as I basically know nothing about Twilight other than I wish I were in those casting sessions.
Yeah, I'm a sucker for beefcake. Sue me. I don't feel so bad, since having the conversation with several of my snootiest, most intellectual friends, where we all agreed that we'd most like to sleep with Emilio Estevez's character out of all the Breakfast Club-bers, proving that for all out intellectual snootiness, we'd all still go for the jock.
Besides, for all Taylor's shirtlessness, sorry but pantsless trumps shirtless! That's just logic!
I order all my undies online, because they don't sell the kind I like in stores. Let me put it this way, you've seen how jaunty my outer garments are, right? That has NOTHING on my undies. It's like gift wrap... in my pants. So, anyway, I got an email from one of the 0nline stores that I buy from for Calvin Klein's new X line, which Mr. Lutz is modeling in the above ads and I ordered them without a second thought. I suppose it's the same as why they use busty lasses to advertise beer. But how do you say no to THIS?:
They could slap that pic on a box of TAMPONS and I'd buy it! They could slap it on Glenn Beck's next book and I'd buy it! (I'd just keep the picture and burn the rest, but I'd still buy it... probably multiple copies!) Note to Wall Street.
I went into the absolute wrongest profession I possibly could. THAT is really a job? To spritz shirtless, pantless Kellan Lutz? Where do I send my resume?! "Oh sorry, sir, it looks like the spritzer is broken. Guess I'll have to apply it with my tongue. You're okay with that, right?"
Yep, no stuffing down there.
Sorry Taylor. It was fun while it lasted. But it's over... until you get an underwear ad campaign, in which case, get back to me. Oh and turn 18 while you're at it.

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