Monday, November 30, 2009

Post Thanksgiving Reflections PLUS How To Dance Like Leighton Meester!

This is a tad late, but... I suppose first of all, I'm not sure how often I should update my blog, seeing as how I am not a celebrity and therefore don't have a lot going on in my life. I mean, does anyone want to know what I'm doing every single day? I don't even want to know that. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and ask someone to wake me up when something interesting happens. Not that I don't LIKE my life, it's just that it's fairly ordinary.

As for work, I was speaking with a stranger the other day and they said something like, "Do you have any education?" Ouch. Then when they found out that I have an English degree, they incredulously asked, "Can't you teach? You should look into that. That's better than working at Target. It would pay a lot more." To which I superiorly chortled, "Oh ha ha, I don't have to support myself. And I hate kids and especially teenagers. So yeah, I'll stick to straightening stuff on shelves for 5 hours a day 4 days a week. Plus, that gives me time to keep up with what the cast of Twilight does in their spare time." (Answer: Sulk.) Okay, I didn't really say all that, but that was the gist. Why does everyone act like working at Target is some punishment? I mean, everyone loves Target! I was there like five days a week anyway, I just figured out a way to get paid for it, rather than put up with dirty brats and snotty punks. Looks like I'm the one with the keys to the kingdom, sir. Ha! And at least I have a job. Not everyone is so fortunate these days. AND it's across the street from my house. I don't even have to commute. So take your teaching suggestion and shove it up your ass.

Since last week was Thanksgiving, I was thinking about things to be grateful for, for a change, since I spend so much of my time bitching about things I hate. I'm pretty grateful for everything. Even rotten stuff, because you can learn from it. Like I said, at least I have a job... and not to keep harping on it, I can NOT believe how much shit I put up with from Palomino all that time. Jesus! That job SUUUUUUUUCKED! Possibly the worst one I've ever had! I can't believe I put up with it for so long! UGH!

Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure this is the real reason anyone reads this blog, me talking smack about celebs. This is kind of a follow up to the Shakira post last week. Perez Hilton posted this video of Leighton Meester performing "Somebody To Love" on MTV. I love this song, but the performance is awesome... -ly bad! Ha ha!
Okay, although I like the song, I must take issue with the opening lines, "Paris, France to Michigan. London Town and through Berlin. I can't believe this place I'm in. Everywhere and back again." Ahem. Allow me to illustrate:
"Paris, France...
"to Michigan...
"London Town...
"and through Berlin..."
Did you catch which of these isn't like the others? Let's try it again...
"Paris, France...
"London Town...
"and through Berlin..."

MICHIGAN?! Ew! Leighton is just the latest teen idol who has been given a record contract despite having no actual music ability. Thank heavens for Auto Tune, I suppose. Her vocals certainly aren't "Tardy For The Party" bad. They're not even Heidi Montague bad. They're perfectly serviceable. If she were at karaoke, I'd clap. But that does not warrant a record contract.

BUT, lack of singing ability never stopped anyone before. In fact, I tend to find the best technical singers to be the worst entertainers... ahem, Celine. Cough, Mariah. But look at J. Lo. Not the best voice, but decent enough and when she isn't falling on her ass, a decent entertainer. But J. Lo can dance... Leighton, not so much.

She's kinda doing what little girls (and me) do in their bedrooms when listening to music, so now I present to you, How To Dance Like Leighton Meester:

Step 1. Walk back and forth (slowly... that indicates that you are sexy)
Step 2. Shimmy your shoulders
Step 3. Point everytime the word "you" appears in a song
Step 4. Touch your chest everytime "me" or "I" appears
Step 5. When not saying "you," "me" or "I" hold your hand up and pivot your wrist (slowly) as if saying "this and that" without really saying it. (I know, who knew choreography was so complicated?!)
Step 6. Bob your hips up and down
Step 7. Every couple of lines, shift your weight from one leg to the other.

Ta dah! Now you can dance like a real professional singer!

I also love that when she says "Wait!" she does the "Stop In The Name Of Love"/"Talk To The Hand" gesture (slowly). Then, look out, because then the chorus kicks in and... booty sway, booty sway, step right, right, left, left. Whoo! Working up a sweat! Then in the second verse, you can tell she's really feeling it because then she crouches down. Slowly. Then back up. Then more walking. Then second chorus, same as the first. Then bridge, "Turn around..." (which she doesn't) "Strike a pose..." (which she... kinda does... kinda...) Then suddenly, the song speeds up, yet she doesn't. I'm fairly certain, I worked up more of a sweat typing all this than she did in that entire performance. I probably used more muscles, too. What a work out! I need to go replenish my fluids.

I was talking about coffee, thank you! Smart ass!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"She Wolf" Is The New "Tardy For The Party!"

I know The Real Housewives of Atlanta is over and they've moved on to Orange Count... zzzzzzzzzzz... oh sorry, fell asleep typing that. Lame. How could anyone compete with Nene, Kim (or as Nene pronounces it, "Keeyum") and Sheree? (Oh and those other two, less bitchy ones.) But, even though the season's over, we still have God's gift to terrible-yet-undeniably-catchy music, the masterpiece of crap known as "Tardy For The Party." Dammit, Bravo... I swear, they used every opportunity to stick that song in the background of every promo, ad, whatever they aired. I think they aired Schindler's List one night and snuck it into the background a couple of times. (Not really.) And that's all it took... just one snippet of "Don-don't be tardy for the party..." and it was stuck in your head for DAYS! I considered trephining.

Sadly, I can't find Keeyum's tone deaf caterwauling performance from the Reunion Show on Youtube. I still have it on my DVR though, so I can enjoy it over and over until my spleen pops! I haven't cackled that hard at something on TV since the David Bowie episode of Flight of the Conchords! The best I could find were a "video" with the studio version and a short clip from some entertainment... show? Something I've never heard of. It gives you a sampling of the entire wretched performance, but it doesn't come close to the real deal.

At least now we know who Heidi Montague's real mother is. They should do a skanktacular duet!

I probably should have posted this next bit before Halloween, because it's kind of fitting, but the new "Tardy For The Party" is definitely Shakira's "She Wolf" (or en espanol, "Loba"). First off... she yodels. I mean, Britney might lipsynch, but... she can't really sing, so at least the recording is in tune... and she isn't yodelling!

But besides the rotten vocals, the LYRICS are the WORST I have ever heard... EVER!
"A domesticated girl that's all you ask of me
Darling, it is no joke. This is lycanthropy."

LYCANTHROPY?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! That has to be the first usage of that word in a song ever! I mean EV-ER! I'm kind of impressed, actually.

But the real cake comes with: "I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office." REALLY?!?! THAT is the best simile you could come up with for "abused?" A coffee machine in an office?! I hope that when she yodels this song in concert she takes a Mr. Coffee and smashes it on the ground! That would be amusing. And draw attention to her clever bon mot.

I first heard this song on SNL. I hate how they make you sit through the first crap song by the musical guest to get to Weekend Update which is the only reason to even watch the show in the first place. Speaking of horrible infectious music, this past week, I sat through the goddamn Black Eyed Peas only to find the Weekend Update basically sucked! I sat through the BLACK! EYED!! PEAS!!! and all I got was a mediocre Weekend Update?! REALLY?! (Burn!)

Anyhoo, so I saw "She Wolf" on SNL and was impressed with the crappiness. First of all, I love that she had two live violinists... but no DRUMMER! But the real gold in the entire song is that hilariously stupid wolf howl! "There's a she wolf in the closet, open up and set her free... AWOOOOOOOOO!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Best HORRIBLE song ever! It's like a black velvet painting of a warrior woman, riding a dolphin, jumping out of the water, in front of a sunset, whilst battling a dragon and a pegasus unicorn... with a dream catcher ghosted in the dusk sky above them... and the words "Wazzzzzuuuuuuuppppp!" underneath... and it's all inside a thought bubble of a sad clown with a tear trickling down his grease-painted face!


Monday, November 16, 2009

America Loses Right To Refer To "American Football" As "Football!"

(Not really.) This blog could be subtitled "Australia Is The New Sweden," for those of you that recall my old Myspace blog about my love for that crazy Scandinavian country responsible for Swedish Meatballs, Swedish Fish, Ikea, awesome synth pop and Pippi Longstocking. Now it's those wacky, upside down, digeridoo-playing cobbers who have gotten themselves all in a lather over a certain pop trainwreck we like to call Britney Spears. Apparently, people were walking out of her "concert" in droves because they realized she was lipsynching. How sad is it, as a society, that we American's responded nonchalantly, "It's Britney Spears. That's all she does." Quick aside...
SOMEONE really needs to pull this girl aside and say, "Look, you know when you look in the mirror and see yourself? That's NOT what the rest of us see." Bitch has more muffin tops than Panera Bread! It's called a SHIRT! Try wearing one! It's been a long-ass time since "I'm A Slave 4 U!"
We must forgive the Australians for (gasp!) actually expecing singers to sing, seeing as how they are used to a higher caliber of pop diva.
Anyway, as for the title of this post, as we all know, (most of) the rest of the world refers to soccer as "football." Americans just made up a completely different game and stole the name. Kinda like how we just randomly made up our system of measurement. Seriously, it's like *I* came up with that!
I recently discovered, however, that what Australians call "football" is neither soccer nor American football, but rather RUGBY. I discovered this by way of something called the "Gods of Football."
Ahem, yes, let me compose myself. The uh... hee hee... Gods of Football is an annual calendar featuring the stars... wooo, is it hot in here?!... of their Rugby League and Australian League Football... NAKED!!! It benefits breast cancer, so all I have to say is suck that, Tide in a pink jug! How many naked footballers do I get to see during that walk-a-thon? None? Awwwww, I'm busy that day. Darn it all!

This is my favorite, Kayne Lawton:
Those eyes are drool-tastic! He doesn't even have to get naked... wait, what am I saying?!
So SORRY, America! You had a good run with the name "football." You too, Soccer. But clearly, Australia is more focused in using "football" to its fullest extent, so hand over the moniker. I'm sure you'll come up with suitible replacement names. How about, "That thing you do after tail-gating?" Seriously, until I get to see Carson Palmer's ass, you've lost the rights to the name. Shoulda thought about all that first! That's what you get for poor planning. So anyway, I have a flight to Australia to catch!
(Once again, not really!)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Ain't Mad At Ya, Sandra Bullock

I'd smile too if I were this chick. I am SO onto you, sister!
"Who me?"
Oh don't play that whole innocent, America's Sweetheart thing with me, lady. Last night, when I turned off my Tivo, the TV was on some prime time news... well entertainment news, but still... an interview special with country music stars and it just so happened to be a feature on Tim McGraw. I don't really know Mr. McGraw's music, seeing as how I do not drive a pickup truck or shop at Walmart, but having eyes, I do and have always realized that he was extremely HAWT.
In addition to making music that I don't listen to-- what d'ya know?!-- he's now making movies... with Sandra Bullock. I thought, "Why would he be in a movie with Sandra Bullock?" then realized, "Because he's hot and Sandra Bullock always stars alongside hot guys!" Ah HA! It's true! Ever since she gained fame in those Speed movies the kids all love, she's done nothing but use her Hollywood clout to make out with hot guys!
Post-Speed, she had to do time making out with a couple of ickies like Dennis Leary in Two If By Sea and Bill Pullman (okay not icky per se... but still) in While You Were Sleeping (one of my mom's faves, seriously, although she calls it Why You Sleep... it's funnier if you hear me doing the accent, but... use your imagination). (Also, I'm throwing Keanu in the icky category, because it's my blog and I make the rules. Take that Neo!) By then, she'd landed her prime spot as "America's Sweetheart"... and then she was SET! Next up, In Love And War with eternal cutiepie Chris O'Donnell... so cute, even Batman & Robin couldn't spoil him for me. (Still not gonna watch NCIS, though. Gotta have boundaries.)
Then, A Time To Kill, with a then-unknown Matthew McCaauuughgh... yeah, this guy. Sandra plucked his fine ass from obscurity, for the sole purpose of tapping that. I can't really hold what he became later against her. Yuck. (Reportedly, he doesn't wear deodorant... now just think about how much time he spends running around shirtless on the beach and then subtract deodorant from the equation... EW! indeed.)
Next came manly Nichole Kidman in Practical Magic. And after that, Ben Affleck in Forces of Nature. Well... at least it wasn't as bad as Gigli. I must admit that I don't really find Ben Affleck all that attractive (although he does look pretty smokey-dokie in this pic)...
However, I adore Corey Monteith in Glee whom I refer to as "Baby Ben Affleck." Aw... Finn!
Next came the REAL talent to come out of the Mickey Mouse Club, Ryan Gosseling. Yeah! You didn't know those pipes were hiding under those sleeves, did you? Back off! I saw him first! (Literally, I used to tape the Mickey Mouse Club everyday!) To top it all off, Sandra and Ryan actually dated in real life, even though she's about twenty years older than him. I guess. I don't really know how old she is and if I did, I still wouldn't bother doing the math. Too busy staring at biceps.
Most recently, she knocked it out of the park with The Proposal alongside Mr. Sexiest Body Ever, Ryan Reynolds. (Sandra said, "Oh what's this? There just happens to be a nude scene in the script! Tee hee! Oh well, guess we haaaave to do it, if it's in the script. God how lame... heh heh heh.")
And Mr. All-Around-Hottest-Guy-Ever, Bradley Cooper. I don't even have anything quippy to say about that. I'm too mesmerized by those eyes. (What the FUCK is he doing dating that Apple Head, Renee Zellwegger?!)
Which brings us up to date, with Tim McGraw. More rugged sexy than most of the guys on this list, but then again, I prefer that to man-pretty, y'know?
Also, even though I don't know HIS music all that well... okay, at all, I know his wife Faith Hill's and I like her. In fact, they may be my favorite celebrity couple. I just love seeing them together. I swear if THEY ever broke up, I'd just be devastated. I'd be convinced that there was no such thing as true love and even question the universe. "Why are we here? Whyyyyyyyy?!"

Like I said, I ain't mad at Sandra Bullock for using her powers for evil. Trust me, if I could do it, I would. But the real question is... she's made out with the hottest guys in Hollywood... so...
Why is she married to this guy?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween Postscript

I don't know about you, but Halloween this year was kind of a bust. I didn't go to any parties. I didn't even dress up at any point. Also, we didn't get many trick-or-treaters. Only about 20! I still have half a tub full... and it's the good stuff, Milk Chocolate and Peanut M&Ms, Snickers, Milky Ways, Nerds and Skittles and I was even giving each kid two pieces. (David felt the need to sift through it, then when I asked what he was looking for, replied "Reese's cups." It's always the ONE thing I didn't get that people want. No pleasing.)

I'm going to add one more candy to my list of worsts: 3 Musketeers.
Does anyone like them? At my Target orientation, they had a basket of bite-sized candy bars and everyone was going after the same ones, Twix (my FAVE!), Snickers, Milky Ways... no one took the 3 Muskies, which reinforced my feeling that this is the worst of all the candy bars. It's just chocolate and nugat. Add caramel and it's a Milky Way. Add peanuts to a MW and it's a Snickers. I guess those two ingredients make all the difference. I'd rather eat a plain ol' Hershey bar than a 3 Muskie. Those just suck! They should stop making them.

Anyhoo, I went to Target orientation on Sunday and it was four hours consisting of three and a half hours of the exact same orientation I have ever had to sit through for any job, i.e. don't steal or sexually harrass anyone, with the addition of "unions are bad." Seriously, the anti-union video was longer than ANY of the other videos that, y'know, taught you how to do YOUR JOB. This appears to be quite the Monkey Job, which is fine. After having to jump through hoop after hoop at my last job, I could use the break. The one drawback is that, despite having shopped at that Target at least once a week for the past three years, people kept asking to help them find crap that I'd never buy, like light bulbs and electric heaters. I can tell you where the action figures and Jonas Brothers bedding is, but don't ask me for anything practical. I have no idea where that junk is! I'm just going to start telling people, "I'd help you, but you're buying boring stuff, so find it on your own." Not really, but you KNOW I'll be thinking it.

Sadly, turns out I won't get the one super perk I thought I'd get, first crack at new toys. It's againt policy to put things aside, buy anything from the back room, buy anything while I'm working, etc. (I can be on my break, however.) But it has to go on the shelves first so guests get first crack. Even so, I scored my first employee purchases last night:
Justice League Unlimited Blackhawk figure and...
Taylor Lautner paper plates, so I can actually EAT OFF OF Taylor Lautner! HAWT! Sorry skinny jeans! (Speaking of, I would have less trouble fitting into my skinny jeans if I didn't consider Caramel Apples my "daily serving of fruit." UN-HAWT!)
I did find it odd that there were Twilight birthday party supplies... I mean, vampires, birthday... Isn't that ironic, don'tcha thing? I like how in the pic, the cups contain something RED. Think they did that on purpose or was it a happy accident? Ugh. Kristen Stewart's gloomy mug on the big plates is enough to make me lose my appetite. Also, is this really Twilight's audience? I know teens are into it, but theme b-day parties like this are usually for little kids. Are little kids into Twilight? And if so, should we as a society be worried?

They slap Twilight on a lot of junk. I mean a coffee mug? Really? You know the only person who'd use that is the crazy cat lady in your office, who probably writes Twilight fanfic in her lonely, lonley spare time, of which she has plenty. She's probably over in her cube right now, sipping from her Twilight mug, writing fanfic about Edward becoming captivated by this gorgeous new, slightly older woman, who has recently moved to town and who happens to have the same name as said writer. Go check, I'll wait.

What'd I tell ya?

Anyway, I had a point. They slap Twilight on a effen lot of junk, but this...

Shudder! Scariest thing this Halloween!