Is Easter The New Christmas?

Happy Zombie Jesus Day, everyone!

I tell ya what, times have certainly changed from when I was a kid. It would seem that Easter has become Spring Christmas! I will admit, that Dylan got Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeequel (or however that imaginary word is spelled)... on DVD because I wasn't paying $25 for a freakin' Blu Ray of THAT... not to mention, for a kid! And he got a 3-month Runescape card, which was like $21. So that's pretty elaborate, compared to the sucktacular (speaking of made-up words) old school Easter candy I used to get: godawful jelly beans... nuthin' gourmet about those, they all tasted the same, like chewy sugar, except black, which tasted like Nazism; pecan logs, which thankfully seem to have gone extinct; and those vile Peeps that still linger... Peeps are actually the new Candy Corn. And of course, dyed hard boiled eggs... STILL don't see how that qualifies as ANY sort of treat. Although, they do make a fine addition to any sandwich I have discovered. Even so, are children suddenly sandwich gourmets? I can surely attest that mine is not. Also, I don't get how hiding said perishable edibles OUTSIDE in like bushes and shrubs makes you want to even touch one, much less ingest it! Maybe we should take to hiding all of our meals outdoors just for fun. "I found the mashed potatoes next to this raccoon's nest! Nom nom nom!"

Now, as I said, Dylan's Easter spoils are pretty elaborate to me, but I don't think it's as extreme as it would appear that other children's are. Conferring with people at work, it turns out some folks spend like $400 on Easter basket stuffers! They get REAL toys and BIKES and iPods and video games... and video game SYSTEMS! One lady said her sister gives her kids King's Island season passes! That's like $75 each! Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some lucky soul found this in their basket:
I spent less than $50 altogether, and the main reason I went this route is that Dylan NEVER eats candy. So after buying him candy every holiday, I finally realized it's a hollow gesture and just opted to spend the money on something he'd actually use. Originally, it was just going to be the Runescape card, but he'd wanted to see Alvin when it was in theaters and we never got around to it. Oh and I got him some boxers because the ones he currently has look TINY... oh and for those who haven't seen him in a while, he's officially bigger than ME now. Not taller, just... y'know, girthier. He has to wear grown up clothes now. Even I don't have to do that! I did get him a Reece's egg and some Robin's Eggs because you kind of have to get those. No jelly beans. We still have bags of those from when David and I went to the Jelly Belly factory last fall. I also passed on the chicken that poops out gum eggs... once again, how is that enticing? What's next, chocolate shaped like actual doo doo?! With gummy flies on it? GROSS! I'm stunned that isn't already a real thing. (Yes, I used the word "doo doo.")

Anyway, last night at work, in the mad dash to buy everything at the last possible second, some bitch got huffy with me because we didn't have jump ropes. Look, here's a news flash and please pass it on to all adults, particularly older ones... it's 2010 not 1950! Kids don't play with jump ropes, hula hoops, pogo sticks, marbles, jacks, tinker toys, Lincoln Logs, yo yos... I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but you get the gist. They also don't build wooden club houses for their He-Man Woman Haters Club where they put on vaudeville shows! Little Rascals reference. That made me happy at least. I'm sure I forgot something, but yeah. Try dialing it up to this CENTURY. Does anyone even know HOW to play marbles? I remember having them as a kid, but never had one inkling of what they were used for, other than the obvious, throwing them on the ground if you're being chased so that the pursuer slips and falls on them. With that funny woooop-wooop-wheeeee sound effect. Then you can smack them in the head with a frying pan. Or a rolling pin. You choose.

Ugh. Lincoln Logs along with Tinker Toys ARE actually available at Target... in that retro toy aisle that NO ONE even buys anything from, even though they do have some really neat replicas of old Fisher Price toys like that little wooden bee that you pull around or the little school house music player thingee... I think the only things that actually sell are the sock monkeys and Raggedy Ann dolls. One thing that gets picked up constantly are the Jack In A Boxes, but I don't think people actually buy them, they just pick them up, carry them around the store and discard them. Anyhoo, back to Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys... they're called LEGOS look into them. You build ANYTHING out of Legos. You know what you can build out of Lincoln Logs? Log cabins. THAT'S. IT. Tinker Toys are even worse. All you can build are... joints. And not the kind you smoke, either. But like, "Hey, look, I built two sticks, joined together by this socket. Oh look, now it's three sticks! Woooooo! Gettin' freaky!" Boo! Horrible toys!

Perhaps most appallingly, I once had a woman of the trash blanc persuasion who asked me if we had any toy guns that weren't Nerf guns. The question caught me completely off guard. I was dumbfounded. My initial reaction was to reply, "Why on Earth would you want to give your kid a toy gun? What the hell is wrong with you? Why not just give him a baby doll to shake and throw around while you're at it?" It really hadn't occurred to me until that moment just how times had changed, because they TOTALLY still made toy guns when I was a kid. But even so, it was such a subtle transition that I hadn't noticed it until just then. Oh well, that woman will learn her lesson when she has to go bail little Billy Bob out of jail next week.

One final note, speaking of changes, at Target there's one aisle that's always the "stocking stuffer" aisle, G30. It gets divided up into these little bins with all these seasonal toys, most of which are just like holiday themed versions of real toys, like for Easter, there are Easter Polly Pockets or Mini Barbies or Thomas the Train etc. toys. Someone said something to me about how some guy didn't want to refer to Good Friday as "Good Friday" but as something like "Spring Friday" or something. She didn't explain it very well, but I gather it has something to do with that whole separation between church and state thing, like why no one wants the 10 commandments posted in municipal buildings and such. But then I realized last night that NONE of these toys say Easter on them. It's like "Spring Polly Pocket" or "Spring Thomas the Train" even though they clearly have like Easter eggs or bunnies and other Easter-specific accessories or images on them... most of them actually come in egg-shaped packages!

So, I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I mean, obviously, I'm not Christian, but I still partake in the holidays because they're fun. Also, I generally get screwed out of holidays off work, so I'm taking advantage wherever I can. Like with Christmas, I just say it's a celebration of family and love and giving. You kinda can't get away from Christmas. Sorry, Jews. But with Easter... you can totally just ignore it, the way whites do Black History Month. It's not this all pervasive thing that you can't get away from. I'd totally ignore it, if I didn't have a kid. But are they trying to appeal to non-Christians, like "Hey Muslims, you can still buy this pastel Polly Pocket!" Or is it a PC thing like, "Sorry about the pastel Polly Pocket, Muslims. But, y'know she's just dressed for spring, not specifically Easter. Ignore the basket of eggs in her hand." Hmmmm?

Anyway... enjoy the dirty eggs your kids found lying all over the lawn!

Visions of Sugar Plums

Sigh. First, a few weeks ago, I went to put on my skinny jeans and... let's just say they were too skinny. Grrr. Second, I bought new underwear, from Aussie Bum, a brand I already own numerous pairs by, but when I put them on, "Oh, guess what, bitch? You ain't a size XS anymore!" And they were hella cute too! Here they are NOT modeled by me:

Rudolph:

Frosty:I realized a long time ago that no matter how cute the undies, they're never AS cute when I put them on as they looked on the model advertising them. Even so, how KEWT are these?! Normally, I am not on board with seasonal novelty drawers, but I HAD to make an exception this time, don't you agree?

Anyway, this blog is a tribute to delicious holiday treats. Whereas Halloween can be marred by a wide range of terrible candy, I really can only find two problems with Christmas candy:
Ribbon Candy. It's fine if you like stuff like Rock Candy, which I do not. This is JUST sugar. I like a bit more complexity.
And Cherry Cordials... Chocolate? Yum. Cherries? Yum. Together... yuck! I blame that gooey filling, which I think is just corn syrup or something like that. Chocolate and cherries alone would probably rock, but that extra sugary punch in the mouth spoils the fun.
'Twouldn't be Christmas without Candy Canes. I like peppermint, but I never really cared about these things. I especially disliked the giant foot-long candy canes. I don't understand oversized sweets in general, like the HUGE Hershey Kiss. Who wants that?! As everyone knows, treats are better the smaller they are. Therefore, cupcakes>regular cake. Snickers bite-sized>Snickers Fun-Sized>Full-Sized Snickers.

The one really fun thing to do with a Candy Cane, which also works with stick candies, the kind you can get from Cracker Barrel, is twirl them round and round in your mouth until the point is sharpened to a fine point and then poke someone with it. Tee hee, cheeky!
Preferable to hard Candy Canes and small Starlight Mints, are Soft Peppermints, available in balls and sticks. ... Nah, too easy. I like how the while powdery part dissolves before the red stripey part. I don't know why, but I do.

Mint lends itself so well to sweets... Like Candy Canes, it wouldn't be Christmas without...
Peppermint Bark! We sold out of the Ghirardelli brand in like two days! YUM!
I like anything chocolatey and minty! Including...
Starbucks' Chocolate Peppermint Mocha! I had one by chance yeeeeaaaaarrrs ago at TPCC and was hooked ever since. (Although now, apparently Fatty McFatFat needs to switch to the Low Fat, Sugar Free version.) Also, I tried the Peppermint WHITE Chocolate Mocha and it is equally nummy. I leave off the whipped cream though. It's sweet enough without.
New this year is the Caramel Brulee Latte, topped with caramelized sugar! (Once again, leave off the whipped... or don't depending on your palette.) Sadly, the Starbucks at Target ran out of the Caramel Brulee syrup and won't be getting it back in. Darn you seasonal deliciousness! But the Peppermint Mochas can be ordered year-round.
Speaking of seasonal flavors, years ago, I fell in love with Graeter's Cinnamon Ice Cream (made with cinnamon imported from Saigon! Really?!), available only in December. Fabulous on its own, but throw on some warm apple topping and caramel and get ready to die from pleasure! (So that's what was in the big machine in Barbarella. Anyone? Anyone?)

I did not like so much the Peppermint Candy ice cream, loaded with huge chunks of peppermint candies (i.e. Starlight Mints). Maybe if the chunks were smaller, it would be better, but eventually, I just started spitting the candy out and wound up with a pile big enough to fill a candy dish. NO ONE wants to eat that many mints! Just imagine, taking a candy dish full of Starlight Mints and just consuming them one by one! Completely unappealing, isn't it?

There are lots of yummy types of Christmas cookies, but strangely, as simple as they are, I will always love plain ol' Danish Butter Cookies in the blue metal tin:
I don't know why they even make different kinds. They all taste the same... yummy! Must be the "butter." I will also add, though not holiday related, the best Pepperidge Farm cookie is also the most simplistic, Chessmen. I love Mint Milanos and a bunch of their other types, but Chessmen as so simple yet so delightful! Big up to Chessmen!
My second favorite are Thumbprint Cookies. I made these a couple years ago, but they didn't look this pretty. Regardless, I love these! Grape or Strawberry are probably the best. Cherry would probably be good too. Apricot, eh.

Regular readers should realize I do like complex flavors, so it's no surprise that the idea of sweet mixed with salty is just heavenly to me. Best exemplified by...
Chocolate Covered Pretzels! Available by the rod (once again, too easy)...
or in twists. I think I like the twists better, in keeping with my smaller portions are better mentality. That one at the very top covered with pastel mints is, I promise you, the best tasting thing ever, although I have never had one. I mean just look at it! (I LOVE pastel mints! I think it's the butter, once again!)

As yummy as Chocolate Covered Pretzels are, and how popular they are, everyone balks when I mention...
Chocolate Covered Potato Chips! Trust me, they are great! They're better with just a bit of chocolate. I want the chocolate to chip ratio to be as equal as possible. Too often, I get them and it's basically a piece of chocolate with something crunchy in it. I could've just had a Nestle's Crunch if that's all I wanted. I want it all balanced, crunchy, sweet and salty. Mmmmmm!

Grrr... so much for fitting into my skinny jeans and cute undies.

Halloween Postscript

I don't know about you, but Halloween this year was kind of a bust. I didn't go to any parties. I didn't even dress up at any point. Also, we didn't get many trick-or-treaters. Only about 20! I still have half a tub full... and it's the good stuff, Milk Chocolate and Peanut M&Ms, Snickers, Milky Ways, Nerds and Skittles and I was even giving each kid two pieces. (David felt the need to sift through it, then when I asked what he was looking for, replied "Reese's cups." It's always the ONE thing I didn't get that people want. No pleasing.)

I'm going to add one more candy to my list of worsts: 3 Musketeers.
Does anyone like them? At my Target orientation, they had a basket of bite-sized candy bars and everyone was going after the same ones, Twix (my FAVE!), Snickers, Milky Ways... no one took the 3 Muskies, which reinforced my feeling that this is the worst of all the candy bars. It's just chocolate and nugat. Add caramel and it's a Milky Way. Add peanuts to a MW and it's a Snickers. I guess those two ingredients make all the difference. I'd rather eat a plain ol' Hershey bar than a 3 Muskie. Those just suck! They should stop making them.

Anyhoo, I went to Target orientation on Sunday and it was four hours consisting of three and a half hours of the exact same orientation I have ever had to sit through for any job, i.e. don't steal or sexually harrass anyone, with the addition of "unions are bad." Seriously, the anti-union video was longer than ANY of the other videos that, y'know, taught you how to do YOUR JOB. This appears to be quite the Monkey Job, which is fine. After having to jump through hoop after hoop at my last job, I could use the break. The one drawback is that, despite having shopped at that Target at least once a week for the past three years, people kept asking to help them find crap that I'd never buy, like light bulbs and electric heaters. I can tell you where the action figures and Jonas Brothers bedding is, but don't ask me for anything practical. I have no idea where that junk is! I'm just going to start telling people, "I'd help you, but you're buying boring stuff, so find it on your own." Not really, but you KNOW I'll be thinking it.

Sadly, turns out I won't get the one super perk I thought I'd get, first crack at new toys. It's againt policy to put things aside, buy anything from the back room, buy anything while I'm working, etc. (I can be on my break, however.) But it has to go on the shelves first so guests get first crack. Even so, I scored my first employee purchases last night:

Justice League Unlimited Blackhawk figure and...

Taylor Lautner paper plates, so I can actually EAT OFF OF Taylor Lautner! HAWT! Sorry skinny jeans! (Speaking of, I would have less trouble fitting into my skinny jeans if I didn't consider Caramel Apples my "daily serving of fruit." UN-HAWT!)
I did find it odd that there were Twilight birthday party supplies... I mean, vampires, birthday... Isn't that ironic, don'tcha thing? I like how in the pic, the cups contain something RED. Think they did that on purpose or was it a happy accident? Ugh. Kristen Stewart's gloomy mug on the big plates is enough to make me lose my appetite. Also, is this really Twilight's audience? I know teens are into it, but theme b-day parties like this are usually for little kids. Are little kids into Twilight? And if so, should we as a society be worried?

They slap Twilight on a lot of junk. I mean a coffee mug? Really? You know the only person who'd use that is the crazy cat lady in your office, who probably writes Twilight fanfic in her lonely, lonley spare time, of which she has plenty. She's probably over in her cube right now, sipping from her Twilight mug, writing fanfic about Edward becoming captivated by this gorgeous new, slightly older woman, who has recently moved to town and who happens to have the same name as said writer. Go check, I'll wait.

What'd I tell ya?

Anyway, I had a point. They slap Twilight on a effen lot of junk, but this...

TOO FAR!!! TOO FAR!!!

Shudder! Scariest thing this Halloween!

Halloween Memories Part 4: Since When Is Sugar A Vitamin?

I remember when you could buy General Mills' "Monster Cereals" year-'round. I love these guys! They are among my favorite advertising mascots of all time. ...um, am I the only one with "favorite advertising mascots?" Just wondering. They're the best! What I love about old advertising mascots is how un-kid friendly a lot of them were. Like Charlie Tuna from Starkist, who comes across like an animated reporter from 60 Minutes! I like The Monsters' droopy eyelids. It was the late 60s-early 70s, so everyone was stoned all the time. I'm sure the designers of these delightful characters just thought everyone in the world had droopy eyelids all the time. I have droopy eyelids and I am never stoned, although looking at every photograph of me my entire life seems to tell a completely different story.

See?

Apparently, you can still buy the Monster Cereals year-'round at Super Walmarts and a few other retailers, as well as on Amazon.com. Who would even think to buy groceries from Amazon? (Maybe someone stoned.) Also, did you know you could by cereal marshmallows without the cereal?! (Once again, targeting that free-spending stoner market.)


But around these parts, I only ever see them at Target around Halloween. And even then, I think there were several years where I never saw them at all, so I went nutso when I saw them and bought a box of Franken Berry and Boo Berry. (Terrible discovery, they turn your poop pink or blue... I didn't combine them, but possibly purple if you eat them both.)

I don't so much care for Count Chocula, simply because there are a million chocolate cereals, so his really isn't all that special.

I remember when I was little, they offered a cut-out mask on the back of the Monster boxes. I had Franken Berry and I was captivated by those... THINGS on his head. Like there's a little train whistle and a clock/pressure gage. I was also enamored of his strawberry fingernails. I truly wonder if old-timey designers intentionally made gay cartoon characters. I mean, Franken Berry, Snaggle Puss (Heavens to Mergatroid!), The Pink Panther, Peppermint Patty and Marcie, maybe Velma... I mean, they had to have been doing it on purpose. And all parents could do was grit their teeth and shake their heads.
I have all the Monster Wacky Wobblers. (All the McDonald Land characters, too.) We had a yardsale in Cathy's neighborhood recently and I was pulling out a lot of my collectibles that I kinda realized were never going to get displayed. I sold my bobble heads of Captain America, Thor and The Vision. For like two seconds, I considered selling my advertising mascots... then thought better of the idea and put them back under the unfinished basement stairs. Hey, they may not be displayed but their presence gives me a sense of happiness. (I'll never understand people that don't own "stuff." Like when people ask, "Say your house was on fire, what would you grab?" To which I have to reply, "Um, how many trips do a get and can I have a shopping cart?" I mean how do you choose? It's like choosing a favorite child. Do I save my Franken Berry bobble head or my Daily Planet tin toy? My set of vintage Rock Flowers or my 194os style Lois Lane maquet?)
Franken Berry and Count Chocula always got the lion's share of promotion. Poor third wheel Boo Berry, usually got ignored. They always showed his cereal box in the commercials, but he rarely ever appeared. He was like the Jan Brady of the bunch. Or the Aquaman.

Although, I can kinda see why. Look how cool Franken Berry looks, with his weird head attachments and strawberry fingernails. Even Count Chocula was snappily dressed, plus had that whole "vampires are cool" thing going for him. Poor Boo Berry just looked like a shapeless sad sack with a dopey hat and a bow tie.
Not that any of the monsters are exactly terrifying, but look at this poor slob? "Boo. Or, not. Whatever you wanna do is fine. No scream? Oh, okay. I'll just be over here in the corner." LEAST scary thing I've ever seen.

I don't know about you, but which cereal I ate as a kid was STRICTLY based on which cereal came with the best prize. And cereals used to come with AWESOME prizes, like iron on transfers, records... but I think the awesomest prize was stickers. It was the 70s and 80s and stickers were HUGE. I so wish I could buy this box of Boo Berry for the Marvel Super Heroes stickers... featuring Spider-Woman!

Stickers are the strangest collectible though. Unlike a toy, once you use a sticker, you're screwed because then it's gone forever. So even though I've purchased some stickers as collectibles, they stay in the package. That kinda ticked David off at one point. He was like, "Well, you got that package and it's just sitting there." And I'm like "Um, YEAH!" That's kinda how it works. Duh.


For many a year, I swore I once hallucinated a fourth Monster mascot... a werewolf.
I KNOW I saw it once at the same store where my grandmother bought me a McDonald Land Grimace doll. (Freakin' free Monster Playmates?! I want those!)
It was NOT this doll, as mine had its facial features stuck on like stickers. I know this, because Grimace is dark purple and our carpet when I was a kid was dark brown (yay '70s!), and my mom, when vacuuming did not see Grimace lying on the carpet and ran him over and sucked his facial features off.

Anyway, so at the same time I got Grimace, I remember seeing a fourth Monster cereal. My I also point out that I was about 3 years old at this point, so how odd is it that I recall all this in such detail when I can't remember the names of people I worked with like five years ago? Guess they aren't as important.

What was I saying before about being not scary? And also gayness? I didn't remember this werewolf's name, but turns out it was Fruit Brute. No, really. WHAT is up with those ugly ass striped overalls?! I mean, that's tacky even by Lawrence Welk standards! Apparently, Fruit Brute was fruit flavored cereal with LIME flavor marshmallows, which completely explains why it no longer exists in any form. Oddly, it lasted until 1983, but was apparently not well-distributed, which accounts for it's rareness today and the fact that very few even remember its existence.
My rediscovery of Fruit Brute was quite exciting, but when I mentioned it to other people, their response was "I remember a fruit mummy, but not a werewolf." A fruit... MUMMY? WHAT?! My b.s. detector went off... I mean, how could there have been yet a fifth Monster cereal that I, of all people, didn't know about?! Inconceivable! Yet, it was a story that was corroborated over and over. Turns out, from 1987-93, there was, in fact, another cereal, Fruity Yummy Mummy. This time, rather than lime, the marshmallows were vanilla flavored. That sounds better, but I'm not sure how I was completely unaware of it's existence. There were even commercials for it, and I certainly was still watching cartoons at this point. So I'm not sure how this one eluded me. (I may not have gotten it anyway, though, seeing as how it doesn't appear that it included a free prize.)


Got the Wacky Wobbler, though. Fruity cereal with vanilla marshmallows actually sounds pretty good. Also... blue (Boo) berries and straw (Franken) berries are fruits too, right? So what else were the Brute and Mummy bringing to the table? Apples? Cherries? Grape? Just curious.

Now, I want cereal.

Halloween Memories Part 2

This special Halloween-themed blog is dedicated to the one thing besides dressing up in costume that is synonymous with Halloween… CANDY!

Everyone loves a good Fun Sized Snickers or Smarties (a candy that I don’t think anyone eats except at Halloween). A Hershey’s Kiss might seem a tad pedestrian, but it’s certainly not like you’re NOT going to eat it. So that’s all well and good, but I’d rather discuss HORRBLE candy that we all got and always hated! Most horrible candy originates with those rotten bastards at the Brach’s Candy Company, the Lex Luthors behind that godawful bulk bin in every damn grocery store in the world, a.k.a. the Dump Bin of Wretch! I swear, there’s some tie between Brach’s and the Religious Right, some secret pact to destroy “The Devil’s Holiday.” Sounds like a Clive Owen-worthy suspense thriller.
First offense, the Tootsie Roll. I don’t hate the Tootsie Roll. I mean, it’s kiiiinda like chocolate… except chewy. The Tootsie Roll is like that kid in school who never did anything to anybody to make them dislike him, but… you still didn’t want to get paired with him on a project. (Oh crap, I think I’m talking about myself!)

And what's the deal with Fruit Chews? They're like Toostie Rolls, except gay. And disgusting.
Next, Butterscotch. Once again, not bad-tasting per se, but… insanely boring. And you’re officially a crazy old cat lady if you decide that’s what you’re giving to Trick-Or-Treaters. And Werther's Originals are barely a step up.

But Starlight Mints and Ice Blue Mints?! THAT’S NOT CANDY! Just give out Ricola Cough Drops if you’re gonna go that route! Absolutely unacceptable! The only thing less acceptable would be (and yes, I’ve seen this) old-ass ribbon candy from the previous Christmas! UNWRAPPED!!! NO THANKS, Nasty Train!!!

Let’s not forget these “treasures.” Neopolitan Coconut “Sundaes.” Sundae my ass. Last I checked you needed a little something called ice cream to make a sundae!

Milk Maid. I’m glad someone finally figured out how to RUIN CARAMEL!!!

And of course, Saltwater Taffy, otherwise known as what people bring you back from vacation when they HATE you.

Other than the atrocities perpetuated by those Brach’s sadists, the two biggest thrower-outers of H’ween candy are of course Peanut Butter Chews and Candy Corns and their mutant cousins the Candy Corn Pumpkins. I’m noticing a trend here. Basically, if it’s chewy and isn’t gum, it BLOWS. Write that down and remember it. This obviously doesn’t apply to anything in the Gummi category, such as delicious Gummi Life Savers.

Speaking of Life Savers, here’s a little surprise entry in this shame list. Life Savers Mini Rolls. They get a mention for two reasons, they were a bitch to open (seriously, foil AND wax paper?!) and they were ALWAYS stuck together. I have never, ever, EVER unwrapped a roll of these and had delicious Cherry pop out free and clear. Nope, you always had to take the whole roll and bite them off one by one. (And am I alone in Pineapple being my fave?)

Mary Janes, the hillbilly cousin of Peanut Butter Chews. Cute wrapper, though.

Necco Wafers, yum CHALK! And what about their bastard cousins, the Chocolate Necco Wafer. Blech!







This isn’t even candy, but how about Apples? No thanks, Snow White's Stepmom! Also, Cathy and I were discussing the Razor Blade Scare of the 80s. Remember that? Some psychos were hiding razors in candy (or at least there was a fear that they were… it may have been an urban legend) and we used to take our candy to have it X-Rayed! Remember that? Apparently, some are too young, but it was true! But yeah, keep your sorry apples to yourself.

But believe it or not, that’s not even the worst of the H’ween hand-outs. Oh no, that honor goes to delightful inedible garbage that condescending adults feel the need to hand out.

Toothbrushes, from that dentist in the neighborhood who got them all for free to begin with. “Because you’ll need to brush your teeth often after all that sugary candy.” Condescending and cheap!Pennies. My mom was guilty of this once, because she ran out of candy. I was mortified. Um, how about just turn off the porch light and shut the door? If I got this from someone, I’d secretly wish I were atop a skyscraper, so I could drop it on them and crush their skull. Not really. Maybe NOW I’d think that, but at that age, I’d probably just think, “Great. Glad I went through the effort to WALK up to this door, RING the doorbell, YELL Trick-Or-Treat… all for a penny! My time is more valuable than that, chump!”

Pencils… look, if you’re so against happiness and childhood, DON’T GIVE OUT ANYTHING!!! People that give out pencils are the same people that don’t own TVs and spend all their time “reading” (i.e. getting high) with the sole purpose of saying at a gathering “Oh, I don’t own a TV,” so they can sound superior. Guess what, hippie, you reek of patchouli and you’re wearing used SHOES. You’re not superior to this lanky stick o’ fabulous! Snap!

And, drumroll… I now present you with THE! WORST!! THING!!! TO GET ON HALLOWEEN EV-ER!!!!!
A Religious Tract! Because Jesus Freaks need to ruin EVERYTHING FUN IN THE WORLD!!! I might burn in hell, but poop's gonna be burning on your front porch in fifteen minutes, so I'd say we were even.