Friday, October 2, 2009

Halloween Memories Part 2

This special Halloween-themed blog is dedicated to the one thing besides dressing up in costume that is synonymous with Halloween… CANDY!

Everyone loves a good Fun Sized Snickers or Smarties (a candy that I don’t think anyone eats except at Halloween). A Hershey’s Kiss might seem a tad pedestrian, but it’s certainly not like you’re NOT going to eat it. So that’s all well and good, but I’d rather discuss HORRBLE candy that we all got and always hated! Most horrible candy originates with those rotten bastards at the Brach’s Candy Company, the Lex Luthors behind that godawful bulk bin in every damn grocery store in the world, a.k.a. the Dump Bin of Wretch! I swear, there’s some tie between Brach’s and the Religious Right, some secret pact to destroy “The Devil’s Holiday.” Sounds like a Clive Owen-worthy suspense thriller.
First offense, the Tootsie Roll. I don’t hate the Tootsie Roll. I mean, it’s kiiiinda like chocolate… except chewy. The Tootsie Roll is like that kid in school who never did anything to anybody to make them dislike him, but… you still didn’t want to get paired with him on a project. (Oh crap, I think I’m talking about myself!)

And what's the deal with Fruit Chews? They're like Toostie Rolls, except gay. And disgusting.
Next, Butterscotch. Once again, not bad-tasting per se, but… insanely boring. And you’re officially a crazy old cat lady if you decide that’s what you’re giving to Trick-Or-Treaters. And Werther's Originals are barely a step up.

But Starlight Mints and Ice Blue Mints?! THAT’S NOT CANDY! Just give out Ricola Cough Drops if you’re gonna go that route! Absolutely unacceptable! The only thing less acceptable would be (and yes, I’ve seen this) old-ass ribbon candy from the previous Christmas! UNWRAPPED!!! NO THANKS, Nasty Train!!!

Let’s not forget these “treasures.” Neopolitan Coconut “Sundaes.” Sundae my ass. Last I checked you needed a little something called ice cream to make a sundae!
Milk Maid. I’m glad someone finally figured out how to RUIN CARAMEL!!!

And of course, Saltwater Taffy, otherwise known as what people bring you back from vacation when they HATE you.

Other than the atrocities perpetuated by those Brach’s sadists, the two biggest thrower-outers of H’ween candy are of course Peanut Butter Chews and Candy Corns and their mutant cousins the Candy Corn Pumpkins. I’m noticing a trend here. Basically, if it’s chewy and isn’t gum, it BLOWS. Write that down and remember it. This obviously doesn’t apply to anything in the Gummi category, such as delicious Gummi Life Savers.

Speaking of Life Savers, here’s a little surprise entry in this shame list. Life Savers Mini Rolls. They get a mention for two reasons, they were a bitch to open (seriously, foil AND wax paper?!) and they were ALWAYS stuck together. I have never, ever, EVER unwrapped a roll of these and had delicious Cherry pop out free and clear. Nope, you always had to take the whole roll and bite them off one by one. (And am I alone in Pineapple being my fave?)
Mary Janes, the hillbilly cousin of Peanut Butter Chews. Cute wrapper, though.

Necco Wafers, yum CHALK! And what about their bastard cousins, the Chocolate Necco Wafer. Blech!

This isn’t even candy, but how about Apples? No thanks, Snow White's Stepmom! Also, Cathy and I were discussing the Razor Blade Scare of the 80s. Remember that? Some psychos were hiding razors in candy (or at least there was a fear that they were… it may have been an urban legend) and we used to take our candy to have it X-Rayed! Remember that? Apparently, some are too young, but it was true! But yeah, keep your sorry apples to yourself.

But believe it or not, that’s not even the worst of the H’ween hand-outs. Oh no, that honor goes to delightful inedible garbage that condescending adults feel the need to hand out.

Toothbrushes, from that dentist in the neighborhood who got them all for free to begin with. “Because you’ll need to brush your teeth often after all that sugary candy.” Condescending and cheap!Pennies. My mom was guilty of this once, because she ran out of candy. I was mortified. Um, how about just turn off the porch light and shut the door? If I got this from someone, I’d secretly wish I were atop a skyscraper, so I could drop it on them and crush their skull. Not really. Maybe NOW I’d think that, but at that age, I’d probably just think, “Great. Glad I went through the effort to WALK up to this door, RING the doorbell, YELL Trick-Or-Treat… all for a penny! My time is more valuable than that, chump!”

Pencils… look, if you’re so against happiness and childhood, DON’T GIVE OUT ANYTHING!!! People that give out pencils are the same people that don’t own TVs and spend all their time “reading” (i.e. getting high) with the sole purpose of saying at a gathering “Oh, I don’t own a TV,” so they can sound superior. Guess what, hippie, you reek of patchouli and you’re wearing used SHOES. You’re not superior to this lanky stick o’ fabulous! Snap!

And, drumroll… I now present you with THE! WORST!! THING!!! TO GET ON HALLOWEEN EV-ER!!!!!
A Religious Tract! Because Jesus Freaks need to ruin EVERYTHING FUN IN THE WORLD!!! I might burn in hell, but poop's gonna be burning on your front porch in fifteen minutes, so I'd say we were even.

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