Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Halloween Memories Part 3: Zombiepocalypse!

So, confession. I don't like "Thriller." Not even the video. It's not especially scary... except for the lead lady's leggings and jheri curl. But upon it's debut, it became the unofficial "Halloween Carol" and I, in general, have a great distaste for "Carols" of any holiday variety. First of all, in terms of simple song quality, "Thriller" is no "Billie Jean." In fact, "Thriller" is no "Somebody's Watching Me" and MJ only sang the hook to that song. I was delighted last year, when Rihanna put out the vastly superior "Disturbia" which I'd hoped would bump "Thriller" and become the next great Halloween Carol but then... well, we all know what happened.

Somehow, I can't help but wonder if MJ did it on purpose, just to prevent "Disturbia" from overtaking "Thriller." He would, that asshole. So definitely looks like I won't be NOT hearing "Thriller" this Halloween.
So the real reason I called you here today, zombies. I just woke up from a night's sleep filled with nothing but dreams about zombies. Seriously! That's all I dreampt of last night! I'm not even sure why. I haven't seen Zombieland yet. I haven't been watching or reading anything pertaining to zombies. And yet, EVERY. SINGLE. DREAM. Cathy had the same experience the other night but she has an excuse. She has both seen Zombieland and was in the process of devouring volumes one thru nine of The Walking Dead. (More on that in a bit.) I suppose, I have been discussing The Walking Dead with her, but that's about it. Also, a bit frightening, and feel free to consider me full of shit, but when I was younger I used to have those weird precognitive dreams that would actually come true. Like I said, I was a lot younger (like 12) but it really happened.

I probably have spent in inordinant amount of time musing about the possibility of a zombie infestation and the proper course of action to be taken in such a case. In fact, I am fairly certain that I am most prepared for a zombie infestation out of all the monster-invasion scenarios. I certainly wouldn't be prepared for Frankenstein's Monster, seeing as how I own, neither a torch nor a pitchfork. Nor know enough people to form an angry mob. Back to zombies, however, unfortunately, in my secret identity, I am a pacifist and do not own nor know how to operate firearms, nor do I believe that private individuals should own or know how to operate firearms. Take that, right-wing, militia, gun-nuts! However, should a zombie infestation occur, cruel irony will once again grace my life, as the closest approximation to a firearm I will be able to locate nearby will be an aluminum baseball bat and, once again, ironically, I could probably adapt to a gun quicker than I could to a piece of sporting equipment.

I'm not even of that calibre of dork that I own movie replica weapons. I don't even have a samurai sword or pair of nunchuks lying around! Not even a lightsabre! And somehow I doubt cutting that tube of cardboard in the center of a toilet paper roll lengthwise so that I fits around my wrists, a la Wonder Woman's deflective bracelets (speaking from experience), will help much. (Then again, it certainly couldn't hurt.)

I don't normally like "scary" movies. And I ABSOLUTELY don't like the Scary Movies. Somebody put In Living Color back on TV so the Wayans brothers will stop cranking out these terrible "parodies." Anyway, though I may not be lining up for Saw 9: The Sawiest!, I will go see a zombie movie with the minimalest of coaxing. I don't know why that is, but I love zombie movies and the thought of "what would I do if this really happened?" I think it might be the notion that in this apocalyptic scenario, I could actually survive due to my wits. I mean, I can't outsmart a bomb, earthquake or deranged chainsaw killer. But zombies? They're really dumb! Like people that enjoy the Transformers movies! (Or the Scary Movies!) I relish the thought of taking one of their heads off and delivering my quippy one-liner "Check your brain at the door!" ZING!!! BURN!!!

While I used to buy into that whole Day of the Dead scenario of setting up shop in the local mall... I mean, refuge from the undead AND Orange Julius?! DONE! However, from reading The Walking Dead, I think it makes more sense to vacate highly populated metropolitan areas (now populated by the brain-jonesing undead), for the idylic country life. That would, of course, be the ONLY reason I'd ever want to vacate the city for the country. (Where the hell is the nearest Target?!) But... it's one helluva reason.

I love The Walking Dead. I had heard it was good, so I picked up the first two volumes at Borders one day. I read them straight through and drove back to Borders to get the rest, but they had every volume EXCEPT three! So I drove all the way to Barnes & Nobel in Kenwood to get that. It's a definite page-turner. Reading the first two, I was getting annoyed because there were like 20-something characters! Plus, it's in black & white, so there isn't even the luxery of using color to differentiate them all. I thought, "Why are there so many freakin' characters?" and then realized, "Oh, right... zombies." When I gave them to Cathy to read, I made sure to offer the caveat, "Don't get attached to ANY of the characters." (Spoiler: They pretty much all die!) It isn't the best-written graphic novel, but sometimes things don't have to be great to be addicting.

One recurring theme is the cast settling into a particular home base and someone saying "Why can't we just stay here? We could have a normal life here!" and then something happening to screw that all to hell. But the idea of finding like a farm and fencing it off and growing produce and delicious un-zombiefied animals to eat... that would totally work! And here's another tip... do NOT offer up your base of refuge to other humans. Humans SUCK! They will just come in, eat your un-zombiefied food, rape your women and children and somehow your once-safe haven will be overrun with zombies. Never fails.

So speaking of things not having to be great to be entertaining (and sucking, for that matter), how about that new fall TV season?
I am totally hooked on Stefan's Creek... I mean The Vampire Diaries. I haven't read the books. I didn't even know there were books. But I know a lot of people are turned off because Twilight so desperately sucks and everyone thinks this is the TV version of that, but it's not. It's just what I called it, Stefan's Creek. Straight up, CW teen soap opera... with some blood sucking thrown in. I mean, if you like ANY teen soap operas, you'll like this one. And unlike Twilight, the underlying theme isn't "Girls, it doesn't matter if he bruises the shit out of you! He's totally dreamy! That's worth the pain, right?"
And another show that has me hooked, Eastwick. So cheesy, but still addictive! It's one part Charmed, one part Desperate Housewives (season one only)... all cheesy, prime time soap opera goodness. Plus, Matt Dallas is in it and is shirtless like 90% of the time.
Gah! I hate Rebecca Romijn! Not only does she get to be married to Jerry O'Connel in real life, but she gets to go to work and make out with sexy, shirtless Matt Dallas and get paid for it?! My career counseller and I need to have words. I very clearly put down on my career aptitude test that I would be more than willing to make out with Matt Dallas as frequently and for as long as necessary! For FREE! Consider it an internship!
(Gratuitous second pic... just cuz!)

My favorite character though is the mousey reporter. My least favorite is the abused wife, just because I'm kinda sick of abused wives on TV shows. (Dexter.) Just kill off the abusive husband, already! We already know it's coming!

Last note for this blog... as Mean Girls pointed out, Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress like total sluts and get away with it. The idea of "sexy" versions of things that aren't normally sexy has gotten way out of hand, as evidenced by...
Sexy Freddie Krueger. That makes complete and total sense. Wait, WHAT?!?! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Why not a sexy John Wayne Gacey clown costume? SO stupid!

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