Monday, November 16, 2009

America Loses Right To Refer To "American Football" As "Football!"

(Not really.) This blog could be subtitled "Australia Is The New Sweden," for those of you that recall my old Myspace blog about my love for that crazy Scandinavian country responsible for Swedish Meatballs, Swedish Fish, Ikea, awesome synth pop and Pippi Longstocking. Now it's those wacky, upside down, digeridoo-playing cobbers who have gotten themselves all in a lather over a certain pop trainwreck we like to call Britney Spears. Apparently, people were walking out of her "concert" in droves because they realized she was lipsynching. How sad is it, as a society, that we American's responded nonchalantly, "It's Britney Spears. That's all she does." Quick aside...
SOMEONE really needs to pull this girl aside and say, "Look, you know when you look in the mirror and see yourself? That's NOT what the rest of us see." Bitch has more muffin tops than Panera Bread! It's called a SHIRT! Try wearing one! It's been a long-ass time since "I'm A Slave 4 U!"
We must forgive the Australians for (gasp!) actually expecing singers to sing, seeing as how they are used to a higher caliber of pop diva.
Anyway, as for the title of this post, as we all know, (most of) the rest of the world refers to soccer as "football." Americans just made up a completely different game and stole the name. Kinda like how we just randomly made up our system of measurement. Seriously, it's like *I* came up with that!
I recently discovered, however, that what Australians call "football" is neither soccer nor American football, but rather RUGBY. I discovered this by way of something called the "Gods of Football."
Ahem, yes, let me compose myself. The uh... hee hee... Gods of Football is an annual calendar featuring the stars... wooo, is it hot in here?!... of their Rugby League and Australian League Football... NAKED!!! It benefits breast cancer, so all I have to say is suck that, Tide in a pink jug! How many naked footballers do I get to see during that walk-a-thon? None? Awwwww, I'm busy that day. Darn it all!

This is my favorite, Kayne Lawton:
Those eyes are drool-tastic! He doesn't even have to get naked... wait, what am I saying?!
So SORRY, America! You had a good run with the name "football." You too, Soccer. But clearly, Australia is more focused in using "football" to its fullest extent, so hand over the moniker. I'm sure you'll come up with suitible replacement names. How about, "That thing you do after tail-gating?" Seriously, until I get to see Carson Palmer's ass, you've lost the rights to the name. Shoulda thought about all that first! That's what you get for poor planning. So anyway, I have a flight to Australia to catch!
(Once again, not really!)


  1. I didn't know thighs like that really existed.

  2. Apparently, they do down undah, mate!