Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"She Wolf" Is The New "Tardy For The Party!"

I know The Real Housewives of Atlanta is over and they've moved on to Orange Count... zzzzzzzzzzz... oh sorry, fell asleep typing that. Lame. How could anyone compete with Nene, Kim (or as Nene pronounces it, "Keeyum") and Sheree? (Oh and those other two, less bitchy ones.) But, even though the season's over, we still have God's gift to terrible-yet-undeniably-catchy music, the masterpiece of crap known as "Tardy For The Party." Dammit, Bravo... I swear, they used every opportunity to stick that song in the background of every promo, ad, whatever they aired. I think they aired Schindler's List one night and snuck it into the background a couple of times. (Not really.) And that's all it took... just one snippet of "Don-don't be tardy for the party..." and it was stuck in your head for DAYS! I considered trephining.

Sadly, I can't find Keeyum's tone deaf caterwauling performance from the Reunion Show on Youtube. I still have it on my DVR though, so I can enjoy it over and over until my spleen pops! I haven't cackled that hard at something on TV since the David Bowie episode of Flight of the Conchords! The best I could find were a "video" with the studio version and a short clip from some entertainment... show? Something I've never heard of. It gives you a sampling of the entire wretched performance, but it doesn't come close to the real deal.

At least now we know who Heidi Montague's real mother is. They should do a skanktacular duet!

I probably should have posted this next bit before Halloween, because it's kind of fitting, but the new "Tardy For The Party" is definitely Shakira's "She Wolf" (or en espanol, "Loba"). First off... she yodels. I mean, Britney might lipsynch, but... she can't really sing, so at least the recording is in tune... and she isn't yodelling!

But besides the rotten vocals, the LYRICS are the WORST I have ever heard... EVER!
"A domesticated girl that's all you ask of me
Darling, it is no joke. This is lycanthropy."

LYCANTHROPY?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! That has to be the first usage of that word in a song ever! I mean EV-ER! I'm kind of impressed, actually.

But the real cake comes with: "I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office." REALLY?!?! THAT is the best simile you could come up with for "abused?" A coffee machine in an office?! I hope that when she yodels this song in concert she takes a Mr. Coffee and smashes it on the ground! That would be amusing. And draw attention to her clever bon mot.

I first heard this song on SNL. I hate how they make you sit through the first crap song by the musical guest to get to Weekend Update which is the only reason to even watch the show in the first place. Speaking of horrible infectious music, this past week, I sat through the goddamn Black Eyed Peas only to find the Weekend Update basically sucked! I sat through the BLACK! EYED!! PEAS!!! and all I got was a mediocre Weekend Update?! REALLY?! (Burn!)

Anyhoo, so I saw "She Wolf" on SNL and was impressed with the crappiness. First of all, I love that she had two live violinists... but no DRUMMER! But the real gold in the entire song is that hilariously stupid wolf howl! "There's a she wolf in the closet, open up and set her free... AWOOOOOOOOO!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Best HORRIBLE song ever! It's like a black velvet painting of a warrior woman, riding a dolphin, jumping out of the water, in front of a sunset, whilst battling a dragon and a pegasus unicorn... with a dream catcher ghosted in the dusk sky above them... and the words "Wazzzzzuuuuuuuppppp!" underneath... and it's all inside a thought bubble of a sad clown with a tear trickling down his grease-painted face!


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