Monday, November 30, 2009

Post Thanksgiving Reflections PLUS How To Dance Like Leighton Meester!

This is a tad late, but... I suppose first of all, I'm not sure how often I should update my blog, seeing as how I am not a celebrity and therefore don't have a lot going on in my life. I mean, does anyone want to know what I'm doing every single day? I don't even want to know that. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and ask someone to wake me up when something interesting happens. Not that I don't LIKE my life, it's just that it's fairly ordinary.

As for work, I was speaking with a stranger the other day and they said something like, "Do you have any education?" Ouch. Then when they found out that I have an English degree, they incredulously asked, "Can't you teach? You should look into that. That's better than working at Target. It would pay a lot more." To which I superiorly chortled, "Oh ha ha, I don't have to support myself. And I hate kids and especially teenagers. So yeah, I'll stick to straightening stuff on shelves for 5 hours a day 4 days a week. Plus, that gives me time to keep up with what the cast of Twilight does in their spare time." (Answer: Sulk.) Okay, I didn't really say all that, but that was the gist. Why does everyone act like working at Target is some punishment? I mean, everyone loves Target! I was there like five days a week anyway, I just figured out a way to get paid for it, rather than put up with dirty brats and snotty punks. Looks like I'm the one with the keys to the kingdom, sir. Ha! And at least I have a job. Not everyone is so fortunate these days. AND it's across the street from my house. I don't even have to commute. So take your teaching suggestion and shove it up your ass.

Since last week was Thanksgiving, I was thinking about things to be grateful for, for a change, since I spend so much of my time bitching about things I hate. I'm pretty grateful for everything. Even rotten stuff, because you can learn from it. Like I said, at least I have a job... and not to keep harping on it, I can NOT believe how much shit I put up with from Palomino all that time. Jesus! That job SUUUUUUUUCKED! Possibly the worst one I've ever had! I can't believe I put up with it for so long! UGH!

Anyhoo, I'm pretty sure this is the real reason anyone reads this blog, me talking smack about celebs. This is kind of a follow up to the Shakira post last week. Perez Hilton posted this video of Leighton Meester performing "Somebody To Love" on MTV. I love this song, but the performance is awesome... -ly bad! Ha ha!
Okay, although I like the song, I must take issue with the opening lines, "Paris, France to Michigan. London Town and through Berlin. I can't believe this place I'm in. Everywhere and back again." Ahem. Allow me to illustrate:
"Paris, France...
"to Michigan...
"London Town...
"and through Berlin..."
Did you catch which of these isn't like the others? Let's try it again...
"Paris, France...
"London Town...
"and through Berlin..."

MICHIGAN?! Ew! Leighton is just the latest teen idol who has been given a record contract despite having no actual music ability. Thank heavens for Auto Tune, I suppose. Her vocals certainly aren't "Tardy For The Party" bad. They're not even Heidi Montague bad. They're perfectly serviceable. If she were at karaoke, I'd clap. But that does not warrant a record contract.

BUT, lack of singing ability never stopped anyone before. In fact, I tend to find the best technical singers to be the worst entertainers... ahem, Celine. Cough, Mariah. But look at J. Lo. Not the best voice, but decent enough and when she isn't falling on her ass, a decent entertainer. But J. Lo can dance... Leighton, not so much.

She's kinda doing what little girls (and me) do in their bedrooms when listening to music, so now I present to you, How To Dance Like Leighton Meester:

Step 1. Walk back and forth (slowly... that indicates that you are sexy)
Step 2. Shimmy your shoulders
Step 3. Point everytime the word "you" appears in a song
Step 4. Touch your chest everytime "me" or "I" appears
Step 5. When not saying "you," "me" or "I" hold your hand up and pivot your wrist (slowly) as if saying "this and that" without really saying it. (I know, who knew choreography was so complicated?!)
Step 6. Bob your hips up and down
Step 7. Every couple of lines, shift your weight from one leg to the other.

Ta dah! Now you can dance like a real professional singer!

I also love that when she says "Wait!" she does the "Stop In The Name Of Love"/"Talk To The Hand" gesture (slowly). Then, look out, because then the chorus kicks in and... booty sway, booty sway, step right, right, left, left. Whoo! Working up a sweat! Then in the second verse, you can tell she's really feeling it because then she crouches down. Slowly. Then back up. Then more walking. Then second chorus, same as the first. Then bridge, "Turn around..." (which she doesn't) "Strike a pose..." (which she... kinda does... kinda...) Then suddenly, the song speeds up, yet she doesn't. I'm fairly certain, I worked up more of a sweat typing all this than she did in that entire performance. I probably used more muscles, too. What a work out! I need to go replenish my fluids.

I was talking about coffee, thank you! Smart ass!


  1. Hey, Jason! I say update your blog as often as you feel like it -- and then go check out mine!

  2. Thanks for checking mine out, Jason! Also, I just have to say, the illustration here of France, Michigan, London and Berlin has actually made me laugh out loud :)