Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Funny Valentine Part 2

I will go on record saying that I am a huge Lois Lane fan. She's probably THE single most famous supporting character in comics, narrowly edging out Commissioner Gordon. Created in 1938, four years before America entered World War II, she was a driven, ambitious, independent career woman, who let nothing stand in her way. I like to think that even without Superman, Lois would have extricated herself from those ridiculous predicaments in which she so often found herself. Superman just expedited matters.

And then, the war ended, the boys came home and the women, who'd stepped up to work in the factories and farms and such, retired to tend to their husbands and babies, at which point Lois went from being a tough ace news woman, to the comic book equivalent of Lucy Ricardo.Ha ha, her muffins are so hard, they even hurt Superman's indestructible foot! Wah waaaaaaah! Oh Lois, you suck! No longer was her life's ambition to be the world's greatest reporter, but she was hell-bent on becoming Superman's wife. (That, and proving that Clark Kent and Superman were the same person, a goal that Superman seemed to take a sadistic glee in confounding.)Lois' plan to become Mrs. Man was complicated by the arrival of Lana Lang, Clark Kent's neighbor from Smallville and his old sweetheart from when he was Superboy.It's one thing to have a romantic rival, but these two took this to absurd comic book levels.In this tale, Lana sent Lois to the Phantom Zone, the limbo dimension reserved for Kryptonian super villains!Once free, Lois tried to eliminate Lana as the competition by GOING BACK IN TIME to break Lana and Superboy up as teens! Do they sell time bubbles in Metropolis in lots, like used cars? She also appears to have gone back in time to when fur wasn't murder. Grrr. Makes my drawing a mustache on that bitch's picture or egging her house seem trivial, in hindsight.Through it all, Superman himself never seems to mind these shenanigans. And why would he?! He's got Miss Sophisticated Big City Career Woman duking it out with Miss Wholesome Farm Gal Next Door! I mean, what more can a Super Ego want?

Of course, Superman wasn't the only one reveling in adoration of two women. Archie Andrews pioneered the hell out of this scenario.Nope, no one complaining there. Bom-chicka-wow-wow! Well, no one except Archie's gay best friend, Jughead.You tell 'em, girlfriend! Snap-snap-snap in Z formation! Who needs them bitches?
Fighting over Superman, I can comprehend, even if, at the time, it was more like the old man George Reeves Supes, rather than the later, sexier Christopher Reeve and/or Brandon Routh and/or Tom Welling version. But, Archie was some doofus firecrotch with buck teeth! What was the appeal?! Not as big an asshole as Reggie, not gay like Jughead, not a child like Dilton, not dumb like Moose? THAT'S what made him the guy every girl wanted? Note to any guys unlucky in love, MOVE TO RIVERDALE! Not just that, but you'll never age, either!

Speaking of Jughead and his blazing homosexuality... HOLY CLOSET CASE, BATMAN!
What the...?!Sigh... the jokes really write themselves.Of course, Jean Loring, Iris West and Carol Ferris are the girlfriends of The Atom, The Flash and Green Lantern respectively... Robin is... uhhhhhh....Oh for...COME ON!!!It's raining men... HALLELUJAH!

So, in the 50s, comics in general came under attack and for whatever crazy reason, one of the charges was that Batman and Robin were a gay couple. Not sure where they would have gotten that impression.
But anyway, to dispel that rumor, DC introduced Batbeard... er, Batwoman and Bat-Girl! Female counterparts for Batman and Robin.Both ladies carried purses loaded with crimefighting tools like a hairnet that expanded into a capture net, lipstick that doubled as a knock out gas pellet and a powder compact that could be used as a fingerprinting kit. Scoff if you will, but have you been in the girl's toy department lately? Not a toy doctor or lawyer kit in sight, but plenty of ironing boards and cash registers galore!The whole charade... er, ploy... er, distraction... er, whatever... the plan to pair them off with female counterparts would probably have worked better if B&R hadn't reacted with such utter disgust every time the ladies got frisky.Rock Hudson and Doris Day had steamier kisses than this! Oh poor, poor Batwoman... you'd think all that time in the high school drama club would have prepared her for this.Small wonder that the modern version of Batwoman is a lesbian. Speaking of, this picture is completely gratuitous:It looks like every so often, Superman got bored with Lois and Lana and had a little "fun with the boys" as well.Oh don't look so uninitiated, Supes. You've been down this road before...Oh my... what goes on in small towns!

So yeah, that's my tribute to comic book romance... they all suck. It's a wonder I've been able to maintain anything resembling a normal relationship with such shoddy role models. I would explain that time I sent that whore Tiffany into the Phantom Zone though...

1 comment:

  1. These were two of my all-time favorite blogs!