Hey! Remember Me?

I found this article stating that Jennifer Lopez and her record company, Sony, had "parted ways." (I.e. Get lost, bitch!) It claims that it was a "mutual decision." Uh huh. You may or may not be aware of this, but she's actually released two "come back" singles since last fall, "Fresh Out The Oven":


Followed by "Louboutins.":


(You lipsynch the shit outta that, gurrrl!) Okay, so first of all, J-Lo has been gone "from the block" for a long ass time. What was her last hit? One of those (numerous) collaborations with Ja Rule? (Coincidentally, probably also his last hit.) So, really, she and Sony needed to buckle down and really work to make this comeback a success, but "Fresh Out The Oven" is straight out the BORING and I had no idea what "Louboutins" even were or how to pronounce it... Oh trust me, I figured it out after she said it a trillion times in the song. Gah! That is one of the most annoying songs ever... and that includes "Thong Song!"

Okay now dig this, not just are these two singles pretty weak, she (or they) didn't release them as being BY "Jennifer Lopez" or even "J-Lo!" They were released by... "LoLa!" LoLa?! You already had one nickname! And nicknames are fine (e.g. Mimi, Sasha Fierce... also am I the only one who can only say "Sasha Fierce" in a whisper?) but you DON'T GIVE THEM CREDIT ON YOUR COMEBACK SINGLE!!! Seriously, THIS is the artwork:
Strike two: It's a closeup of her LIPS! Girl, you're one of the most gorgeous and famous women in the world! Put your WHOLE face on that! Or better yet, that AZZ!

Anyway, I can't hate on Jenny too hard. After all, we share a common "greatest hit." (Waiting for tonight... oh oooh oh!) The article also mentions: “Sony Music execs aren’t sure who her audience is anymore. Where once she had little girls, she’s been supplanted by Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna.” Look asshole, just because I play with dolls and like cute boys doesn't give you the right... Oh, you were talking about real little girls? Nurhmind.

It got me thinking, though, why do pop stars just fall off? Is there really only so much room in our collective consciences to like so much pop music and do we really only care about the latest and greatest? I really wondered that with Janet Jackson. Once upon a time, she was second only to Madonna as the biggest pop star in the world. Now it's like nothing she does manages to generate ANY attention. Her last few albums and singles have all tanked. And a lot of them aren't bad! Check out her most recent, "Make Me":

See? Not bad! Maybe it sounded too much like her old stuff? My friend Tee thinks people still haven't forgiven her for flashing her tittay at the Super Bowl, but I mean... if he hadn't brought that up, I'd have forgotten all about it, and I can't imagine America with its short attention span still holds a grudge over that. Besides, don't act like you don't like looking at tittayz! There's a Hooters down the street from my house, right by a Buffalo Wild Wings and Buffalo Wings & Rings and Hooters doesn't hold a buffalo candle to either one of those, so there's some reason people still go there! (Two, actually.)

And it's not just long-time artists. Britney's "comeback" two years ago mirrored Madonna's recent successes. One comeback single ("Womanizer"), followed by another hit ("Circus") followed by flop, flop, flop. Shakira's latest album almost didn't get released. (Maybe the public got over its acceptance of yodeling on pop songs.) Timbaland has released FOUR singles in the past couple months, none of which has done squat, so they keep pushing his next album back as well. And in the past month(ish) they've fired three Pussycat Dolls!

Okay, quick aside, have you seen that shitwreck "We Are The World" remake? Oh my gawd, so damn bad! HOW the hell did that lead Pussycat get such a big part! (Guess Lionel Ritchie likes Billie Joes.) But I mean, we all know how MJ felt about pussy... cats. Justin Bieber kicking things off makes sense (OH YES I DID!!!), but not Pussy #1. I imagine MJ's ghost popping up shrieking in that high-pitched voice, "What the hell ya'll doing? Get my dead ass out of this mess!"

And I wanted to mention something else. A couple years ago, I went APE SHIT over Mika. (Most of you will certainly recall this, as I started every conversation for like six months with, "Did you buy the Mika album YET?!") I mean I was over the moon for that album. He put out a new album a few months ago and... I mean, I totally bought it and listened to it. Every time he puts out a new single, I put it in my "Current" iMix, but... it's just not doing it for me, for whatever reason. Maybe I was so enchanted by Mika because he was NEW, but now, not only isn't he, but his sound has been... er, homaged by others, like Sliimy. I can't explain it. I mean, it's not like I don't still love Mika, but I'm just not jumping up and down like I was before. So maybe we all just DO move on constantly to the newest and shiniest thing to come along. Or like, in the case of Ke$ha, newest and filthiest. "Got any druuuuuuugs?" PS, shoes with no socks, equals STANK feet. But then, who'd notice over the other assorted reek that I assume she exudes? (This is progress?)

Cute Overrides Evil

I don't know if I'd call it a pet peeve exactly, but why am I the only one who recalls that Tinker Bell is actually kind of a villain? I mean, there's all this merchandising and she's this beloved icon, starring in her own line of movies (and dolls, and costumes, and makeup, and clothing, and...) and I saw part of the first movie and THAT'S NOT THE SAME CHARACTER! She's all sweet and hard-working and loyal... in Peter Pan, she was a rotten mean little bitch, who tried to get the Lost Boys to shoot Wendy out of the sky with arrows and teamed up with Captain Hook, which almost got Peter poisoned!

Not that Peter was without his faults. He was one of my favorites growing up, but I think that was just because he was basically the only Disney boy (not counting those lame-ass princes)... keep in mind, this was before Aladdin and Hercules and the rest. Now when I watch, he's like this gleefully ignorant brat. Sigh. Rose colored glasses.

Also, I was so annoyed when I was IN Peter Pan when I was a kid and found out that in the play, Tinker Bell wasn't an actual character, just a little beam of light who "spoke" via jingling bells. Now don't ask me how I thought an actual performer was supposed to be like six inches tall and flit around the stage, but I guess I did. Also, am I the only one who hates seeing Peter Pan as a play and him being played by old women? Not just him, I think Michael and John were also women in the most recent version I saw. I can suspend disbelief a certain extent, but for whatever reason, that's a sticking point for me. You wouldn't put on Annie with grown MEN playing the orphans would you? (Oh, that would be AWESOME!)
But I mean, I guess everyone can be forgiven, since Tinker Bell was rumored to be Walt Disney's favorite creation.... well, you know what I mean. This version of her. He spent more time and money developing her appearance than any other character. Urban legend has it, Marilyn Monroe was an inspiration, but I think that's just a rumor. And she is cute as all hell! So money and time well-spent. He used her as the mascot to his TV series, The Wonderful World of Disney, which I remember watching every Sunday evening as a child. It's one of those bitter-sweet memories-- I enjoyed the show, but knew that Sunday night was the most depressing night of the week, because it meant the weekend was over.

Like I said, she's now a headliner in her own right, starring in a series of direct-to-DVD movies. In the latest, she adopts this UBER-KEWT autumn look:
Just as I collect black dolls, Cathy collects redheads, so I got her the doll of Tinker Bell's redhead friend Rosetta.

(L-R, Fawn, Silvermist, Tinker Bell, Iridessa and Rosetta.)

I think Rosetta and Silvermist are the most popular, because the doll I got Cathy was from a collection which ONLY included those three. They rolled out a new assortment after Christmas with all the characters, including Iridessa whom I snatched up. They're so cute! I was vaguely annoyed though that most of them are wearing pretty dresses, but Iridessa is wearing a pantsuit. Pantsuit=Frumpy, note to Hilary Rodham Clinton. AND the jacket part of the suit has a sunflower seed as a clasp. None of the other girls has an unsightly "decoration" on their outfit. Ah well... even though this assortment had Iridessa and the other less-popular character Fawn, they only had one apiece, whereas there were at least two of the more popular girls.

I only bought Iridessa and fairly quickly, the rest sold out, except one Rosetta that I think is still there today. So then, the other day, I went in to buy some 75% off Valentine's stuff and they'd restocked the Tinker Bell dolls. I'd always wanted to get Tink herself, but she'd sold out too quickly, so I grabbed her. (C'mon! She has an adorable leaf should wrap!) I'd also wanted Rosetta, because she's one of the cutest ones, so I grabbed her too. Then I grabbed Fawn, because she's so rare, so if I didn't get her then, I'd probably never be able to! (I think she's the requisite "tom boy," judging by her freckles, because freckles = tom boy, which may be why she isn't as popular.) That only left Silvermist, who isn't as cute as Rosetta or Tinkerbell or as rare as Fawn or Iridessa... but I didn't want to have an entire set except for one! I though, well, I could get her later. But what difference does it make if I spent $10 then or two days later? NONE!
So $40 later, I have a complete set of Tinker Bell dolls! Well, not complete-complete, just this assortment-complete. I'm not going back and buying the older ones. I collect enough junk, thanks! This was kind of just an impulse buy. Now if they come out with another assortment, which they will, we'll see if I take the bait then. (Let's start placing bets now.)
I haven't even opened them, and I may not. I used to think it was stupid to buy toys and not open them, but I can't really think of what enjoyment I might get from opening them. I'm not really going to play with them. I just bought them because they're pretty... it's exactly like buying art, people! By keeping them in their packages, it retains their perfection... no matter how well you take care of collectibles, they still get a little bit of wear and tear just being out. In the case of action figures or statues or other "hard" items, it isn't that bad, but with dolls... their hair can get all messed up, and dust gets into their hair and the fibers of their clothing... and once dolls hair gets jacked, the doll is just over! It's better not to expose them to that. Trust me, I've lost PLENTY of dolls due to such unfortunate events. In fact, I had a WHOLE bunch in an open plastic container, and David was doing some hardware-y thing down in the basement and next thing I knew, I had a box full of RUINED, SAWDUST-COVERED GARBAGE! Some I replaced, but others, I just threw out, which I hated doing because a lot of them had been presents, but I'd kind of already gotten all the fun I was going to get out of them and didn't want to pay eBay prices to replace them, with that being the case.

The only dust I want to deal with is Pixie Dust. This way, my pixies stay pristine and sawdust (and regular dust)-free. So, yeah, I guess even though Tinker Bell is a villain, she's an adorable one, so no hard feelings! Besides, the evil villainess is my favorite character on a lot of shows! So welcome to the evil pack, Tink!

Bad Girls... toot toot! Beep beep!

Valentine's Was A Week Ago, But Still...

I LOVED Valentine's Day as a kid, because it meant I got to give out Super Friends Valentine's cards at school. I gave out Super Friends cards every year... hey, if it works, don't screw with the formula. I found these AWESOME pics online and thought I'd drag you along on my stroll down Memory Lane. It's so funny, because as much as I loved the Super Friends cards, I was giving these away, so I don't really remember them that well.
I don't recall The Joker dressing like dandy Quentin Crisp, but there you have it. Also, I'm not digging the strangeness of the Joker-In-The-Box sending out heart vibes to a delighted Batman. Batman and The Joker aren't meant to be Valentines! That would be like dogs and cats or James Cameron and movies being Valentines and we all know that's just ridiculous.This card is strikingly benign. "We are a team. You're nice." Not "We are a GREAT team!" or even a "Good Team," just "We are a team." It may as well read, "I HAVE to give you a card, but it doesn't have to be a good one and I DON'T have to mean it!"This is like the opposite of the previous card. This is the card you gave to the person you were psycho obsessing over. "Don't break my heart... or Batman'll come over and kick you through yours! Ignore the shrine I built to you."

I looked at some Valentine's cards this year and they were terrible. Just stock art or photos and a lot of them don't even SAY anything except like "Happy Valentines Day... iCarlie!". At least back in the 80s, they went to the trouble of writing awful puns on each card!They really got their mileage out of the "Joker" puns. I'm not sure I get this card. Is the implication that Batman thinks The Joker is clever? Because I doubt he'd ever admit that, even after the dalliance with The Joker-In-The-Box. It would probably make sense if it were JUST The Joker on the card, perhaps implying that The Joker thought the recipient of the card was clever. Also check out the RIDICULOUSLY disproportionately tiny image of The Penguin in the foreground. If they were standing straight up, he'd only come to The Joker's waist!

I wish real banks kept their money in bags emblazoned with dollar signs. I bet Ke$ha does.
I'm ASTOUNDED that Wonder Girl appeared on a card (top left)! Wonder Girl licensed products are few and far between. I must track these down at some point. I'm a bit perplexed by the "SPROING" sound effect. Is Green Arrow or The Flash popping a boner? A boner... for justice, maybe!
Oh my. I don't think I'd have wanted to have gotten this one. (Psst! Special means retarded.)
Black Canary?! WHY don't I remember this at all?! And what a great picture! Of course, no one receiving this card would have any idea who she was. "Is Supergirl dressed like a dominatrix?" Or maybe they'd think she was a villain and Green Arrow was trying to "capture" her? At any rate, I hope she doesn't find out about his SPROINGing Wonder Girl earlier.
First Wonder Girl. Then Black Canary. Now... Aquaman's wife, Mera?! I just died and went to Obscure Super Hero Heaven! "You're a real catch!" FANTASTIC terrible pun! It's almost better than "I Choo choo choose you." But these ladies were just the set up...
This one takes the Obscurity Cake. I absolutely can't believe El Dorado (left) got his own card! He was the Mexican Superfriend who kind of had whatever super power he needed in whatever situation he found himself. In one episode, he created the "illusion" of a pile of dolls, which the villain The Doll Maker is then shown digging through, thus the dolls are not illusions at all, but solid objects, therefore establishing that El Dorado could literally just pull whatever he wanted out of his ass. (Or eyes, if you want to get technical.) So... I guess that warrants his getting his own Valentine card. I find it funny that his card doesn't say anything specific about him or his powers, leading me to believe that whoever designed these had no clue who he was, and just slapped him on a card because he was in the package of licensed artwork they were given to work with.

Also, the name "El Dorado" makes no sense. It was like they just flipped through the chapter about Mexico in a geography text book and picked the first vocabulary word they found. I suppose he's lucky he didn't end up being named "Corn Tortilla" or "Treaty of Cordoba." But naming a super hero after a city? That'd be like Superman calling himself Buffalo, New York. That doesn't make sense! But "El Dorado?" Sure, let's run with that.I seriously need to check eBay for these. I bet people back then never figured that grown adults would one day be scrounging for these things as collector's items. In all honesty, I should have just kept the ones I bought and told my classmates they could keep their lame A-Team and Holly Hobby cards. "Nah, I'll be my own Super Valentine, thanks!" Kinda like my teenage years. Wah waaaaaah!

Did I just type "boner for justice?"

What The Super FUG?!

Remember my tribute to Supergirl a while back? Well, this is the new Supergirl statue coming out this year... WHAT THE FUG?! That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen!
It's like Crazy Super Hillbilly Girl, out looking for a cousin to kiss... or devour! That is EFFEN HORRIBLE! I can't even believe someone sculpted this... on purpose! SO! FREAKIN'!! UGLY!!!
On a completely different note, I am looking forward to the new Superwoman action figure. I love her white hood and cape! Tres chic! Helps cleanse the pallet after that Supergirl Upchuck Fest.

My Funny Valentine Part 2

I will go on record saying that I am a huge Lois Lane fan. She's probably THE single most famous supporting character in comics, narrowly edging out Commissioner Gordon. Created in 1938, four years before America entered World War II, she was a driven, ambitious, independent career woman, who let nothing stand in her way. I like to think that even without Superman, Lois would have extricated herself from those ridiculous predicaments in which she so often found herself. Superman just expedited matters.

And then, the war ended, the boys came home and the women, who'd stepped up to work in the factories and farms and such, retired to tend to their husbands and babies, at which point Lois went from being a tough ace news woman, to the comic book equivalent of Lucy Ricardo.Ha ha, her muffins are so hard, they even hurt Superman's indestructible foot! Wah waaaaaaah! Oh Lois, you suck! No longer was her life's ambition to be the world's greatest reporter, but she was hell-bent on becoming Superman's wife. (That, and proving that Clark Kent and Superman were the same person, a goal that Superman seemed to take a sadistic glee in confounding.)Lois' plan to become Mrs. Man was complicated by the arrival of Lana Lang, Clark Kent's neighbor from Smallville and his old sweetheart from when he was Superboy.It's one thing to have a romantic rival, but these two took this to absurd comic book levels.In this tale, Lana sent Lois to the Phantom Zone, the limbo dimension reserved for Kryptonian super villains!Once free, Lois tried to eliminate Lana as the competition by GOING BACK IN TIME to break Lana and Superboy up as teens! Do they sell time bubbles in Metropolis in lots, like used cars? She also appears to have gone back in time to when fur wasn't murder. Grrr. Makes my drawing a mustache on that bitch's picture or egging her house seem trivial, in hindsight.Through it all, Superman himself never seems to mind these shenanigans. And why would he?! He's got Miss Sophisticated Big City Career Woman duking it out with Miss Wholesome Farm Gal Next Door! I mean, what more can a Super Ego want?

Of course, Superman wasn't the only one reveling in adoration of two women. Archie Andrews pioneered the hell out of this scenario.Nope, no one complaining there. Bom-chicka-wow-wow! Well, no one except Archie's gay best friend, Jughead.You tell 'em, girlfriend! Snap-snap-snap in Z formation! Who needs them bitches?

Fighting over Superman, I can comprehend, even if, at the time, it was more like the old man George Reeves Supes, rather than the later, sexier Christopher Reeve and/or Brandon Routh and/or Tom Welling version. But, Archie was some doofus firecrotch with buck teeth! What was the appeal?! Not as big an asshole as Reggie, not gay like Jughead, not a child like Dilton, not dumb like Moose? THAT'S what made him the guy every girl wanted? Note to any guys unlucky in love, MOVE TO RIVERDALE! Not just that, but you'll never age, either!

Speaking of Jughead and his blazing homosexuality... HOLY CLOSET CASE, BATMAN!

What the...?!Sigh... the jokes really write themselves.Of course, Jean Loring, Iris West and Carol Ferris are the girlfriends of The Atom, The Flash and Green Lantern respectively... Robin is... uhhhhhh....Oh for...COME ON!!!It's raining men... HALLELUJAH!

So, in the 50s, comics in general came under attack and for whatever crazy reason, one of the charges was that Batman and Robin were a gay couple. Not sure where they would have gotten that impression.

But anyway, to dispel that rumor, DC introduced Batbeard... er, Batwoman and Bat-Girl! Female counterparts for Batman and Robin.Both ladies carried purses loaded with crimefighting tools like a hairnet that expanded into a capture net, lipstick that doubled as a knock out gas pellet and a powder compact that could be used as a fingerprinting kit. Scoff if you will, but have you been in the girl's toy department lately? Not a toy doctor or lawyer kit in sight, but plenty of ironing boards and cash registers galore!The whole charade... er, ploy... er, distraction... er, whatever... the plan to pair them off with female counterparts would probably have worked better if B&R hadn't reacted with such utter disgust every time the ladies got frisky.Rock Hudson and Doris Day had steamier kisses than this! Oh poor, poor Batwoman... you'd think all that time in the high school drama club would have prepared her for this.Small wonder that the modern version of Batwoman is a lesbian. Speaking of, this picture is completely gratuitous:It looks like every so often, Superman got bored with Lois and Lana and had a little "fun with the boys" as well.Oh don't look so uninitiated, Supes. You've been down this road before...Oh my... what goes on in small towns!

So yeah, that's my tribute to comic book romance... they all suck. It's a wonder I've been able to maintain anything resembling a normal relationship with such shoddy role models. I would explain that time I sent that whore Tiffany into the Phantom Zone though...