Sunday, August 16, 2009

Return of the Mack

Hello again! It's six a.m. and I'm wide awake, so I thought I'd return to the world of blogging.

First off, Three Olives Bubble Vodka. Bubble gum-flavored vodka. Seriously, who is their target audience? 16 year-olds? Anyone that knows me, knows I do not get along well with gum. I am a mint person. I can chew gum for about five minutes and then I have to spit it out or start dry heaving. I have no idea why this is, but it is so. Maybe it's the not swallowing thing. I should not have just typed that. But, yadda yadda yadda, I love this stuff! I don't normally drink sweet cocktails. I'm a bourbon guy, but I effin' love this stuff! Seriously! I love the Bubble-Oh-Seven. It's bubble gum vodka with Sprite. I know, totally weird, but I'm hooked.

Okay so Hamburger Mary's reopened in Cincinnati and David was dying to go there. It's only been open for like three weeks and it's just the restaurant, not the bar. I think at one point the bar portion won best karaoke in Cincinnati, which was W-R-O-N-G! Not to digress, but it was somewhat startling to learn that that whole gay-guys-love-show-tunes thing was in fact a reality and not just stereotype. Sadly, I am show-tune deficient. If it wasn't from Grease 2 or Annie I don't know it and I have yet to find "Cool Rider" listed in any karaoke binder I have come across.

Anyhoo, so we went to the restaurant and... okay first of all, I cannot believe Hobo Chic is the new black! Looking at you, BritneyLindsayWinehouseMiley! (You too, Joaquim!) But the host was wearing a long sleeve plaid top, jogging shorts, knee socks and hiking boots. Not just the host, but everyone working there looks like they bought their clothes by the pound at the Good Will. Seriously. I mean, I have no love for Paris Hilton, but at least it's clear that she's showered in the last 24 hours! Those celebutards that looks like bums have set a dangerous precedent! Clearly ugly IS the new pretty.

Okay, so I made a mistake and made myself a snack before going to the restaurant, consisting of Kroger Private Selection Black Bean and Corn salsa, sour cream (fat-free), pepperjack cheese and cheddar with baked tortilla chips. Little did I realize, that would be the nummiest thing I ingested all night.

We ordered Fried Mac & Cheese, Chicken Tenders, a Caesar Salad and Sirloin Sliders. The Fried Mac & Cheese and Chicken Tenders were OBVIOUSLY frozen, pre-packaged items. The Sliders were... well, I asked for them to be Medium and they were not. I ate half of one and that was enough. The salad was the only thing I could tolerate, and honestly that's just because you can't really screw up Romaine lettuce. This was THE! WORST!! RESTAURANT FOOD EVER!!! It was worse than movie theater concession stand food! Like seriously, I'd rather have had funnel cake and a corn dog at the fair than this! At least you know what you're getting there!

I thought, "Maybe it's because we didn't have an actual hamburger, since the name is Hamburger Mary's. Obviously, that's their specialty." However, we encountered a fellow diner who DID have a burger, who said that it ALSO tasted like a frozen, pre-packaged item! How do you open a restaurant and sell nothing but frozen, pre-packaged items? Why not just serve Swanson Salisbury Steak TV Dinners while you're at it?! It COULDN'T be worse than the fare currently offered!

So yeah, it would take a VERY high recommendation for me to ever eat there again. Gross!

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations on the new (or re-launched) weblog. Your restaurant review was both entertaining and useful. Let's hope the management gets its act together.