Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009: Year of the Douche

Yeesh! What a year full o' douche! It was like a never ending douche parade. In fact, I had this whole blog planned out like a month ago and then it was like... BLAM!
POW! (Also, am I alone in thinking it's okay to punch some girls in the face? Anyone?)
KA-BOOM! (I stopped paying attention after #8. Anyone else?)

Okay, so this is how douchy this year was... there's a whole website devoted to douchedome. Hot Chicks with Douche Bags... although, I question the "hot"-ness of some of the "chicks" showcased. Also, there's the implication that a "chick" cannot be a douchebag, which if I've learned anything this year, it's that they certainly CAN. (It's not the T-Birds, after all.) Click below for more sweet, sweet douchitude. (Let's see how many words I can make up, incorporating the word "douche!")
It's sort of hard to pick a Douch of the Year, what with Tiger and his penis swooping in at the last minute to hog all the glory... and vaginas. There have been too many bad jokes on this subject without me chiming in, so next up...
How big a douch is Jon Gosselin? He made Kate seem like the NICE one! He out-douched Michael Lohan... MICHAEL LOHAN!!!
This is a guy that leaked private phone convos with his DAUGHTER to the press!!! And even HE was like, "Woah, Douchebag, back it up! You're too much for me!" Also, who knew, but Tiger Shirt out-douches See-Through Shirt! TIGER SHIRT OUT-DOUCHES SEE-THROUGH SHIRT!!! Tis truly a marvel in douche-chievement! Speaking of bad dads...
"How much do I get in the will?" None. "Well, can I get a couple hundred thousand a month for living expenses?" No, you're not getting anything. "Well, how about this much for..." What part of nothing are you not getting? "I need this much..." No! "How about...?" NO!!!

Did you see that clip on The Soup of the Wendy Williams Show, where that one lady tried to defend Joe Jackson as being an "old school" parent and saying that we needed more "old school" parents? EVEN Wendy Williams was appalled! WENDY WILLIAMS!!!
They have a BOOK?! How do they have a book?! I don't have a book and I've actually read a book in my life! A couple of them! In fact, I even know how to spell B-O-O-K! Shouldn't that be a prerequisite?
Cathy wanted me to mention her favorite douche, Scooby Douche from The Soup... er... oh, he's on another show too? Apparently, he's on Ghost Adventures and says "Woah!" "Duuuuude!" and "Braaaah" a lot. He also apparently used the term "devirginizing" and that alone gets you on this list.Nope, still haven't forgotten. If you like it, then you shoulda put a muzzle on it.
I wouldn't have mentioned Chris Brown at all... I mean, we all make mistakes and lose our damn minds sometimes. BUT, he had the balls to put out a new album and then go on a Twitter tirade after no one bought it. Maybe that's because you BEAT UP YOUR GIRLFRIEND, DOUCHE BAG!!!! NO ONE IS GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!! That's like O.J. saying, "Can't we just focus on my football career?" It's like, "What? You played football before you killed those two people? Huh, did not realize."

Speaking of musicians, this year saw a large boom in douche rock. A bunch of bands made up of that perv you know from work who just says whatever pops into his head and has no filter and everything they think of is perverted. You know what I'm talking about. (I must admit, however, that being a douche doesn't make me not like their songs... sorry, they're catchy!)
3Oh!3... "do the Helen Keller?" Yikes, seriously? I feel dirty.
Cobra Starship... Hey, Fannypak butched up... oh wait, no they didn't. Man, American Apparel RULEZ!
So is that pronounced, "Ke-dollar-ha?" Plus, doesn't she look... sticky? Like, if she got in the shower, the water would just bead off her?
Miley then replied, "I don't know. I don't listen to pop music and I've never heard a Jay-Z song in my life." Bragging about your ignorance isn't appealing... nor is basically shitting on everyone who liked THE BIGGEST HIT OF YOUR CAREER!!!
"Yay! I'm so excited, I'm going to celebrate! Can I have some privacy and a video camera?" Get ready for some opposite-fame, Stupid.
On the other hand, I suddenly think I'm opposed to gay marriage.
"I'm the Dr. Phil of politics, ya'll!"
On the other hand...
Levi Johnston = Cock Tease.
Um, okay, he's not UN-attractive, but he's nothing to crane your neck to get a look at either. Trust me, the physique is NOT enough to justify that amount of hype. Man, you couldn't even take off your clothes correctly? How do you manage to screw that up?
Flattest. Ass. Ever.
Also, am I the only who didn't realize that Playgirl wasn't an actual paper magazine anymore? Also, did any actual women even read it? Didn't think so.
"Hi, I'm Megan Fox. I suck and am completely rude and bitchy and have no talent... but damn, I'm hot! That's good enough, right?" Sadly, apparently, it is. I'm shaking my head and fist at you in anger and frustration, Straight Men of the World. Shaking!!!
"Hi, I'm Kristen Stewart. I suck and am completely rude and bitchy and have no talent and look stickier and more strung out than Ke-dollar-ha. I mean, I look like I slept under the bed! Come see my movie!" And sadly, they did. I'm shaking my head and fist in anger and frustration at you Straight Women of the World. Shaking!!!

Also, that is the worst likeness I have ever seen on a Barbie celebrity doll. I mean, that HUGE ASS GRIN on her face... Kristen Stewart has NEVER smiled that widely! That's practically a rictus! (Look it up.)
I also, though, "Gee, it's kind of a rip-off that the Taylor Lautner doll is just wearing cut-offs." Then I realized that if he'd come with more clothes, I'd just have removed and discarded them anyway and realized, I should probably pay EXTRA... also that torso is the BEST likeness I've ever seen on a Barbie celebrity doll. (Memo to Levi Johnston: Now THAT is a physique worth the hype! Take notes!)

So raise a glass of Patron (or Hennesey) to the douches of the world... may we never see them again!

1 comment:

  1. I loved this posting more than I'll ever be able to express in words. And I love you still, Scooby Douche!