Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Why Isn't Every Girl In America More Mentally Unbalanced?

This blog is dedicated to everyone that gave Cathy and I shit for collecting Bratz. SUCK! IT!!

I have one major phobia, frogs, as most know. However, working at Target at Christmas time, I am starting to develop a new one... baby dolls. SWEET JESUS!!! These are the most hideous abominations I have ever known to be gobbled up willingly by an audience. Well... besides the Transformers franchise. I don't comprehend these at all... "Hey babies are cute. Let's remove all the cuteness and replace it with crazed evil!"
The worst offense is Baby Alive! WHAT an ironic name for this glazed-eyed monstrosity! Available in Caucasian, Latina and African American... so hideous I don't even want the black one! It's all in those horrendous glassy eyes that just leer into your soul and rekindle that memory of that time your aunt's sleazy boyfriend inappropriately touched your jujus.
"I will eat your soul. Tee Hee!" (Also, she appears to have already murdered one of Dora's little siblings in the back ground. This madness must be stopped! Check under your bed tonight! This little creep out-crazies Chucky!
Also flying off the shelves are the "Our Generation" dolls, which, like Baby Alive are HUGE! Remember when baby dolls were a. cute and b. could actually be cradled in a child's arms? Nope, these three foot amazons are definitely not compatible with Barbie. They could go on a rampage and demolish Barbie's dream house, corvette and all her pets and horses. Or date a Rolloff. Seriously, these are potentially larger than the child receiving them.
While not as glassy-eyes as Baby Alive, these are more dead-eyed, like... well, like a corpse's I suppose. Lights on, no one home. Contrary to my earlier pofussion of love for Black girl dolls, the black Our Generation doll is the most frightening... She! Will!! Cut!!! A Bitch!!!!
I think the biggest problem with these is... they look like men. Like the most frumpaliscious drag queens ever. Where most drag queens look like Vegas showgirls X 100, these look like Mayberry drag queens who dress like librarians and Sunday School teachers. UN-Fierce! And lipsynch Amy Grant songs. Snap! UGH! Who wears a printed turtle neck over an embroidered cardigan OR a doily collar? They should just each come with 27 cats and be done with it. Hags!
These are astonishingly, HUGELY popular. They are the Liv dolls. Their outfits are cute, but they ALSO have this dead, glassy stare, very Stepford Wife. They're like Village of the Damned dolls, that could make your head explode just by staring hard enough. What's worse is Target is very heavily promoting them, so they have a plexiglass display with all of them inside, GLARING at you every time you walk past. Worse than those paintings in haunted houses, where the secret criminal mastermind looks through the eye cut outs and follows your every movement. Like Zoinks!
"You WILL buy this doll."
I... will... buy... this... doll.
YIKES! Is that supposed to be a baby or a scary alien? Scary alien? Oh, okay then, it's perfect.
Usually, the fatter a baby, the cuter... Uhhhhh... not this time.
Is this baby STONED? Looks like she spit out her pacifier and is looking for Doritos that she will dip in catsup and chocolate sauce and then text her friends about how great they taste.

It's all in the eyes. The eyes can make or break a doll.
YOWZA! Lay off the cocaine, lady!
WHAT the hell is wrong with this thing?! Is it a zombie?! Where the hell are it's pupils and irises?! They didn't give it proper eyes but they made sure to give it NOSTRILS?! "Braaaaaiiiins!"
On the flip side, are the Only Hearts Club dolls...
Where are the WHITES of their eyes?! What is wrong with their faces?! They're all distorted and deformed... AND they're all the same, even the ethnic ones! And even creepier, their "pets" are plush toys, but the dolls look crazy enough that they "think" they're real animals... you know what I mean? Like, they'd be like, "You want to pet my cat?" and you'd be too afraid to do anything else, so you do it to humor them, while thinking "Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me, don't kill me..."

Even WORSE! Nope, dressing like a fairy doesn't make you un-creepy! It makes you worse! It would have been LESS creepy had she dressed as a circus clown. And put that unicorn down, they're endangered!
Okay, finally, we have the Moxie Girls. These are made by the company that made Bratz, but who had to stop making Bratz because Mattel sued them and won. They're WAY toned down, but still, their faces are cute. They look like Selena Gomez... much more so than the real Selena Gomez doll by Mattel.
The only real problem with the Moxies is they are wearing the UGLIEST CLOTHES EVER!!!Did someone actually design these outfits?! They look like something a five year old girl would wear if her parents allowed her to dress herself!
What was I JUST saying about circus clowns?! Is the black girl wearing WRESTLING BOOTS?! And who wears a tutu? I mean, okay, Carrie Bradshaw... but that was like a decade ago! And in the first pic, the blonde girl's entire outfit is clearly Ed Hardy... glad to see Douche-Wear has invaded the world of children's playthings. Someone should buy these for the Gosselin girls! They could hug it every time they miss their scummy dad... IF they miss him, which I wouldn't, but whatever.

Now I need to go take a Silkwood steel-wool shower to clean the skeeziness I'm feeling off. Damn, dirty dolls!

I will leave you with this little nugget... twice now, I have had women come up to me at work asking for a toy vacuum cleaner. After I show them the one we have...
... they reply "Oh, it's for a boy. Do you have one that isn't pink?" To which it takes every fiber of my being to NOT say, "Lady, if your little boy wants a toy vacuum cleaner, trust me, just go with the pink. He'll love it." That and a black girl doll. Just not one in wrestling boots.

1 comment:


    That vacuum anecdote is priceless!!!!!