Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wonder Wednesday - Teenage... Nightmare?

Okay, I've been message boarding and I have a serious case of the can't-types today, so get ready for some typos. (Unless I catch them and fix them, which is taking me at least twice as long to type anything. I should just leave them and see what comical results occur, but then it would just look like English wasn't my first language. I swear, without corrections, it looks like I'm typing with my fists.)
First off, for Moh who was curious about Demon Knights, here is the full solicit. Set in the Middle Ages, the Demon leads an unlikely team to defend civilization and preserve the last vestiges of Camelot against the tide of history. Critically-acclaimed writer Paul Cornell and artists Diogenes Neves and Oclair Albert combine sorcery, swords and superheroes in DEMON KNIGHTS #1.

Onto today, DC unveiled their teen-centric titles. It *groan* looks like they are going dark with these. First up is Legion Lost about a group of Legionnaires tossed back into the present day.

Seven heroes from the 31st century have traveled back to the present day. Their mission: Save their future from total annihilation. When the future tech they brought with them fails, they find themselves trapped in a nightmarish world and an ultimate struggle to survive. LEGION LOST #1 will be written by Fabian Nicieza and illustrated by Pete Woods, fresh off an acclaimed run of Action Comics.

Set in the present... nightmarish world. Well, Teen Moms IS one of the highest rated shows on, right now. And MTV just did that Twilight-y "remake" of Teen Wolf. But nightmarish? That's harsh.

I like the looks of this. I like the artwork. They've done the Legion-in-the-present thing before, so that's not really that interesting a concept. But I like the characters they are using, like Tellus and Gates. I LOVE Dawkstar's new costume. Oh, someone tell Mr. Terrific his lost jacket has been found... on... is that Tyroc? Or did they make Cosmic Boy black, which would be a bold move. I tend to think it's Tyroc, though, what with his mouth wide open like that. I'll check this one out. It looks good, although, like I said, the LAST thing the Legion needed was to get rebooted again!

Meanwhile, back in the 30th Century...

In the 31st century, the Legion of Superheroes is reeling from the loss of seven of their finest — and trying desperately to keep their youngest recruits alive against a series of terrible new threats. LEGION OF SUPERHEROES #1 will be written by fan-favorite Legion writer Paul Levitz and illustrated by Francis Portela.

It's interesting that the most notable thing about the Legion is that there are 27,000 of them, yet there are only three on the cover. And "reeling from the loss of seven of their finest"? I mean, there are so many of them, that it probably took them two weeks to even realize those seven were missing! This one may be okay. I am a Legion fan in general, but with all the reboots and stuff, I dropped them ages ago and haven't really looked back. I'll probably give ALL the DC books a shot, though. Even the monster ones, because even though I don't THINK I'll like 'em, you never know until you try them and over the years, I've come to enjoy a lot of non-traditional super hero books. So we'll see...

Virgil Hawkins has been gifted with incredible electrical powers. Adopting the persona of Static, he faces super-powered street gangs, raging hormones, homework, and girls in STATIC SHOCK #1, co-written by John Rozum and Scott McDaniel, with McDaniel also illustrating along with Jonathan Glapion.

Static is a character that people tend to like, but he's never been that big a seller. He was in the Teen Titans for a while, but it wasn't a very good run on the book, so that didn't do much for him. I'm glad to see him back and getting another shot, as I see him as having a lot of potential. Let's hope fans can get on board. He and Firestorm look to be the only teen heroes getting their own books and teen heroes have always done well, so here's hoping!

This is gonna bomb.

It’s up to the living avatars of war and peace to root out the hidden forces who look to plunge the country into a deadly civil war in HAWK AND DOVE #1. The exciting new series will be written by Sterling Gates and illustrated by legendary superstar comics artist Rob Liefeld.

NO ONE like's "superstar comics artist" Rob Liefeld. NO ONE. Not even his mom. This once again points toward the fact that DC is looking back to the 90s too much. Maybe they think, "Comics sold their best at that time." But they sold their best because it was nothing but gimmicks and speculators thinking they were gonna pay their kids' college tuition with those Death of Superman and chromium cover Ninjak comics. Guess what? Most of those comics are now in the 25 cent bin... where they stay because no one even wants to pay a quarter for them today! I like Dove. She got a big boost from her roles in Blackest Night and Brightest Day, but putting Liefeld on her book isn't doing her any favors.

Even so, I can just imagine the brainstorming session. "Comics sold their best in the 90s. What were comics like then? Let's make our books more like that."

"Well, they were poorly written."

"Check. Written by monkeys. Okay, what else?"

"Oh they were ugly! Everything was over stylized and hyper detailed and everyone's suit had all these pouches and shoulder pads and excessive shit all over them!"

"Hmmm, overly accessorized. Okay and how did the characters look?"

"X-TREEEEEEEEEME!!! The guys were all roided up with muscles on top of muscles and the were always flexing EVERY muscle on their body at the same time and their jaws were clenched like they were taking a painful shit. And the girls all had tits bigger than their heads and giant asses that would put the Kardashians to shame and they ran around in thongs and bras that had to have been made out of magical miracle fabric to keep that shit contained. And they were so limber that they could somehow pose with their asses AND tits facing the reader at all times!"

"Even the teenage characters?"

"ESPECIALLY the teenage characters." (Translation: Everyone wants to fuck teenagers.)

And thus, I present to you... Teen Titans.
Tim Drake is forced to step out from behind his keyboard when an international organization seeks to capture or kill super-powered teenagers. As Red Robin, he must team up with the mysterious and belligerent powerhouse thief known as Wonder Girl and a hyperactive speedster calling himself Kid Flash in TEEN TITANS #1, by Scott Lobdell and artists Brett Booth and Norm Rapmund.

Looks like they covered everything on the checklist.


  1. Lol, Rob Liefeld---gawd, how I hated his art. His and all the copycats who drew just like him. I was spoiled by George Perez, Jose Luis Garcia Lopez and the classic artists. They could make characters seem real with just black ink and flat colors---no effects to help them. With all the photo/paint computer coloring and effects used today--and look at that Hawk/Dove cover!!!--it looks awful--they can't even fix or make that shit look good. I had enough of his extreme capes as long as a football field, shoulder pads the size of a car door and bow legged women with "deer hoof" feet and basketball tits in the 90's. It all looks unrealistic and out of proportion like a mental patient would draw it. So I too, hope it bombs big time. Can you tell I really really really don't like that style? Lol :)

  2. NO ONE DOES! Remember when he was fired from Heroes Reborn?! UGH!!! Why does he keep getting work? I can't draw for shit and I can draw better than that!

  3. I just laughed for twenty minutes about the men clenching their jaws like they're taking a huge shit. Spot on, Jason!