Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Let's Put The Fantasy Into Fantasy Football (Or, Why Is It Called Fantasy Football, When There Are No Dragons?)

I must confess, this isn't an original idea. Cathy and her co-workers came up with it in response to this one guy in the office who kept hounding everyone to partake in this "Fantasy Football" entity. I don't really know what it is. (NOT an invitation to enlighten me, thanks.) I barely know what football is. (See previous aside.) It basically sounds to me like some game where you don't actually play it. You pick players and they do all the work while you sit on your ass drinking Steel Reserve and sometimes there's money involved. Sounds like a blast. (I've been told sarcasm doesn't translate to the written word, in which case, that was sarcasm.) But, it could be fun if you really got to pick your true fantasy team. The one limitation I'm imposing is "No Deities."

So apparently, you need two Quarterbacks. I actually do know what a quarterback is. It's like, y'know, Cyclops in the X-Men. He's not the REAL leader (that would be Professor X), but in the field he calls the shots. So my two pick are:
1. King Arthur - Only the greatest leader in history. Or, y'know close to it. Plus, Excalibur can cut through anything!

2. Captain America - Only the greatest leader in comics! People would do anything this guy asked! Plus his shield can't be broken! Wait, could Excalibur cut it? I mean, it can cut anything, right? But the shield can't be... ugh, head hurting. NEXT!

Next, according to Google, you need three Running Backs. Not sure what that means, but I assume it involves running and if so, my first pick has to be...
1. The Flash - The Fastest Man Alive! Duh! Who else would you pick?

2. The Six Million Dollar Man and 3. The Bionic Woman - Plus, everytime they ran or did anything cool, you hear that awesome "neh-neh-neh-neh-neh-neh" bionic sound effect! (My no dieties rule made Mercury inelligible, darn it.)

Then it says you need three Wide Receivers and I'm certain that doesn't mean what I think it means. So I just picked people who could seriously kick ass.
1. Harry Potter - Provided he gets to use that Quiddich broomstick thingee.

2. Merlin - Powerful wizard. Sounds good to me.

3. Green Lantern - Methinks Wide Receiver somehow involves catching things, in which case Green Lantern could create a giant catcher's mitt. Like how I mixed my sports metaphores there while discussing a totally made up game? Little pat on the back to myself.

Next up, I need two tight ends, and just like Wide Receiver, I'm sure it doesn't mean what I think it does. In fact, in this case, I can't even speculate what that means. So, I'll just go with...
1. The Transporter - Because no one kicks ass like that guy! I wonder if he'd be able to use his car in the game. Since I'm making it up, I say "Sure!"

2. A Ninja - Those always come in handy. I know you might think, "What would I use a ninja for?" and the answer of course is "What wouldn't you use a ninja for?!" They're like Swiss Army knives. They come in handy when you least expect it!

I need one kicker and is there ANY choice other than...

1. Jean Claude Van Damme? The only other person who can lift their leg higher is that blonde Pussycat Doll who lifts her leg over her head in every single one of their music videos and live performances. But that's more stretching than kicking (sexy stretching), so I'm sticking with my original cocaine-fueled option.

Finally, we have Defensive Units. Do they really call them "Units?" Ew.
1. Invisible Woman - FORCE. FIELD. 'Nuff Said!

2. Wonder Woman - She'd bounce that football away with her magic bracelets. Actually, I don't think that's how the game is played, but I'm too far gone at this point to worry about that kind of nonsense.

Done and DONE! It's ON! Bring it! UGH!!!

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