Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wonder Wednesday 09-22-10 Getting From Here To There... Super Style!

Some super vehicles are more famous than the majority of super heroes out there.Millions more recognize The Batmobile than Black Canary. And in terms of Batman, EVERY vehicle makes sense because he can't fly... or do anything really. No powers. So it makes perfect sense for him to have a Batboat...
And Batcycle...Holy Stuntmen! The Batcycle makes enough sense that it's practical, however, Robin riding bitch in the sidecar is just another degradation on top of everything else Batman made him do. "No seriously, everyone's going to be wearing green scaly underwear this year! Oh and can you sweep up all the guano on the floor of the Batcave?"Finally, Robbie Rob was all, "Fuck this shit! I want my own bike!" And who can forget Batgirl's bad ass, lace trimmed Batgirl Cycle?
And Batman's foes HAD to have fun vehicles to compete. The best is The Joker's Jokermobile:
Although Catwoman's Catmobile is a close second. I love the figureheads on the front of both. In one issue, Catwoman even escaped capture on the water in her Cat-amaran! Clever kitten!
Next to the Batmobile, the most famous super vehicle is Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet. Thankfully, in recent years people have STOPPED drawing a fully visible Wonder Woman sitting inside. The ENTIRE thing and everything inside is invisible from the outside! Duh!

Also, to those who ask, "Why does Wonder Woman need an Invisible Jet for, when she can fly?" For the same reason you own a car, when you can walk. Ever think of that?

However... Superman can not only fly, he can fly at super speed. He can be anywhere on Earth in minutes. He doesn't need a vehicle at all, you'd think, but in the 70s a toy company wanted to make a Superman vehicle of sorts, so DC was forced to create Supermobile...
Yeah... not THE Supermobile, just Supermobile. I can't decide whether the fists are whimsical or silly. I guess the idea is he uses this if for some reason he loses his powers. If I lost my powers, I'd just call in sick.

Still, one of the most nonsensical toy super vehicles ever is the recent Aquaman Sub:
Um... he can breath underwater. And see and withstand the pressure of the depths. This would only hold him back!
And if he needs to travel greater distances, he has a steed, a giant seahorse named Storm! There used to be these swings at Municipal Park in Mobile shaped like animals. There was a pig, a rabbit and a seahorse... which I totally owned! If I walked up and some other kid was riding that, I'd be like, "Get the fuck off! Go play on the slide!" I didn't really. But it would have been awesome if I had.

Onto Marvel comics, one thing that they do that makes sense is giving the big teams a means of group travel. The X-men pilot these Blackbirds, also called X-Jets.
Similarly, The Avengers have these Quinjets:
The one thing that ticks me off, though, is that both teams DESTROY these vehicles every other issue! They are constantly getting them trashed by villains or crashing them into mountains or kamikaze-ing them into giant monsters/robots or something. And yet, next issue, they have more. They rely on the "Prof X and Tony Stark are millionaires" explanation (which they also use to explain how they pay for the property damages of their epic battles). But even REAL millionaires... hell billionaires!... don't just buy fleets of souped-up super vehicles by the case! That's ridiculous! Try being more careful! If I'd gotten into as many car accidents as the X-men have been in plane crashes, I'd just stop driving!
The most famous Marvel vehicle is the Fantastic Four's Fantasticar. I don't know why they call it a car when it flies. I don't think I've ever seen them drive it on the ground. It snaps apart, so that each member can have a smaller solo vehicle. It's a neat idea, minus the open top! I mean, I've been in the backseat of a convertible on the ground on a windy day and that's no fun! I can imagine what it's like zooming through the stratosphere in a sky-convertible! Invisible Woman's hair would be all jacked! Hell, logically, their skin would be ripped off... well, except The Thing's. Oh well... it's worked out well for them so far, so whatever...
For times when all of the Super Heroes want to take some time off and go on a scenic cross country trip.

So the same thing that happened with Superman happened with Spider-Man. A toy company wanted to make a vehicle and wanted Marvel to use it in an actual comic to promote it.
Thus came... The Spider-Mobile. That makes total... nonsense. Spider-Man gets around by swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He lives in New York City! Why does he need a freakin' dune buggy?! Yeah, it's not even a CAR! It's a dune buggy! Is that for when he vacations in Myrtle Beach? Not surprisingly, the writers of the comic were miffed at having to write this ridiculousness into their book, so at the end of the story, the Spider-Mobile went a-plunging into the East River. PAYCE!

But the flood of stupid vehicles for Marvel's flagship hero didn't end. Here's a sampling:
Isn't it sad that our minds automatically go to rape, molestation and kidnapping when we see a 70s disco van? We forget all the good times, pot smoking and getting consensually laid to the tune of Three Dog Night that occurred in these sweet babies. I even had a friend whose grandfather still had one when I was old enough to drive. I drove it and it was a blast! The steering wheel was like two feet in diameter. I felt like I was captaining a ship! And you're so high up! They need to bring disco vans back, baby! Those were the good times!
Well, it works for Batman, I suppose, but Batman goes on missions. Spidey usually just patrols the streets and runs into danger.
Makes even less sense. Plus, Peter Parker is a freelance newspaper photographer. Did he steal this jet?!
For those times when the dune buggy isn't running. Kudos for the safety helmet. Way to set an example!

Or how about this:He doesn't even need a vehicle... he IS one! (That makes no sense.)

Making even less sense:Not only does it not make sense for the capable-of-flying god of thunder to be riding a motorcycle... but LOOK at it! That color scheme is RIDICULOUS! Red tires?! There's no such thing!
These are just SAD! Captain America looks like a baby that pooped his diaper! And they all look like they've melted a little bit!

These take the cake though:
Hulk like vacation in Myrtle Beach, too! Raaaah!Hulk ride two wheels for on-road. Four wheels for off-road! Raaaaarrh! Hulk not need helmet! WHO THE FUCK GAVE HULK A LICENSE TO DRIVE ANYTHING?! He can't even form coherent sentences! He can't wear a shirt! He's always barefoot and smashing things! Um, hello, road rage? Ever hear of that, BMV of the Marvel Universe? MADNESS!!!
A helicopter? That's a tragedy waiting to happen! Also, "Hulk like disco van! Want hear Zepplin? Raaaaarh!"

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