Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Two Anectdotes: "And I Could Knock A Bitch Up!" Followed by "The Only Thing More Premeditated Would Be If You Shot Someone Three Times With A Musket"

I wish I weren't awake right now. In fact, I just spent the entire night thinking that. You'd think being sick (oh, in case you missed it on FB... I'm sick), I'd sleep like a baby, but I actually slept pretty hardcore yesterday afternoon, which might have screwed me up for the evening, but I was gonna listen to my body and it was screaming pretty loudly that it wanted to sleep yesterday afternoon.

But anyway, there will be two blogs today. I have my normal Wonder Wednesday plus I had two things I needed to get off my birdchest. That's why this blog is named that. I could have tacked these onto WW but I figured two shorter blogs would be more easily digested. It's the same rationale that allows bite-size candy to OWN full candy bars. I don't care if they're individually wrapped, I will gleefully enjoy twelve bite-size Snickers over a full Snickers. In fact, full-sized Snickers can fuck off. Not buying what you're selling, buddy! On with the show...

#1. At work, I try to be as helpful and personable as I possible, so every once in a while, I'll say something to someone like, "My 14 year-old loves those." To which people always seem to respond, "How do you have a 14 year-old?!" The problem is I'm not sure from where this incredulity stems. Is it, "How does someone as youthful and vibrant and fabulous as you have a 14 year-old?" Age-wise, I could certainly have a 14 year-old. In fact, Derrek is 20 and though it's a bigger stretch, realistically, I could have sired a child at 16. It happens everyday. I watch MTV. No I don't. But I get MTV.

OR and this is what I truly suspect, is it more, "YOU, Nancy McGillicutty?! YOU, Swishy McFlamePants?! YOU got an erection, stuck it in a woman and thrust it until you knocked a bitch up?! I say to thee, 'Bullshit!'" To which I reply, "Don't be calling my Baby Mama a bitch! And I could knock a bitch up!" It's not out of the...

...How do I even respond to that? It's not like I can say, "Yes, I'm the fabulous, youthful and vibrant trophy wife of a successful older gentleman!" Screw it, sure I can. That's my new default response.

#2. Did you (that live in Cincinnati), hear about the guy that died after being shot three times by a BOW & ARROWS?! WTF?! Are the Sioux on the warpath?! Are the Saxons invading?! THREE times! That is pre-to-the-meditated! I mean, guns can go off accidentally. A person could be stabbed accidentally. You can't even claim self defense if you shoot someone THREE times with a bow and arrows! You have to reload after every shot! I'm pretty sure the person would have gotten the message to step down after being hit the first time... WITH AN ARROW! The only thing more premeditated would be if you shot someone three times with a MUSKET!

(Although when the Zombie Apocalypse occurs, I will certainly be taking one of those mutherfuckers down with a musket. Probably only one, and it would have to be a slow mover, to allow me time to pack all my gunpowder and such. I actually plan to kill at least one zombie with every implement for killing man has ever devised, so you know, mace on a chain, umbrella sword, cat o' nine tails... maybe not cat o' nine tails. That could take a while. But I'm bringing it along just in case. Team Birdchest FTW!)

Back to the story, I'm just picturing this guy pulling arrows from a quiver on his back, like Green Arrow! You know, somewhere up there, Ted Nuggent is looking down and smiling. Oh, I know he isn't dead. I just assumed he spent 98% of his time up on one of those deer hunting tree platforms. He's probably thinking, "Man is the ultimate game." Well, I don't think he talks like that. Probably more, "I wanna kill me a man, too!"

Also, the anchorwoman reporting this story said that the police found the man in "fatal condition." ...That, um... is that just a nice way of saying he was dead? Bow and arrows!!! THREE of 'em!

1 comment:

  1. I think you've always looked young. Even now you could still pass for early twenties. I would take it as a compliment!