Oh Jesus. So... I arrived in Mobile on Wednesday afternoon and my dad and aunt picked me up from the airport. Then we drove straight to Bonefish for Happy Hour. So now you know where I get it from. Okay, so that night I stayed at my parents' with their fifty stray dogs and cats. That's an exaggeration, however when I went to lint roll my p.j. bottoms, I used up FOUR effen sheets trying to remove all the animal hair, so as you can see, it wasn't THAT much of an exaggeration. Yesterday, I awoke to find my mom watching shrill Thai soap operas on DVD... more bizarre than Telemundo, but not as bizarre as Bollywood... because nothing is THAT bizarre. Strange discovery, Thailand is apparently located in the US in the 1950s, because everyone in the soaps looked like an extra from Hairspray, y'know except cream colored. Giant hair, big frilly dresses, etc. My mom pointed out the actor that is considered the best looking actor in Thailand, with the explanation that he didn't really look Thai, he looked more Indian, so basically... the best looking Thai guy doesn't look Thai, so make of that what you will.
My mom keeps the side and back doors to the house WIDE open at all times, so pretty soon we were engulfed in a swarm of flies. So her solution? Hang a zip lock bag full of water and a penny outside the doors. No seriously. Like... you can't make that shit up. Oh and she went shopping for stuff to cook before I arrived and she was running off the list of possibilities, which included beef tripe and pork liver. Um, NO THANKS! Like she really needed to ask?!
So I had pre-prepared my blogs for this week, but when I went to post my blog yesterday, I couldn't figure my dad's computer out because (as previously mentioned, but it bears repeating) #1 he is the last human on the planet who still uses AOL and #2, it's dial-up and I wasn't going to eff around with the cables and nonsense. I mean, we all know how I don't care to bother with mundane details, right? I finally got to my aunt's but I can't quite figure her computer out either. She has a TOUCH SCREEN! So, I couldn't get my Throwback Thursday blog to copy/paste into a new window, therefore it posted under last Friday. I'll fix it when I get home, because I worked quite hard on that one.
Anyway, so this has been the basic familial conversation, "Sports sports sports sports, what's up with you, interupt, sports sports sports sports sports, Republican Party." My aunt was actually planning on going to a Tea Party yesterday! And not the delightful finger sandwich kind, the whackadoo moron kind! Oh don't worry, I learned YEARS ago how to just ignore everything around me when I come home. This morning my aunt is out getting her doggie daughter groomed and getting a pedicure, but I found this morning's newspaper with a note on her stationery beside it. It was like a paragraph about... I dunno something Republican and I realized it was a SCRIPT that she'd written so that she could call "Sound Off." See, the Mobile paper has this section where every dipshit that knows how to dial a phone can call and... y'know "sound off" about whatever and they publish the.... "best" if that's the right word for it. She lives for it! She has a scrapbook devoted to her clippings from it, which on the one hand is horrific, but then I realize my aunt has been published way more times than I have, and that just makes me sad.
I've been driving my dad's Crown Vic, which is slapstick on a couple of levels. It's an automatic and if you haven't seen me ATTEMPT to drive an automatic, it's hilarious. I'm always slamming on the brake, thinking it's the clutch and my right arm is always flailing, reaching for the gear shift which isn't there. And also... it's a Crown Vic.
Sigh. Okay, so that's the trip so far. Be home soon!