Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Valentines Day - Romance Novels Part 2

Welcome to day two of my Valentine's series devoted to the wacky world of tawdry romance novels. Today's subject: gettin' knocked up!
Woopseeeeeeeeee! There are a RIDICULOUS number of these books about having babies! WAY more than there are about Italians!The Italians strike again! Also, I'd say at least 50% of these involve SECRET babies! I'm not sure what a "secret baby" is... I guess they mean it in a Maury Povich way. Surprise, bastard! Ya knocked me up!
The Greeks are at it again, too! Baby REVENGE?! Once again, my life feels very empty right now, with my lack of revenge-seeking. Especially since 'twould appear that "revenge" equals "screwing." Was the revenge part that he knocked up his mistress, by chance?I see your "Secret Baby" and raise you one "CHRISTMAS Baby!" Yep, even more specifically, there is a whole sub-genre devoted to Christmas Babies! WTF?! Do women have some Virgin Mary fantasy I don't know about?! PS, everyone I know who has a Christmas birthday hates it because they always get screwed with combo presents and everyone is too busy with Christmas crap that a lot of times their friends can't even go to their parties and such! So keep that in mind, Ladies-With-A-Virgin-Mary-Complex!
A SECRET CHRISTMAS Baby! Trifecta! Aside: and you know NONE of these is about getting stretch marks or painfully swollen breasts or as Phaedra said, "poopin' on tables."
Surprise?! He's got his hand on her baby bump! Did he just think she was eating too many Hot Pockets all of a sudden?
Uh... that makes it sound like he's having the affair with the baby! Gross!
Jesus, someone call HR! How do women get ANY work done, if all they're doing is banging their bosses?! Where the hell do all of these people work, because I'm fairly certain I have no desire to patronize these companies! Hope they offer good medical benefits. These books set the Women's Movement back at least 50 years, so congrats!Royal? Uh... that's a cowboy. There are no royal cowboys!Far more special than The Rodeo Clown's Arbor Day Baby.
Now there's a girl with ambition! Land yo self a doctor, gurl! You'll never have to work again and then you don't have to worry about getting prego by your boss! Take that Bull Rider's wife!
Hired? I'm pretty sure child labor is still illegal.
So is marrying a baby! Geez, what is wrong with these people?
Look, we all need a billionaire! Your stupid baby doesn't make you any more deserving. Back of the line!
Well, ask and ye shall receive, I guess.
Is that all you got?
Take that! Speaking of counting...
But wait...
What, are the Duggars writing these?
This just sounds like when old people try to sound hip to impress youngsters and it's just sad and silly.
There have been like three romance novels written for African Americans EVER and THIS is what you call one?! Racist! It doesn't even have one of those painted fantasy covers looking all glamorous... just some pissed off bride. They should have titled it, "His Secret, Christmas, Black Baby" at the very least!

No comments:

Post a Comment